I know I sound craven when I say this. But I cannot fight for us. I cannot fight, because who I’m up against is YOU. So, this is me accepting that you have made up your mind. That you are gone. I am acknowledging that there is no further argument to make nor no plea to wager that can get you to stay. I resign myself to the distance between us that I can no longer bridge. And I let go, with a silent goodbye, from afar, hoping you get everything you set out to achieve.
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Admittedly, there is no victory in this. Not for me. But I never needed one. I never needed an earth-shattering epiphany, with the universe conspiring to make everything good from here on. Nor did I need struggle. Or turmoil. Or conflict. Or internal argument. Or analysis- even when it’s me, who cannot decide on anything without months of obsessive thinking about all implications. All I needed was love. And that, no longer is. No longer remains. So, there’s nothing really I need to let go, nothing except –
No more am I going to hope for a do-over- of the last night I fell asleep in your arms or the first time I told you I loved you. No more am I going to root for second chances, of going back in time and kissing you a little longer, loving you a little stronger, of stopping the progress of time when we were together. No more shall I wish to linger in bed five minutes extra, so you can hold me and no more shall I think upon the moment I felt we were drifting apart, for the first time. This is me accepting there is no going back.
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No more am I going to miss you- on nights when a cold bed sheet makes me curl up in the hollow where you used to be, hoping to drown in the chasm and wait for it to swallow me. No more am I going to see your face everywhere- in rain-washed windowpanes, in steaming cups of coffee, an old piece of music or the smile of a stranger. No more am I going to trace your presence in old photos or memories tearing on my heartstrings- for no more shall I feel the thrumming in my heart’s chambers you occupied and left. This is me realizing our heartbeats have been out of sync, for a long while now.
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No more shall I think of love as exclusive to the two of us, or a ‘forever’ as something that binds us together for an eternity. No more shall I imagine our love story to get its happily ever after. No more shall I bind our days together, wanting to be in your life but knowing we cannot be together. No longer shall I put up with the what if-s and no more shall I keep that uncertain tension between us pulling us down. This is me acknowledging that sometimes, even though you love each other, it isn’t quite enough.
Maybe this means that someday, I will be walking the aisle towards somebody, but it won’t be you. That someday, I will have a beginning that never met its ‘happily ever after’ in you. That maybe, someday I may promise my life to someone who isn’t you- and even feel happy about it. That someday, I shall see be ready again, because love gets its due.
Maybe this means you shall grow old, but not beside me. That your life shall be great and full of love but all without me. That you shall receive heartwarming toasts on your 50th birthday or an endearing congratulatory party on that coveted promotion, but I won’t be the one bringing them unto you. That someday when the world weighs you down, I wouldn’t be the one crawling into bed with you or kiss the stress away. That someday when you hold your firstborn, I wouldn’t be the one who placed her in your hand.
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Maybe this means that it wouldn’t be me who’d push you to help with our daughter’s project nor the one who will kick you out of bed to walk Bruno in the park. Maybe this means that it wouldn’t be me who’d shoot angry eye-darts at you for forgetting to do the laundry or even, pay the bills. That it wouldn’t be me who burns dinner and bumps your new car into the garage door. That it wouldn’t be me who’d push you toward your dreams nor me who’d help you reassemble the pieces when some break. Because sometimes, no matter how much you love somebody and want them to be happy, you do not and cannot become their happiness.
And clearly, I am not yours.
I am a choice you can make or oust. And therefore, I am unclasping my fingers, loosening the hold.
I let go- of you, of us.
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This is me accepting that I am a choice, and that I shall never become your happiness. This is me accepting that sometimes, the best things aren’t scattered along a straightforward route- that sometimes, you need to follow a twisted path to achieve your dreams. That sometimes, that is all that matters.
So, this is me doing what’s right. Because sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone you love is to let them go- to feel more, to do more, to be more than they could ever have become, by your side.
And even though it hurts me, this is my final gift to you.
I shall choose us, no more.
I choose to let go. Now.
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