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11 Tips That Will Turn Your Marriage Around 360° And Save It From Divorce

Last week, I was at a party – the kind where booze and mouths overflowed. In the midst of all the drunken revelry, I heard a divorced man spill the most outrageous filth known to mankind, as all the ‘good’ reasons he’s finally saved himself from that ‘bitch’ who had the audacity to tell him she didn’t want to be with him anymore because she felt it just isn’t working – and after, twelve years of marriage!!

Just like the other spectators of the show, I had passed my verdict (yeah, we humans are so guilty of judgment!), albeit taking care to mention that I thought his inebriated state worsened it, until I found him by the parking lot, alone, lighting a cigarette. I was going to get into my car and drive away when he said, “So, you were in there, huh?” Unsure whether to reply or look away, I gave him a slow, hesitant nod that made me a tad bit uncomfortable. He let out a low, gruntled chuckle. I started to turn my key in the door when he spoke again. “I didn’t want her to leave,” he said, from behind the smoke. “I had been pushing her away for no good reason and one day, she decided to leave,” he continued. “‘A marriage shouldn’t be this hard. We are having to compromise too much,’ she had said.”

man holding a ring

Image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License

And for the first time that night, I saw the frantic, desperate man beneath this calm, composed exterior of a man who wished to dissipate his loss into smoke. Yet, I realized that the memories continued to rise Phoenix-like from the fumes, re-enter his system, and cause multiple feelings to explode at different times. Sometimes of longing, sometimes of anger, and sometimes of grief! Misdirected or not, justified or not – he inhaled and exhaled them – continuing his existence after a ‘marriage’ he really wanted, fell apart!

Later that night, I lay in my bed, tossing and turning, unable to get it out of my head. How to save a marriage on the brink of divorce, I wondered. And I woke up, pounced on my laptop and typed in the words in my browser – How to save your marriage. In a split second, popped thousands of experts claiming guaranteed methods to save your marriage from divorce. For the next three hours, I pored into pages after pages of ‘expert’ advice on how to save your marriage from divorce. And boy, was I disappointed! From the antiquated and run-of-the-mill advice like reassurance, effecting change, and telling them that you love them, to outrageous advice dubbed as ‘unconventional,’ cyberspace was stinking with such muck-and-grime-advice for saving your marriage that I had to open a new word document and type away some REAL advice that can turn around a crumbling marriage.

Suggested read: Marriage advice that has stood the test of time

Listed below are some 360° tips on how to save your marriage from divorce. Well, 360° coz they’d really turn the situation around and are unlike any of the riff-raff advice you find splattered everywhere. Take a look:

1. Quit asking the wrong questions


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The problem with crumbling citadels of once-happy marriages is that the partners end up analyzing the ‘wrong’ facet of the situation. Instead of asking themselves self-assessing questions that can actualize a process of self-awareness, unravel one’s own ‘half’ share in things going downhill, and help prepare a concrete plan for effecting some tangible change, they are asking counter-productive questions like ‘What did I do wrong?’ or ‘Why is she never satisfied with the effort I put in?’ What happens in such cases is that you lose sight of your aim, end up diverting the whole onus on either fate or your partner, and flare up a vicious blame game that can only widen the rift betwixt you two. Relationship expert Mort Fertel says,

“Many people wonder, ‘Did I marry the right person?’ But that’s the wrong question. The key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found. Love is not a mystery. Just as there are physical laws of the universe — like gravity, which governs flight — there are also relationship laws that, depending on your behavior, dictate the outcome of your marriage. You don’t have to be ‘lucky in love.’ It’s not luck; it’s choice.”

Therefore, do not lose sight of your vision – you want this marriage. So, CHOOSE it.

2. Do not talk about it to each other

couple disagreement (11)

Image source: Shutterstock

Yep, you read that right. Whatever happens, do not talk about the ‘problems’ to each other. Your introspection step, outlined above, is solely for your benefit only. And shall be instrumental in saving your marriage too (but more on that later). Right now, remember that any attempts to talk it out, resolve the ‘issues,’ reassure him/her that ‘you have changed, shall be more social, shall try active dating and scheduling sex or even make a conscious attempt to like his friends and family’ is only going to push them further away. So would repeated confessions of love or a reasoning out of sorts to convince them to change their mind! As Fertel says,

“Talking about the problems in a marriage doesn’t resolve them; it makes them worse. It leads to arguments and bad will. Besides, you’ll never talk yourself out of a problem that you behaved yourself into. Marriages change because people change. Say little; do much. Speak in the vocabulary of your actions. New choices resolve marital problems; discussions don’t.”

3. Do not confide in friends and family either

woman consoling friend

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Yep, you read this one right. So, it is breaking your heart and ripping you apart. So it is causing you a pain that weighs you down, filling your insides with lead and causing your eyes to freeze over like a winter puddle, deprived of warmth and all cried out. But you still can’t make it visible and you can, in no way, share it with family and friends. If you cannot help but break down, remember to keep it about your feelings without any tinge of an accusatory tone or playing the victim. A marriage is a partnership and each partner is responsible for the fallout. As Fertel would say,

“One of the most important values in a marriage is privacy; therefore, it’s a mistake to talk about your marriage or your spouse to family or friends. It’s a violation of your spouse’s privacy and it’s wrong.”

