Hey you,
I have wanted to say this for a long time now but the words wouldn’t rise as easily to a tear-choked throat- so I’m writing. It’s easier this way because I can say everything I want, without any fear of missing out on all the truths buried inside me- the secrets you have tried to read in my eyes, the answers you have sought through silent, patient understanding.
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I know you are not in an easy position. You are the one after a great love, and an even greater heartbreak. A love that I, like anyone else, believed would last forever. A love I wanted more than anything and anyone else in the world. A love that slipped away- without a warning or a goodbye.
Maybe you knew all of this. Maybe you didn’t. Maybe you knew that you’d be there until the wave of pain passed over- until I was ready to ride the tide again. Maybe you knew you’d be there, longer. Forever.
Suggested read: An open letter to all the men I have loved before
I don’t know what it was, for me, though. Friendship? Comfort? Solace? Change? A breath of respite between endless pain- I can’t say. Or maybe I can. Now.
Maybe I knew it’d be more. Maybe I knew YOU’d be more. More than a friend, more than a crying shoulder, more than a confidant. More than peace. And now that I do know you ARE more, I want to let you in on the difficult road. The harder bits- the bitter truths. Facts that wouldn’t be easy to swallow but must be taken, nonetheless.
Maybe you know some parts of this truth already. I know you’ve sensed it. So, I will simply confirm.
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The weight you feel is the shadow of the one who’s been beside me, before you. The one who was here first, who I’d have done anything for but who couldn’t and wouldn’t do the same for me. You’d say, I should relieve myself of him- and you too. I wish I could. I wish I could tell you that the past and its burden isn’t ours to tow- that it isn’t here anymore. But I cannot lie. I will not lie.
The past is. And probably will always be. It is not something I can detach, extract or even surgically remove. It will forever define who I was and who I have become. It shall remain in a corner of my heart, like memories from another time and place that you cannot undo or erase.
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That does not mean I do not love you. I do. I really do, with all my heart and soul. More today than yesterday and ever-so-more on the morrow. And nothing from my yesterdays, lived out with someone else, takes away from my present with you.
YES, I feel him bleed when an old memory shard pricks and pierces through my skin. I feel him spill from the corners of my eyes when a song or name reminds me of something he did. But that’s because he is a drop that has merged in the infinite ocean of my soul and shall flow inside, forever.
The question is if you’d be okay with being the wave of love that shall carry me forward? If you’d be happy, melting into me- as we coalesce and become one- not bothered by who else flows in our current, if only we could circulate in each other?
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If yes, then I can promise that each moment that you choose to spill in me, we’d become more YOU and ME and less him.
To a hope of becoming US, forever,
Yours,
Me
Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
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