Can I let you go?
I know you will hate me for this for I am the person who you trust the most, and now you think I am abandoning you. But I am not. I am, for the first time, in 12 years, choosing myself over you. I am saving myself from the heartaches that I am sure to feel every moment I am with you, knowing that you don’t love me the way I love you. Yes, I have fallen in love with you. Yes, despite our promises of never bringing love into the equation; despite our carefully designed schemes to never let the four-letter word ruin what we have as best friends, I have fallen in love with you. And I am sorry.
Suggested read: When You Know You Have To Let Go
Image source: Google, copyright-free image, under Creative Commons License
I really don’t know when it happened. I keep asking myself the same question, trust me. I walk myself down the memory lane and assemble the moments we have had, to know where exactly I slipped. And these are the flashes I have gathered,
I fell for you when I caught you glancing at me from a distance and smiling like you were thinking, “I don’t get her, but I like her”.
I fell for you when you listened while I spoke and even when I didn’t.
I fell for you because after every fight we had, you stayed. Every time I tried to push you away, you said that I was stupid, and pulled me closer.
I fell for you when you told me that I make you happy, and knowing that you meant what you said, brought me happiness.
I fell in love with you because you helped me back on my feet every time I fell, and let me do the same for you.
I fell for you when you spoke about the horrors of patriarchy with the same fiery passion as mine.
I fell for you because you helped me grow and become the better version of myself.
I fell for you because you noticed the small little things, which made a big difference.
I fell for you because you have seen me at my worst, and so, you are the only one who deserves me when I am at my best.
I fell for you because you reminded me of the greatest man I have ever known, my dad.
I fell for you because every time I cried a tear, you didn’t go ahead to wipe it dry, but made sure I don’t cry for the same reason the second time.
You have given me strength; you have given me hope. You have taught me how to stand alone, though I always knew you had my back.
So tell me, is it my fault that I am in love with you, or yours? Both ways, I am the one who loses. I am the one who has to go. But you lose too, you lose a friend, and I cannot forgive myself for that. But, I have to choose myself over you, this time.
Image source: Google, copyright-free image, under Creative Commons License
And I know if coming to this point has hurt, hereafter is going to hurt worse. I am losing the first love of my life and my best friend, but I am just hoping, with time, my tears will run dry, my heart will stop bleeding after I put on the millionth band aid on it. Like a vagabond, I will learn how to live without a home, no matter how unsettling the idea of it sounds. May be one day, I will stop missing you, and just remember you and the curve of your smile, blurring the rest of my memories of you out of focus.
Suggested read: This Is How I Love You
May be one day this aching, numbing dull pain in my chest that hisses at me prompting me I had something great, and I ruined it, will cease to trouble me. May be one day I will stop crying about what I lost, but reflect on what all I could have lost if I had chosen to continue, to lie to you about how I felt about you. May be one day, not one song I listen to will remind me of you. May be one day I will not have all these hypotheticals, these maybes, and I will know for sure that I did the right thing by letting you go.
But never will I stop beating myself over the choice I made years ago, and so I need you to make it for me: Can I let you go?
Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image, under Creative Commons License
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