Suggested read: 7 essential tips on how to make him desire you

4. Ignore the experts

couple talking to a therapist

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Yep, you read this one right too. Marriage counseling does not work. At least in most cases. In fact, the success rate is dismal. And this is because the therapy involves putting it all on the table – a step we told you in point 2 to avoid! After all, how will talking about the discrepancy in efforts put into disciplining your child digressing into the time he called you a bitch and how you can’t ever forget it, help when you know that what he’d advance next is the time you fought with his mom and ruined Christmas! There’s no zinging anyone back and it never ends. Do not do it. It is all about talking and talking and talking without any practically applicable step that can reconcile you two! Save the time, effort, and the MONEY, honey!

5. Use the revised E=mc² equation for saving your sinking ship


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Yes, science! Not really the energy equation in that sense – but kind of my personal best. Think I can make it for Nobel prize? 😉 Okay, okay, I thought I could bring a li’l smile with that when what we have at hand is painful – but nonetheless! E= energy, that shall re-energize a marriage that’s breathing its last and is on life support system. How this IV line serves to energize the marriage is by making the ‘m’ (momentum of the stagnant marriage) change in proportion to the ‘c’ (changes that you bring about in yourself and consequently, into your equation with each other. Fertel concurs,

“Say little; do much. Speak in the vocabulary of your actions. New choices resolve marital problems; discussions don’t.”

6. Remember – taking a break can break it


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In this case, I might as well go murder the person who said ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder.’ Oh, he’s dead anyway! But yeah, this might be true in certain cases but definitely isn’t valid for a cracking marriage. If your marriage ship is drowning, the anchor that can keep it on the surface until you pop those floatation tubes out to jump with your partner alongside you, is to be fully PRESENT in the PRESENT for the future you want. And believe you me, that is the best present you could give to the situation! Taking a break isn’t the answer.

7. Use the disorientation technique

couple talking

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Disorient him/her with praise! Especially if there had been things that had constantly made him/her feel unappreciated in a certain realm, charge ahead and replace the ingrained knee-jerk, defensive reactions with a soft smile. Put a positive spin on earlier issues or simply bring in a shower of compliments. Unexpected and surprisingly sweet, this would (in howsoever li’l way) rub the soothing ointment on the sore spot.

8. Divert your focus to the positive

A sensory flashback or reviving old memories or just an acknowledgement and appreciation of everything that your partner does and means to you can work wonders! Do it!!

Suggested read: Things you MUST do at the start of a relationship

9. Spend some solo effort to save the joint treasure

couple holding hands

Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License

The person who has decided to call it quits is never going to work to save the marriage. So, if you think that you aren’t capable of making it work alone, you have surrendered before the battle even began. This is jujitsu – and you can make it work. ALONE. All you need to do is introspect, find out the ‘half’ you messed up, and fix it, albeit in non-obvious ways. Never make it known that you are fixing it because of the situation. That lends no credibility to the reformation and instead, sends out a bold and clear warning of the possibility of you relapsing into your old patterns once the partner changes his/her mind. Fertel says,

“Most people think, ‘I need my spouse to work with me to fix our marriage.’ But it does not take two to tango. One person’s effort can change the momentum of a marriage, and very often, it’s that effort that motivates the obstinate spouse to join in the process of saving the relationship.”

10. Become the best possible version of YOU

woman smiling

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Give him/her a breather to think things through, see the change, and if possible, join in on the process of ‘making it work.’ Meanwhile, work on yourself – look better, be better, feel better – live it up! Do not come across as ‘I-don’t-give-a-damn’ schmuck but let him/her see that you are willing to work on the ME-component of a potential-WE.

11. Choose your partner in marriage, again

couple looking at each other

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The last thing you want to do is threaten, coerce or manipulate your spouse into changing their mind. But reminding them that you’d ‘chose’ to be with them for a lifetime and letting them know that even now, you’d ‘choose’ them in marriage – is a gesture that cannot help but remind them of your love and the vows you made to each other. They can, then, make their ‘choice.’ And in all probability, it’d be YOU!

And that’s all YOU have do to in response to the question, how to save your marriage from divorce. Much of the advice you get about your marital problems is wrong. It sounds right, makes perfect sense but does not work. Reconciling a broken marriage is tricky business, and the process isn’t all intuitive. So, be careful about the advice you choose, to achieve the outcome you desire!

Coz just like life, marriage too is a journey, whose arrival isn’t guaranteed. You can only ‘choose’ to have a lifelong companion with whom you can endure the bumpy roads and rev up on the highways!

Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License

Article Name
11 Timeless Tips On How To Save Your Marriage
Saving your marriage does not necessarily mean doing a lot of boring things. It can actually be fun and engaging!
Sejal Parikh

Sejal Parikh

"I'm a hurricane of words but YOU can choose the damage I do to you..."