Girlfriend: Hon, I need to tell you something really important.
Boyfriend: Yes babes, I’m listening.
<a lie-o-meter in the distance goes buzz…zzzzz….zzzz…..>
(Tunes in to ‘nothing world’ while she chatters about ‘important’ stuff with equally ‘important’ animated gestures)
G: So, do you think I should do it?
B: (nodding his head) Uhh…
G: (angrily) You didn’t listen to a word I said, did you?
B: (snaps out of the ever-so-more intriguing ‘nothing world’) Huh, what? Of course, I was paying attention babes. You were talking, um, about that, er, your important thing, right?
G: (switches to silent mode and turns away)
B: Baby, I really WAS listening. You know I’d never lie to you.
<a dozen lie-o-meters buzzz….zzz… BOOM!! BLAST!>
G: (looks at him)
B: Okay, tell me what can I do to make up? What do you want to do?
G: (gets excited and gives him a hug) Aww…you’re the sweetest, let’s go shopping. D&G has got a new line-up.
B: (mental cuss: great idea, a****le, you couldn’t vomit the ‘you are so important to me baby, let me fix you your favorite sandwich tonight and then we’ll cuddle up under the stars and talk all night’ lie, now go max out all your credit cards, f**kwit!)
G: (picking out a dress) Should I wear this pink maxi dress? Does it make my collar-bones look weird?
<a lie-o-meter buzzes again>
Okay, so you get the idea. No, we aren’t saying your guy is lying ALL THE TIME. But there’s a pretty good chance he is lying about 50% of the time (And that’s the percentage for the lucky b*****ds who have got a rather mildly cribbing, nagging, and non-satellite/stalking girlfriend) 😉 😛 So, for the other ladies out there who love their eye rolls, can throw in tantrums that’d shame Ekta Kapoor’s vamps, and have their tear-factories working in overdrive, overtime along with an every-hour call ritual to their guy to find out what they’re doing, please calculate that lie percentage yourselves. Remember the rate is directly proportional to all your ‘awesome’ qualities listed above! Sorry, I have almost always sucked at math. 😛
And while you may still choose to believe he was genuinely busy and hence, didn’t call you or worse, he ‘loves’ you, we have collated those top ten classic lies that your ‘ohh-so-truthful’ guy uses to get you gooey or worse, to get into your pants. Only, if you cared to check his’ (before he threw them away in all the romping anticipation), you’d find them on fire – coz I heard somewhere, ‘liars’ pants catch fire,’ or something to that effect. 😛
And FYI, each of these shall have your lie-o-meters buzzing full-throttle. Check out these 10 lies your boyfriend tells you:
1. You look great in everything!
Okay, we will give the poor lads this one. More often than not, he’s just trying to be nice (and also save his ass from being whipped by a dress-whip!). But dudes, unless your girlfriend is a celeb and has a personal stylist glued to her (minds out of the gutter please!) all the time, there are chances that she might pick something not-so-apt for an important occasion. Save her and yourself the embarrassment by ‘lovingly’ honking the truth-horn. In case, it’s too harsh for her ears, she’ll whip your ass with the dress she spent a week’s worth of nights to decide on and more than an hour putting on! But that’s okay, right? 😉 😛
2. I have eyes only for you!
Possibly the most horrible lie ever told on the face of the earth! Of course, he checks out other women. He is a man and has testosterone pumping through his veins. It is natural. Just because he happens to feast off a certain home-cooked dinner does not mean he cannot relish looking at the options in the menu, right? 😉 Ladies, this one is a lie you know IS a LIE. (And plus, we catch you checking out hot guys and their butts too, it is really, really OKAY, okay?) 😉
3. You’re smart and funny!
Okay, this one may be genuine in certain cases. But more often than not he is mentally cursing all the times he has made use of this one whilst you are cracking one lame joke after the other. (Plus, since men are not adept at multi-tasking, you are physically hurting the guy for making him laugh and bang the table-top whilst he is mentally making notes of ‘fatal’ lies for his bros and also, cursing himself!) 😛 So, seriously – unless you are Paula Poundstone or have the humor equivalent of a Bill Cosby or Bob Hope or Tina Fey, save yourself the trouble of cracking those poor poor jokes just because he thinks you’re funny. Coz ladies, he LIED! <true story!>
