I poured myself in you, like an ocean unafraid to drown in a river. I spilled so much of myself from the sides that my waves turned from me like wild horses, rearing up to leave before crashing down on the shore, unable to move their white foam hooves without me. Yet, I chose to remain- in you, certain that you’d be the lighthouse that will light up my way and prove it safe for me to sail on you. Time proved me wrong. Not a long time. You drowned my waves in a crushing current that felt like a knife was forever stuck in my heart, piercing and stabbing harder when the current was strong, but holding me back from coming up for air one f*cking time!
You ask yourself why. Why is it that you have offered all of the universe upon your palm and he still wears a tiny shake of the head and turns away? Why is it that every time you try to make it work is a new reason you hear for breaking it off? I need to find myself. I need to chase my dream. I am not happy. Something. Anything. And you know it is a lie.
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You know it is a lie because you can see it in his eyes. You’ve seen it a long time. In the way he’s put his foot out the door, willing himself to find the courage to make his sweet escape whilst he can hear your muffled sobs in the darkness. You’ve seen the message staring at you, through the half-liquid mirror of his eyes. IT IS OVER. He does not love you, because he has reasons not to.
Suggested read: Why letting go of a relationship isn’t as simple as it seems
Reasons like your life is a spontaneous chaos and that you are okay with it. Reasons like you do not plan every frickin’ moment of your life until your days and months starts to look like a color-coded library of planners.
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Reasons like you leave your clothes in the dryer long after they are dry and that you think there is a ‘proper’ place for a thing he has grown used to placing ‘improperly’ for years! Reasons like he cannot stand the ‘where it belongs’ and dramatic eye roll responses you give, and reasons like some more excuses to cover up the half-as*ed sh*t he is investing in the relationship.
What, then, is the real reason for his estrangement?
He has outgrown your perfections and begun to dwell only on your flaws. I wouldn’t call them flaws, even. Quirks at best. But what is love, if not loving the one your heart beats for, as is- without any exceptions?
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If he cannot love all of you, as you are, let him go. Do not let him keep parts of you he likes and discard the ones that he thinks do not sit well with his own. If life were a neat puzzle like that, we’d have figured out the mantra to a hassle-free happy one much earlier. And since it isn’t so, do not allow him to replace pieces of you with something else. You weren’t created to be the incredibly beautiful woman you are just so someone would come along and change you into someone else. You weren’t meant to be someone else. You were meant to be exactly who you are.
So, let him go. Ask him to walk out the door of your life and make it known that the lock will be latched.
Lose him like an unfinished song, looping over and over in your mind, that hopes for some shred of familiar lyrics to rise to your lips but knows it is a lost cause. Drop him like tears for each moment of a joyous hue he painted in your life and every single instant he washed it with blue. Play the tune in your mind until it wears you out and you trash it. Watch the mosaic of your life with him drop from your eyes and never come back.
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Suggested read: You are not meant to forget him
Don’t leave your knees buckled for him and do not allow him to leave the door cracked. If he knows you will let him in, he will keep this key on his key chain and return when he’s running low on luck and options. Even if he has left behind a colder room where you cry yourself to sleep each night, holding your heart a li’l closer, adding a sheet of pain to grow thicker skin and trying to keep pace with whatever the f*ck this ‘moving on’ sh*t is, do not allow him to return.
If he hated your silence when you were upset and couldn’t handle the hard turn of your back and the aloof roll of your eyes, show him how anything YOU doesn’t change. Show him that whatever of you he left behind in a room that collapsed as soon as he walked out- you will build again. Into a home that is warm and cheerful and smells of YOU. A home he will never have a key to.
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