It had almost been two weeks since I last heard from her. I wasn’t worried but was a little terrified. This had been the longest she had disconnected herself from me. I should have simply carried on with my life. I should have, but, I didn’t. I called her numerous times, left her a dozen messages and also showed up at her apartment. Every effort gone in vain, more like, in the drain.
I promised myself I wouldn’t go after her anymore. Instead, I was now typing another concerned message to her.
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Hey, I’m guessing it’s one of your moods that leads you to hide in your shell, but I just wanted to let you know, I’m here when you need me. So call me when you read this.
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These sort of instances were common in our so called relationship. She would hardly return my calls. There were no long conversations, and cuddling after sex was strictly off limits! She never questioned me, and I thoroughly enjoyed the thrill of pursuing her despite her not reciprocating the way a regular girl would.
A few months back, I was waiting in the lobby of a dental clinic. Utterly bored of reading the “health magazines” that lay on the side tables, waiting for my turn to lie on that chair and get my mouth drilled, sorry, filled! I was getting restless and kept inquiring with the girl at the reception about my turn. I had been waiting for almost twenty minutes by then. As soon as I got back to my seat, I saw a girl walk in. She was wearing stark white sneakers and light blue jeans. Her hair so curly and long, one could drop a pencil and never find it again. She had the most beautiful eyes that reflected some sort of a light. She came and sat right next to me. We nodded at each other and she began tapping her feet anxiously.
A week later, we were at the movies together and hung out often after that night. She was different than most other girls I had been with. She often said she liked to hang out with me, and that’s that. So we did a lot of fun things together, watched plays, went for brunch on Sundays, and also took salsa dance classes. Soon, I got a little more involved than I should have and wanted to take things to the next level. But to her, there was no next level. She had been clear about her intentions, and while she agreed that she had liked me, she wasn’t ready to give herself emotionally to our so called “relationship.” She didn’t budge from her conscious decision for months. For her, I was the guy she felt most comfortable with, I made her laugh, and that’s all she wanted. I guess that’s how we were meant to be.
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She was one of those emotionally unavailable women, someone who just needed another human being to fulfill her wants that arise out of human nature, yet someone who wouldn’t connect with her on an emotional level. We never discussed anything serious, although I tried from time to time.
She had made her emotional unavailability clear to me from the start, so this wasn’t really a trap for me. I should have known better, and I learnt that over the next few months. Nonetheless, I pursued her. It was quite hard in the beginning. Often, I was left hurting and questioned myself as to why I was putting myself through this gruesome time. I wanted more from her, and all I had was her telling me she couldn’t. She couldn’t, and she wouldn’t.
But here’s why I never gave up and continued dating her despite her telling me about her emotional unavailability.
1. The chase continued
Yes, it did, because she never fully gave herself to the relationship. For several months, I had to chase her and I think I enjoyed it. I kept thinking I was in “love.” The need to constantly impress her kept me on my feet, and I loved the fact that the relationship felt new for a very long time. It’s that first time for everything sort of a feeling. It gets you going and keeps that spark alive.
2. The fun things were the highlights
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She never insisted on cuddling and holding hands. She had other things on her mind. We did something new every other weekend. She introduced me to the world of dancing, trekking, books, and also bungee jumping! I had never felt so free in my life before. Her spontaneous approach to life made me fall in love with her even more. She believed in living in the moment and never backed off from an opportunity to do something new and different.
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3. Increased admiration for women in general
I assumed women were delicate and weak (owing to my previous relationships). Just like most men, I often dismissed them as inferior beings. But after getting to know her, I saw women in a different light. She taught me that women can be strong willed too, for she hadn’t simply fallen for me and she knew very well what she wanted from life. She wasn’t another clueless chick! If she had decided against something, she held her ground, no matter what.
4. There was nothing clinging
Due to her own emotional unavailability, she wasn’t the clingy type. She never accompanied me to every single bar, neither did she insist on meeting every one of my friends. She never overstayed her welcome, and was always out and about even in our relationship.
5. I enjoyed my space and time
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If there was anything better than the sex, it was this. My freedom to my space and time. She never compelled me or stopped me from doing anything I liked because she acknowledged my space. She never overstepped that line, and that is one of the few things that men really like in a relationship. A woman letting him be himself.
6. The lack of intimacy made it exciting
Sure, I would have loved if we had to be intimate and attached like regular lovers. But the lack of it made sex seem so wild and desirable.
7. No frills attached
She didn’t expect me to wait for her at a restaurant with a bunch of roses or send her heart smileys while texting. She didn’t care for those things. Hence, our relationship was free of drama and fuss! Frankly, sometimes it’s too much what women expect from their boyfriends, and this was a breath of fresh air, her not wanting me to do the typical boyfriend things.
8. Decision making is simpler
An emotionally unavailable woman is never going to question your decisions. She understands, she will let you take the lead. If she doesn’t agree with you, she either walks out or keeps mum about it. Moreover, I didn’t have to seek her approval for the tiny decisions I wanted to take in my life.
9. No pressures
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When you live in a judgmental society, you are often pressurized into doing things you don’t like. My previous girlfriend wanted to meet my parents after only three months of us seeing each other. She insisted on taking short vacations with me and doing things that every couple does! It wasn’t the same with this girl. I never felt pressurized to do anything I was uncomfortable with.
10. Her ability to detach got me attached
This may sound absurd, but the more she ran away from me, I felt even more attracted to her. Over time, she taught me a lot of things which only increased my fondness for her. She would disconnect herself from me for days at a stretch, and those days often felt void. But it was this very thing that taught me that she didn’t really need a man to complete her, she was okay on her own. That drew me closer to her.
Our relationship continued on the same note for about two years, and she saw that I wasn’t gonna give up on her. I guess, somewhere, something changed in her mind, and at the end of our second year of being together, she said she wanted to be with me forever.
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The following year, we got married. We’ve been married for five years now, and I cannot explain in words how I feel about her every single day. During the course of our time spent together, I realized why she had distanced herself from me. She had dated a few guys before me, and things hadn’t ended well. She was hurting from within and the only way for her to recuperate was to shield herself from any more emotional drama. I respected that but didn’t give up.
The end result was sweet and here we are today, hopelessly in love with each other and I can proudly say that I’ve never felt so strongly connected to another person all my life. She is my all.
From the diary of a man who dated an emotionally unavailable girl.
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