4. I think about you all the time!
Now this one is as truthful as the sun orbiting around the earth. C’mon, as ludicrous and inane as it sounds, this one is practically impossible. Of course, if he decides to think of you, he will probably think of “YOU” and ‘you only’ for longer than when you think of ‘him,’ and then immediately ‘a romantic trip,’ and a millisecond later, ‘your first kiss’ and next, ‘his status update,’ ‘his karaoke dedication,’ ‘the last night,’ ‘his geeky ways,’ ‘how he’s gonna propose,’ ‘if he’s ever going to,’ ‘OMG, what if he doesn’t,’ <panic mode, brain in hyperactive mode>, ‘why wouldn’t he,’ ‘does he not love me enough,’ ‘am I not good enough for him?’, ‘does he still have feelings for his ex …,’ and ………. <system crash!> 😛 So, when he says this, just remember you read this and tell your mind it is okay. His brain is possibly going:
Darling, Darwin, Denise Richards, Demi Moore, Deepika Padukone, Diana Penty, … ohh, Diablo 3!! 😉
Suggested read: 11 powerful signs you are in a healthy relationship!
5. I’m nearly there! (And trust me, I’m not thinking dirty – well, okay, I am, but this one is not in that context) 😉
So, you call him and ask him where on earth he is, when he was supposed to be where you’re calling from forty-five minutes ago! He says this! It just means you’ll have to wait for another half an hour (twenty minutes, if he revs up the engines and jams on the accelerator hard) until he shows up. It is not his fault, dear sisters … it is darned hard to stop when you are winning that ‘last’ game you promised you’d win. And if you are the type who cannot wait, make sure you steal his psp controller before the scheduled date (and maybe his laptop, kindle, porn collection, and other distractions!) 😛
6. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.
Unless you look anything like Salma Hayek, this one is pretty much the worst one you could fall for. And if you believe it, girl, I am judging you and not him! <eye roll> You may be the ‘most beautiful woman in his life’ but as for those he has seen … umm … yessss, only after Catherine Zeta Jones, Jessica Alba, Aishwarya Rai, Penelope Cruz, Megan Fox, Miranda Kerr, and some other hundred women!
7. I swear that’s the number of people I’ve been with.
If you popped the question, you brought this one upon yourself. Whatever is the number he says, it would be add or take away five. Either way, he is trying to not be on the ‘too lascivious’ or ‘too inexperienced’ end of the spectrum. And well, you can’t blame him – you asked for it! Just don’t dig deeper or else there will be a series of ridiculous lies coming up!!
8. I don’t think your friend, uh what’s her name, yeah (insert name) (clever ruse, although we know you have it by heart!) is hoottt!
You have got to have a hot friend for this one, and even if you do have one or more, you need to have the heart to have your guy see or meet her to hear this lie! The ‘forgetting-her-name’ fake out and the ‘I think her nose is rather big’ or ‘she wears her hair weird’ are all quite okay, but your ‘am-I-the-smartest-coolest-Pinocchio’ lads forget that the dramatic accents you use to polish your act are elementary tactics we girls learnt in kindergarten with our alphabet. So, yes, we know you are lying and we know you think she is hot! We’ll just come up with some clever ideas to keep you from seeing her or meeting her ever again! <deep thinking mode>
Suggested read: Unmistakable early signs you are in an unhealthy relationship
9. I hate those sexist jokes too!
Yeah, right. Just like you laugh so hard on ‘marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy’ joke that you fall off the bed and have the Pyaar Ka Punchnama– Rajjo scene mugged by heart! And whilst I am ranting about male chauvinist pigs and you’re pretending to agree, aren’t you thinking why I am not in the kitchen making those margaritas for you? I mean, they won’t make themselves, right, and kitchen jobs are for women, eh? How about using the blender to create some nice bumpy architecture on your head, eh? 😛
10. You’re the best sex I’ve ever had.
Now, while this may really be an ego-booster, beware! Be wary of using this one guys, lest it come back and bite you in the rear later. If you can’t stop harping on how you can’t believe your stars you have found her coz she is unbelievably great in bed, you are closing doors for any possible experimentation or improvement. You told her she’s great and you love her moves and that there’s nothing more you could ever want – bang! There indeed is nothing more you’d ever get. So much for lying with a bang about the best banging you ever had! 😛
So, there it is – the classic lies he’s definitely telling you. And if you still believe you are in an honest relationship where you don’t lie to each other, well … go pinch yourself in an inappropriate place and then come back and read this!
And by the way, even if he’s lying through his teeth using one or two or all of the above, he might be the ‘one’ you are meant to be with – just stop asking him if your new haircut looks good!
Happy lying! J
Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License