*New mail in your inbox*
To: New Love Times
From: Broke boyfriend
I am brokus!
Yea, so it’s just Feb, the 2nd and I am already broke AF, bro! Actually I am always broke so that part’s cool… there is a reason why I have a rich girlfriend (/s), you see! *Smirk*
Borrowing from her hurts no one on other days, but asking her for money to gift her on Valentine’s Day? No, that’s against the macho honor code! Hell, yea!
Desperate times call for desperate measures, bro!
He to Google: ‘What organs do human beings not need?’
Google (before I finish!): Appendix
He: Let me finish, woman! ‘What organs do human beings not need but can donate to the others who need?’
Google: Kidney! Don’t you watch Hindi movies?!
Righty ho! So basically I have to set up a boxer to ruin his opponent’s kidney and make the doctors take mine. All that’s way easy. But how do I get him an opponent of the same blood group as mine? Now that’s tedious!
Bazinga! What if I sneak into her house and stall all the calendars and manipulate the ones on her devices to make her feel it is still August?
But what about the weather?
I could make her feel hot, you know! 😉
Nah, Nah! Not gonna work! I bet her shitty girlfriends have already told her that 10 days, 12 hours, 40 minutes and 3 seconds later is Doom’s Day for men! Real bad influence, these girls!
So what do I do??? Take a travel loan and go on a vacation with her?
I think you were not hearing, but I am pretty much broke all the time! Scrolling down Instagram posts is the closest I have got to travelling in years!
Steal a tragedy novel from the library and gift her? How about I send her my bank statements? I know of no greater tragedy than that!
Ah, I can have my macho spirit (and body!) come to my rescue, like always! I can become a premium service escort! But who’s gonna pay for this shit of a body that I have. I, certainly wouldn’t! To think of it, I am very lucky to actually get some action between the sheets courtesy my girlfriend!
Ah! I should gift her a pair of glasses then?!
Suggested read: When you are a broke boyfriend…
To: Broke Boyfriend
Here are a few things you can actually do to become rich and save this relationship because a loser like you will get no chicks if this one flies!
- Get adopted by richer parents. (You can visit your real parents if you are feeling bad about this!)
- Do a crash course (free online) on computer hacking. Hack your girlfriend’s computer. Blackmail her and take the money. (C’mon! you will be spending it on her only. It’s like a gift from her to her!)
- Make a sex tape. For inspiration turn to greats like Kim K and Paris Hilton.
- Get her pregnant*. That is one of the quickest way to get her on shows like “Teen Mom” and you can become her personal assistant!
*Only applicable if she is below 16!
- If she is above 16, we have another option: Get her pregnant with 8 babies at a time! Sure way to come on TV!
- Be a huge ‘tool’! The bigger the ‘tool’ the more the attention! Fancy some, ‘Guddu ki Gun’, pal?!
If all this is too tough for you (sissy!), there are ways you can make her happy without spending a penny, you cheapo!
- ‘Please’ her! (Yea, specifically)
- Don’t ask for a BJ for at least a year!
- Since you can’t buy her a pet, become one!
- Don’t be jealous of her best friend!
- Make her heart-shaped pancakes. Not ‘<3’ you, retard! The anatomical diagram!
Can’t do this too? Die!
“But who’ll buy me the poison?”
Featured image source: roseandthecity