My heart was a fortress, and you were my doom. Surrounded by the highest walls and surmounted with sizeable trebuchets; seemingly impenetrable. For many a storm had these walls battled, the biggest of them laying naught but a scratch. I stood atop these walls, fearing the typhoon on the horizon. It was you, when savagery met grace. You blocked out the Sun, just like you blocked out my senses. The mad man that I was, I opened my gates for you. Isn’t it funny, how we become the most vulnerable when we face the most fatal of crises? There was something about you so beautiful, so alien…so unlike me. It was intense, it was love at first sight; howsoever cliched that might be.
Image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
Suggested read: Love doesn’t always mean forever but neither does letting go
I hesitated at first, but ended up opening my Pandora’s Box. I bequeathed to you my darkest secrets, my most dreadful memories, and my most vulnerable moments in life. You knew where to pinch to make it hurt, you had that power. You became the ruler of my moments of neediness, my moments of joy, and those days of lying down on the bed feeling worthless. You were the bright yellow sun and the sinister dark clouds of my life; sometimes a single text from you deciding my mood for the rest of the day. Juvenile? Yes, how sensible adults do the stupidest things in love. I tried my best to not suffocate you, to not be a burden on you; I didn’t say things I wanted to, all to not make it seem I depended on you. I didn’t want you to pity me, I didn’t want you to see me as an appendage; I wanted you to see me as a strong independent person. I stepped carefully, I didn’t want to ‘screw things up.’
Image source: Shutterstock
I would spend hours trying to empathize with your conditions, your busy routine. Every single time you took your anger out on me I’d explain to myself you didn’t really mean it, even though they’d leave wounds come morning. I remember those early mornings after staying up all night and stare out of the window, with Death Cab playing in the background. I still remember those nights when we’d stay up talking, opening up a bit more every minute, becoming more and more vulnerable with each hour. Oh how we hurt each other, and we licked our lips at it. There was a certain amount of emotional intensity, for better or worse, that I miss now. Call me a masochist all you like, but as much as we all like a stable range of emotions; we sometimes yearn for things on both ends of the spectrum. Despite me being one of the worst partners one can possibly get themselves, I can’t help but confess how much I’d loved you, and you me. This wasn’t a relationship where either of us doubted if the other had genuine feelings, we had taken that for granted, and rightfully so. I don’t know why, but these lines from Death Cab’s song described us better than anything:
“Til there was little feeling
Please work with what is left”
Image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
Suggested read: You are not meant to forget him
We had made so many plans, despite knowing they were so impractical. Why did I feel disappointed after the break up, despite knowing this would happen from the very beginning? I suppose I held onto that tiniest sliver of hope, without realizing there wasn’t any. “Opposites attract” went so dreadfully wrong in our case; our similarities and our differences widening the gap between us. We got so good at making ourselves miserable; sadness and frustration in hearts which once housed love. We ended up being two faces, obscure to each other; like Magritte’s ’64 Son of Man. We were so physically close, yet emotionally we were galaxies apart. I feel, as strangers, we have more in common than when we were in love. You were the typhoon that crumbled my fortress of a heart into smithereens, and now, you’re just a stranger with all my secrets.
Featured image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License
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