(In the words of a Scorpio herself!)
There is absolutely no point trying to understand a Scorpio! So, you still have time to settle for someone easier and in your league… But will they be worth it? Well!
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Here’s a story for you to consider! One day, I was at my favourite bookstore, minding my own effing business, when this lanky fellow comes up to me and asks, “By the way, are you a Scorp?” When I say, “Yep, bro” (with a smirk), he winces and exclaims, “Scorpios are horrible people!”
Now, did I get mad at him? Hell, no! He was absolutely right. I am a Scorpio, and I know, how horrible I am or can be! But my nastiness, has got very little to do with my zodiac sign, which I regard as one of my very few cashing qualities! Why? Here’s why:
Scorpios are, were and will be the sexiest, raciest and most sensual sign in the zodiac! And also, we are too candid and immodest to say that we don’t love bragging about this fact! We are a stable sign that is ruled by both Mars and Pluto, coz why should one settle for just one planet when you are cool enough to have both?! And Pluto is a dwarf planet, by the way, in case you didn’t know! Yea, we are arrogant prudes too, but let us talk about that in a minute!
Suggested read: 8 things to know about loving a Scorpio woman
As awesome and legendary as we are, dating a Scorpio is tough as hell! Just ask that lanky fellow from the bookstore! If you are in a relationship with one of us, or have been in a relationship in the past, I can bet you know the following things already! But if you are planning to dice with death, cry for wolf early (yes, we are know-alls too!). Oh, so my warning is not enough, huh? Very well then. Read the following truths about dating a Scorpio, and decide for yourself, the way you would want to be killed – stabbed, slaughtered or shot?!
1. It’s never enough to shout out loud that we are the sexiest peeps you will ever meet!
So don’t bother resisting coz that is useless! You cannot, and why should ya?! If you find yourself attracted to the mysterious woman walking around the room like she owns it (talking less smirking more), chances are she is a Scorpio, and she is goo-oh-d in bed!
If one could get into our heads and have an uninhibited view of our fantasies, even E.L. James would shy away! (*Evil laugh*) So, basically, we are kinky as hell! Accordingly, you will be tied up, like literally, dude, and made to do things you have never even imagined!
2. A Scorpio always wins… ALWAYS!
We are determined to the point of being ruthless… okay, manipulative! But also stronger than anybody else you have ever known! You will always want one of us (one is enough!) in your team, coz then, your team is sure to win! Unless your team is the English Cricket Team, of course… Then I don’t know how to help you win the World Cup at a game invented by you yourself! @Piers Morgan!
Basically, we don’t WANT to win; we HAVE to win, and WE WIN! We wait for other people to fail, so that we can jump into their shoes, and show them what it is like to win!
Also, do you know how everybody says that they don’t care what other people think of them? Well, we, Scorpios mean it!
3. Scorpios are private, and fiercely so!
If the person you are dating, at the moment, does not want to make your relationship FB official, it does not mean they are cheating on you. It means they are a Scorpio, at least in spirit! Plus, why would you want the world to butt in into your business???
Also, if your lover does not have any social media account (yea, you read that right!), and maintains a journal in a lockbox, hidden in a safe, within a secretive crawlspace of her building, she is not a psycho- or socio- path. She is a Scorpio!
But, just because we are secretive does not give you the right to hide things from us! We still (very much) want to know your business! See, we are natural Sheldons, and so we are curious. And so we will pry! Isn’t it better you save us and yourself the hassle, and just let us in on whatever it is that you are doing?! If you don’t, we will side-eye you, like forever, and keep speculating what it is that you are hiding!
4. We are charmed by darkness!
So don’t be alarmed when you come home to find us sitting in the dark, watching Forensic Files, with a bucket of chicken clamped to our chests, grinning like Norman Bates! No, we are not serial killers (yet! Also, even if we were, no jury could ever prove it that we’re guilty!)… Honey, we are Scorpios! And we are intrigued by darkness, and darker things in life!
We are world-renowned lovers of death, fear, ghosts, noir, the paranormal and even the occult, at times! As long as your girl isn’t inviting Captain Howdy over, using a Ouija board, just let her be, will you?!
Also, try not to piss her off! Like ever!
5. Our darkness extends to our sarcastic sense of humor!
I mean, the things that crack us up is enough to make us bad people! Now, you cannot judge us for that, okay? Instead, revel in it! You should be proud of our ability to find hilarity in otherwise grisly things. And, baby, that helps make life way lot easier! Chandler is a baby in front of Scorpio-casm!
It’s always good to have us on your side not only because of our sense of humor and wit, but also coz we are super imaginative, and have a ton of options to offer! For example, if you ever have to make a phone call from prison to help you bury a body, or want assistance with something as silly as planning a surprise party, call us up! Not only will we give you what you need, but also not judge you, like vocally! In our head, however, we will weigh you up!
6. We are not bossy, we are the boss!
Even when you think that we aren’t wearing the pants, we are! We will play along as long as your actions suit us. The moment you start acting funny, we will put in your right place again! So, baby, do not get too comfy with us!
Also, we are brutally honest! So if you don’t want to hear the truth, don’t ask us if that dress makes you look fat!
7. Scorpios are kinda psychic. And psycho, but that depends on how suspicious you are!
We have a flair for foretelling the future! Don’t dare swear, ‘Bullsh*t!’ sweetheart! See? I predicted what you were about to say, even before you opened your mouth! Gotcha!
You can attribute this magical power of ours to our keen observational skills and elephant-like memory! Have you watched The Shining? Well, yeah! Nothing to worry about though! Just roll with us, and don’t expect us to show your friends some parlor tricks with that gift! We prefer using something as special as that to save the world from zombies, if and when, they come for us!
8. Scorpios have inborn horse crap detectors!
Since we have an abso-fricking-lutely incredible memory, and a distinctive ability to spot the truth in any situation, whatsoever, don’t even try sugar-coating or lying to us! You shouldn’t do that, not coz of anything, but because if you do tell a lie, you will have to see us angry, and you, my son, don’t want to see us that way!
Now, we Scorpios are shrewd, and sometimes can be vindictive! We have no qualms about destroying you. J In a completely different context, have you read the Gone Girl? No, nothing!
Suggested read: 8 things to know about loving a Scorpio man
9. We love ferociously!
We are awfully loyal and protective AF! If you come home and tell us that someone pushed you on the subway or tried bullying you at work, we will hold you close, shower you with kisses, and put you to sleep after a warm cup of hot chocolate. Then, we will track down that *ssh*le who hurt you, and destroy everything that he has ever loved!
How cute are we?!
Dating a Scorpio is like planning to break into the FBI! It requires intricate planning, which in turn, needs you to understand the basic structure of the ‘Bureau’ that we are! Here was my attempt at explaining who we are, where we are from, and what we are guilty of!
Scorpios never half-*rse a task. So we will give everything into loving you! Please don’t leave us, coz we are ah-mazing in bed, and we don’t want you to miss that, since we care about you a lotttt!
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