Dear boyfriends from hell,
Oops! Let me try this again.
Dear boyfriends who make our lives a living hell,
I can imagine you burping over ‘maa ke haath ka khana’ and then, sitting to read this! But not without laughing off my comment! Well, whatever!
I know when you finish reading this open letter (if you do), because it is a matter all girlfriends are concerned about, you won’t lend a supportive ear, but instead, shirk it off with a dismissive shrug and a typical ‘you are overreacting’ remark- but nonetheless, I will go on!
I hope I am not interrupting your soccer match that happens everyday now because you have a team in each league from the English Premiere League to the Indian Super League and the new app for demented people like you, the Fantasy Premier League! All of it pitted against complaints of me being ‘glued too bad to the television!’ Ever considered telling your lovely mom who is stuck to her set watching runs and then reruns of ‘Simar ka sasuraal’ to decipher hidden elements that even the makers of the show might have failed to grasp? No? Then, grow a pair and be fair! At least, I am watching Hollywood Access and jumping in joy about Kaley breaking up with Ryan! That’s just good news! And no, I am not acting out of sorts here because I am PMSing! I often wonder if you learned this acronym from your sixth grade convent-going dilli-wali girlfriend and know what it stands for? Google it, “bhai”, instead of employing your search engine in your never-ending hunt for the latest porn videos (which you prefer western like the Scotch that you drink, eh?!) from Mr. X’s website!
I am writing this to you hoping that today, not being a weekend (and hence, bros time), you may actually read it. Long shot? Well… Yeah, I am referring to your weekend which for me translate into no calls, no texts, no nothing werewolf ruling for Saturdays and Sundays! But if you are still out with your buds (coz how’d I know- you don’t tell me), it might get difficult to load the whole letter. So, I will keep it short. But if the conversations around you (about who has a larger… wallet, I mean ;)) become too interesting, you will skip this letter, I know. Just the way you skip my Whatsapp messages although you are online! No, my letter’s not all proper because a “gay” friend’s helping me out with it- I inverted commas around the word because I know how much it scares you, you homophobic retard!
See, how carried away I get when I talk to you, because of your interesting nutty personality of course! Coming back to the point, I hope that you remember we had a fight last weekend over why I cannot become best friends with your best friend’s girlfriend, so that you and your best friend can hang out more often! Phew! I wonder why you strain your pea-sized brains so much, you bum! Well, I still feel strongly about my argument and intend to stick my guns (coz you don’t make my life’s decisions for me- especially those that concern friendships) which, of course, you viewed as a heart-wrenching ‘Nirupa Roy’ scream of ‘Nahiiiiiiii’ and more ‘overreacting.’ Guess what? I will just say that’s my normal and you may choose to deal with it or let it be. And, just so you know, there is no chance that I will make up this time round! I know about your “ladki bus ki tarah hoti hai joke”. Yes, I never found it funny! But if it is a philosophy that guides you, so be it! I am only letting you to let you know that once ‘tumhari utar jaye’ do not leave me 140 missed calls, 201 whatsapp texts or tag me in obnoxious “miss you janu” “I am sorry, my pari” posts!!! Also, if I see any shayari on my wall or sappy Youtube songs posted on my wall… I will find you and KILL you! So, if you will, skip all these rehearsed steps of a fake break up and jump to step 6 in week 2: calling up the ex you are still in touch with (yes, I knew it all along). Let her have you (God save her soul) coz I am not interested in your second-hand jawaani anymore!
Would-be ex-girlfriends! 😉
Featured image source: exboyfriendrecovery