When years have slid by and he’s still the center of your universe but you do not even come close to the periphery of his, you ask yourself what the f*ck is wrong.
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Why hasn’t the whole moving on spiel that everyone spouts worked for you? Why does that one last Whatsapp text still weigh down upon your bones, crushing them into dust and ashes you will never rise from? Why do you breathe in the air of impossible anticipation, hoping the phone would flash his name one more time? Why can you not let go? Why can’t you move on after a breakup?
Maybe the answers aren’t simple. Maybe they are.
Maybe you’d have to get used to his presence inside you when he’s nowhere around nor will be. Maybe you will have to breathe in his scent every single moment, because you have filled him in your soul. Maybe you will cry when you are laughing at something that reminds you of his jokes. Maybe you will feel his hands wrapped about you in a bone-crushing embrace forever and you will endure the pain. Maybe you will just have to accept that there’s no ‘normalcy’ in being put together right after your world was turned upside down and you became too weak to put it all back together.
Suggested read: You are not meant to forget him
Maybe closure is a lie.
You don’t close the door on someone who has been home to you. You don’t steal into homes you’d made of people you loved, when you can clearly read a ‘no trespassing’ sign out in the lawn. And yet, you cannot help but wait outside, in the broken motel of your skin, inhabiting the cracked wounds of your being, trembling to stand on the squeaky floorboards of your heart- just so you can catch a glimpse of the one who can bring in sunshine and with it, repair, renewal- LIFE!
Maybe that’s what loving is all about. You don’t unlove the people you’ve loved.
You carry them forever, like drops in an ocean – ever mingling with your mood waves, crashing at the shore of reason, and rising up again at the behest of your heart-still-in-love. Denying their presence or even their strength in raging storms or calm skies alike is to deny a part of who you are, a part of who you’ve become and forever a part of who you will be.
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So, maybe you have to stop dwelling on this moving on sh*t. Maybe you are going to have to keep him inside like a devious puzzle without solution whose pieces will sometimes create a faint memory, sometimes, an embossed moment of the past, and on others, a not-so-distinct mosaic of everything you once held dear and precious. It may hurt to carry these pieces within – especially when they rattle and pierce through your skin, threatening to reopen the wounds time is slowly stitching in – but that’s a choice you have made. A choice that may not be the obvious way to move on, or whatever that baffling sh*t is about, but one that involves moving on with life, by not checking in baggage that is rightfully yours.
Whether or not it slows down your pace, time will tell. But for now, you will carry it along – unpacking the contents whenever you need a whiff of him – to breathe!
Featured image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License