You thought you’d spend the rest of your life together, but that didn’t happen. Instead, you’re left with a broken heart and a sense of despair that is so overwhelming as to question the fact that if you would ever be able to come out of it. You keep hoping that it’s a bad dream from which you’d wake up any moment now, that everything would go back to normal, the way it was supposed to. You pray to every God known to mankind that they’ll come back and make it all better. However, the waters are going to be murky for awhile.
You didn’t just lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, but your best friend, who was the one person you thought was the closest to you in the entire world. That kind of loss devastates you, it cripples you, making you think that it’s the end of the road. You can’t see any light past the dark grey clouds hovering in your life. However, this is not the end, there is light at the end of the tunnel, there is light past the dark grey clouds, and you will be whole once again. Although you might think that you’ve lost who you are, it won’t last. You will learn how to find yourself again, and be happy again.
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How to find yourself after a breakup
1. Give yourself the time to grieve
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When you’ve just been through a breakup, it probably feels like there’s nothing happy left in your life. That it’s the worst possible thing that could happen to a person. That there’s a hole in your chest where your heart used to be. Every little thing reminds you of them. They even haunt your dreams. So be kind to yourself; allow yourself to grieve and cry and feel the pain. It’s okay to cry, sometimes even months after the breakup. Don’t bottle it up and tough it out, because this way, you’re not dealing with your pain. This only sets the stage for an inevitable outburst sometime down the line. It’s better if you let all the hurt and pain out through your tears than to bottle it up. This is when you need your friends and family the most. Pour your heart out to them if you want, or soak in the succor they offer in your time of need. Don’t rush through your grief; let time do its thing and heal you broken heart.
2. Don’t make the breakup bigger than it is
When you make the breakup bigger and badder that it actually is, you’re allowing yourself to be consumed by it. This has far-reaching repercussions than you fathom. While it’s okay for you to feel the hurt and pain and work through it, don’t let it get the best of you. Let your emotions flow, let out the negative feelings that you’re harboring, and open yourself up for positive things in life. How you do this, is up to you – pen your thoughts down in a book, or take a leaf out of Taylor Swift’s modus operandi and write music. Or even try newer things that you’ve always wanted to try – like pottery, painting, or taking up a sport. That way, you’re channeling your hurt and negative energy in a positive manner. It’ll also help you get over it that much faster.
3. Stop blaming yourself
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A relationship takes two people to make it a success or a failure. However, the fault for the breakup doesn’t solely rest upon you. Remember that no relationship is perfect. So there’s no use thinking about what you could have done to save it. If you tried to save it while your partner didn’t, then you should be at peace with yourself because you did everything in your power to resuscitate it. If the other person wasn’t willing to do what it took to make it work, then it’s not your fault, and there’s no point in staying. It’s hard not to wallow in self-pity when you’re nursing a broken heart, but know that you did everything in your power to save the relationship, despite your partner’s reluctance or hesitance to do so. Granted that it’s sad, that a great thing you both had had to come to an end, but maybe one day, you’ll realize that it just wasn’t meant to be because you deserved better.
4. Get away from your now-ex-partner
You know what causes the most hurt after a breakup? Seeing the person who hurt you in the flesh. They are the source of your hurt, and it’s best to stay far away from them. In fact, try and cut all avenues of contact with them. No texting, no IMing, no emails, and no social media stalking them. You might think that you want to know what’s been going on in their life, but it’s for the best if you make a clean break of it. It’ll help you move on faster from the heartbreak. There’s this one part of your illogical heart telling you that things might get better if you stayed in touch with them, but it ain’t so. All it accomplishes to do is make your wounds deeper and your hurts more painful.
Suggested read: 10 compelling reasons to start loving yourself after a breakup
5. It’s okay to be angry
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As long as you don’t let it consume you. As you process your grief, you pass denial and hurt by moving on to anger and hatred. Although anger is easier to deal with than pain, it’s exhausting, it’s draining. And ultimately, it’s negative, which, you’re trying to get away from. The best way to do this is to work through the anger and letting it out. Do what you do when you get angry – scream, shout, punch a pillow or shred one, if it makes you feel better, or even take up a sport where you get to throw punches without any repercussions! The point is to let out all the anger you’re feeling, and not bottling it up.
6. Be the bigger person
Once you’re past the stage of anger, you’d want revenge. You might think up ways to hurt your ex the way they hurt you. You may think that getting revenge on your ex will make you feel a lot better, but the truth is, it won’t. It’s just not worth your time, energy, or your effort. Let it go. It’s easier said than done, sure, but be the bigger person and let it go. However much you want to hurt them by badmouthing them to friends, or bashing them on social media, or sending them texts telling them how stupid they were to lose a person like you, don’t. Keep your cool and show how classy you are.
7. Look at the bright side
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Again, easier said than done, but there’s a silver lining to every dark cloud. Maybe you’ll realize that your breakup was for the best. That you’re meant for bigger and better things in life. The breakup is just a minor bump in your road, not a wall. You get past this bump and go on ahead. Don’t let such a small thing keep you from living your life to the fullest. Bring back the focus on you, your wants, your needs, and move on. Surround yourself with positive people who will uplift you and cheer you on. Meet new people, make new friends, focus on your goals, make new ones, put your effort into making your dreams into reality, travel, party, and generally enjoy life. You’re given this one life; stop and think if it’s worth wallowing in self-pity. Learn from the bad incident and move on. Think of it as you coming out a litte wiser and a lot mature.
8. Focus on yourself
Now that you’re out of the relationship, you have ample time to focus on you. Stop thinking about your ex and start thinking about you. Your ex doesn’t deserve it. Stop thinking about getting back at them one way or the other, and start working on yourself. You need to be the focus of your life right now. Many people say that a change in hairstyle or retail therapy helps during a breakup. If you have the means, give this a try. It’s time you changed your look – hairwise as well as clotheswise. And it’s an awesome way to boost your self-confidence.
9. Don’t give up on love
This is one of the things that people who’ve been hurt in love do. Just because one person gave up on you, doesn’t mean you give up on love altogether. How does that make sense? People with broken hearts protect themselves by erecting all these walls and don’t allow love and/or another person through. But that won’t bring you happiness. You need love in your life, and love is a risk, a leap of faith. It’s not set in stone. Just because you fell down your bicycle, you can’t decide not to learn to ride at all. Just because you were hurt once, doesn’t mean you’ll get hurt again. Just because love brought hurt into your life, doesn’t mean you give up on love altogether. When the right person comes along at the right time, your risk, your leap of faith will be rewarded. Remember, it’s always better to love than to never have loved at all.
10. Love yourself to know that you deserve the best
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Just because you weren’t patient enough to wait for the right person, you shouldn’t settle for less than the best. The person who broke your heart wasn’t the best; if they were, they wouldn’t have broken your heart in the first place. You deserve honesty; you deserve someone who will stick by you no matter what; you deserve someone who will do right by you; you deserve to be treated right; you deserve to respect, loyalty, and love. Love yourself enough to know that you deserve the best and don’t settle for anything less.
When your heart is broken, the future seems bleak and you don’t want to get hurt again. But finding love again should come only after you learn how to find yourself after the breakup, and emerge stronger than ever. Take your time, grieve your loss, come to terms with it, and move on. There lies a beautiful world just outside your grief-induced dome. Step out and ye shall be rewarded.
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