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I Am Tired Of Pretending I Am Okay

I am okay.

Or at least that is what I keep reminding myself – time and time again. I’m the most ordinary person that you can meet. I have a forgetful face and can never be the life of the party. I do the kind of obvious things that doesn’t really make me stand out from the crowd. Though, I am always sincere in whatever I do, but somehow, I am doomed to live a life full of resentment.

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Even if I am able to do well and make my dreams come true, there is this sense of emptiness inside me that never lets me cherish what I already have. Every time they ask me how I am doing, I let them know “I am fine.” I always carry a smile on my face, hoping that someday they would be able to read beyond my words. Sometimes, I feel like I am a walking funeral of all those lives that I am just not living. I want to scream. I want to scream at the tip of my voice. Though, not even silence comes out of my mouth and my tongue becomes a graveyard of all those words that are just not spoken.

I feel heartbroken.

I don’t even know if I have a heart to protect anymore. Maybe, I gave it to someone long back when I discovered what love really meant. I was never the one who used to wear my heart on my sleeves. I was anything but a hopeless romantic – or maybe that is what I used to think.

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Love came to me in the most unexpected way.  All my friends were falling in and out of love. They used to describe it as something that can only be felt. I gave my heart to the one who showed the least bit of interest in my life. Don’t get me wrong! I wasn’t lonely. In fact, I was pretty happy with my face. But I was so desperate to fall in love, that I lost myself in the process of finding it.

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It took me a very long time to realize how wrong everyone was. Maybe, they all got lucky in love or I could be the only exception. Things didn’t really happen the way I expected them to be. I didn’t even know that our hearts once given can never be taken back. I regret the moment I fell in love because it broke my heart into a thousand pieces.

I try my best to be the best version of myself with every passing day. But there are days when I can’t stop missing my heart. I feel blue, which makes everyone around me think that I am heartless.

I am not heartless. I am just heartbroken. I am still breathing – still living, with a broken heart. I have no place to go. I don’t know when these broken pieces of mine would be whole again.

I am tired of living a life that I never wanted.

Now, I feel like I am a part of this strange limbo. I wake up every day to do everything they expect me to do. I am doing everything the right way, still, there is no sense of life in my world at all. It feels like I am just going through with different notions of life without really experiencing the beauty of it.

This is not the life I wanted. I want to go back in time and relive all those moments. I would rather be hurt than feel nothing at all. I can’t be like this my whole like.

I am tired of being so hollow.

man thinking_New_Love_Times

Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License

There is nothing left in me anymore. I still remember the time when I used to be filled with this limitless energy. I was kind and passionate. I was able to touch the sky. The moment I started to fly and got wings, I got noticed by everyone around. They started to ask all these little things from me.

When they asked me for a moment, I gave them an hour.

When they asked me for a drop of water, I gave them a pond.

When they asked me for a true lover’s kiss, I gave them a lifetime of unconditional love.

I didn’t even realize how tactfully they got everything that I had. They took all those pieces of me, so little that I was not able to even acknowledge. Until one day, I woke up and realized that I had nothing else to give.

I am left with nothing now – not even a true lover’s kiss. All my wings are gone and I can’t even fly. There is this hollowness inside me that keeps haunting me with every passing day.

I am tired of living an unfulfilled life.

With so much of sadness, I have nowhere else to go. I can’t find my hideaway. I can’t even find some air to breathe. My lungs are filled with vacuum and I can’t stop myself from drowning. I am becoming “nothing” with every passing day and I want somebody to save me. Save me from the nothing I have become.

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Whenever I try to flip around and make it work, I never succeed. I have become this “almost” person who never really gets what he wants. I have been an almost lover, an almost best friend, an almost ideal brother, and almost perfect son, and so many other almost things.

I am not whole. There is this sense of being incomplete that I can’t overlook. But I wasn’t always like this. Once upon a time, I used to be complete. And then life happened. It met me in the most unexpected way. I was not ready to change. I was not ready to feel so many emotions all at once. I was a fragile and to be frank, I was just lonely.

It crashed and broke me down. I was shattered into some thousand pieces. When life realized how ruthlessly it has treated me, it tried to make me whole again. Against all odds, it took all those broken pieces of mine to make me complete. But time was running out and life didn’t really care about me that much anymore.

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Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License

Life put me back together hurriedly by losing several pieces of me while making me whole again. It left me unceremoniously, taking away all those significant parts of me with it. It has left me like this – broken and I don’t know how to be whole again. All I know is that I need to find all these pieces of me. I keep looking for them in others, knowing I won’t be able to feel whole again. Never.

I am tired of saying “I am okay!”

Whenever I say “I am okay,” I want someone to look me in the eyes and say “Tell me the truth”.

I am anything but okay. I am hollow. I am incomplete. I am broken. And somehow, I am all those things at once. Whenever I try to be with someone, they always take a step back. They tell me that it’s not what they want. How can they feel wrong when each and every cell of my body knows that it’s right? They tell me that they can’t handle it – that I am too much for them. How can I be too much for somebody when I am not even whole yet?

I feel like I am a diluted version of myself. A piece of crayon that was left unused. An abandoned car that was forgotten by its owner. I feel like I am a roadside accident. People are just stopping by to see the damage, but no one is trying to help me. I want my owner to come back and stop me from burning my own fuel. I want someone to put me back in the pack of crayons. I want someone to make me whole again.

I might seem alright and can give you the most humorous answers. I might go out with you and love you in the most romantic way. I might stay awake all night with you while staring at the midnight blue sky. I might behave in the most ideal way. But trust me – I am not okay.

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If I tell you I am okay, it only means I would be lying to myself and you. I can’t do that anymore. I am tired of wearing this masquerade my whole life and carrying a smile on my face that was never even mine. I want to break free and be limitless. It feels like I have been strangled with my own insecurities. I can’t breathe. I can’t walk. I can’t live.

I can’t exist. I can’t exist.

man thinking_New_Love_Times

Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License

I am the one who exists deep – in you, within you. I am part of you that always go unnoticed. You look me in the eyes every time you see your reflection in the mirror. Some people call me “childhood” while others have tagged me as “depression”. Truth to be told – I am everything from your inner voice to the conscience that makes you your own moral compass. Guide my way back home. I am lost here. I am not okay and only you can save me from yourself.

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Article Name
I Am Tired Of Pretending I Am Okay
I am okay - or at least, that's what I tell myself!
Bhavya Kaushik

Bhavya Kaushik

A national bestselling author, Bhavya believes that too often the stories we write paint the reality we try to escape from. Bhavya believes in breaking the stereotypes and trying new things because life is too short to let it stay boring. With his love for verse, he can be found avidly blogging about life, love and everything that covers in between. He lives his life by the motto, 'I'm the story of my own journey.' "I don't write stories. I write characters."