Sometimes, it takes an entire lifetime to learn how to live. We go out and say everything that we are supposed to, yet it never works out. Sometimes, we give our all only to realize that it was never meant to be in the first place. But then, there are times when we simply don’t let love in.
I have been one of those people who didn’t allow love to enter my life. Though, my friends have often found me complaining how I have never found true love even when I have looked for it in every nook and corner, it is true. I never dared enough to let love enter.
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Often we stop ourselves from getting our share of happiness for a lot of reasons. As stupid as it might sound, I used to think that I don’t deserve to be happy. Yeah! My reason was pretty twisted. I have been always out there looking out for love, but even after getting that girl of my dreams, I didn’t let her in.
I didn’t let anyone in, I never let LOVE in. And it made me realize that the only person who was standing between me and my happiness, was myself. I believe these are a few things that made me create a thick wall around my heart.
The fear of commitment
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I remember once she told me that she wanted me to speak to her parents about the two of us. I was in love with her; there was no doubt about it. But I was just not ready to settle down. I was not ready to commit. My fear of commitment made me end the entire relationship. Not only did we end on a tragic note, the memory of that day still haunts me. My life would have been entirely different if I would have said “yes” that day.
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Still hung up on a past relationship
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After when I realized that I was able to settle down, I started looking for love once again. But it didn’t matter where I go or whomsoever I met, I discovered that I was simply looking for her. Without realizing, I started to compare every other girl I dated with her. I didn’t understand that there would never be another “her” in my life. I kept looking out for love, without realizing that I was not even ready to be with someone else at that time. This just caused more collateral damage in my life.
Atelophobia
Also known as the fear of not being good enough, Atelophobia is one such fear that can change everything in your life. After I fell in and out of love, I started to question myself. There must be a reason why it never worked out with even a single girl, right? There must be something with me. It wasn’t really an anxiety disorder of some kind, but I gradually started to believe that maybe I was not meant to find true love. Maybe, I was just a wrecking ball who would simply destroy everyone on my way. So, I simply build a thick wall around my heart, not being able to love anyone. Not even myself.
And that was it!
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The fear of commitment, the idea of not being good enough, the haunting memories of my past, and so much more around these things and beyond didn’t allow me to let any girl in, even when I wanted to fall in love so desperately.
Now, when I am mature enough, I know that it will happen when it is supposed to happen. I became the same wrecking ball, but instead of destroying others, I destroyed the wall around my heart that kept me away from love. I am like an open book now with a very thick cover, who is simply waiting for someone to turn the page and start a new story.
Featured image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
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