You and I were one for an infinite moment in time. Alas, that moment, which I’d thought was infinite, didn’t nearly last long enough.
I remember the first time we met, me a little nervous at the thought of meeting a stranger, while you strolled in with all the confidence in the world. I was naïve, you seemed worldly. I was tense, you were calm. I was an introvert while you thrived in a group.
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As opposites as we seemed, I felt an instant connection with you. I didn’t know if you’d felt the same way, but I didn’t care. I was on cloud nine. I felt like everything was clicking into place. Finally. After years of just going through the motions of living, I felt alive like I’d never felt before.
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That meeting was the prelude to all of the dreams and castles I built in the air. Without conscious effort on your part or mine, you became the first person I thought of when I rose in the morning, and the last person I spoke to before closing my eyes. I can still remember some of the conversations – both serious and silly – we had during long phone conversations well into the night. It’s funny how the smallest, most insignificant details mean so much in the end.
Amidst all the euphoria I was high on, I also remember being scared. I just didn’t understand how someone like you could be attracted to someone like me. You were all the things I wasn’t. Worldly, wise, successful, outgoing, light – it was no wonder I was drawn to you like a moth drawn to a flame. While you spent your nights out with friends partying, I was content to spend my evenings curled up on the couch reading a romance novel. You were the type of guy whom I would admire from the across the crowded room, but never have enough guts to approach.
I was drowning in the attention you showered on me. I was content, ecstatically happy, and mind-blowingly high on my happiness. Slowly but surely, you filled in the empty space between my lungs. Whenever I thought of you, I felt like I would never let you go. My heart ached to be closer to you; it now knew what it meant to love and be loved like a man loves a woman.
But for all this, you and I had never exchanged those three little words that sealed the deal. But no matter, for there was so much left to explore and find out about each other, that we’d get there – eventually, I consoled myself. Turns out, that those three words made little to no difference in how you felt. In return for my love, all I got was an echoing silence from your end. But I still consoled myself that it wasn’t too late, that you’ll come to care for me as much as I did for you, that you’ll eventually realize that you are indeed in love with me.
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It all came crashing down when you just up and left. Deafening silence ruled my days, racking sobs hurt my heart, but you weren’t there anymore. I tortured myself trying to make sense of what had happened, how I came to be lying on the floor of my bathroom racked with uncontrollable sobs. I couldn’t make any sense. I hadn’t done anything wrong, had I? my mind kept up with the constant rambling, unable to come to terms with what had really happened.
Days turned into months. I was in a grief-induced haze, trying desperately and by any means necessary, to keep us alive. But all I got in return was your apathy. Without conscious thought, my mind kept going over the dreams and castles I’d built in the air. I felt like a voyeur of my own dreams. I felt like I didn’t even know myself. How was that possible? How could I have been affected that much by one guy? I just couldn’t get you out of my head, however hard I tried.
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I finally let myself fall apart. For, to build a new building, you had to tear down the old one and build it from ground up. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to endure. I woke up in cold sweats, sick to my stomach, my mind rebelling against the idea that you were gone, that I was all alone – again. I so desperately wanted to call you crying, asking you what went wrong, begging you to take me back, not caring one whit about how pathetic it made me. I couldn’t do it though, because somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I would never get the answers I wanted.
Just so you know, I haven’t let you go – yet. I have to admit, I can’t stop thinking about the numerous ‘what ifs’ that bombard me when I least expect it. What would I have had to do for you to be with me now? I still find myself lost in memories, drowning in denial, and the fear of what the future holds. Unwittingly, I keep waiting to hear your voice on the other end of the line, to assure me everything’s going to be okay. But in the end, I’m all that’s left of us.
Till now, I never realized how much it hurt losing someone who was never truly mine.
Featured image source: Shutterstock
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