Hi there, women with painless periods!
I’m somehow having a feeling like I am shouting into a void because hey! You don’t exist right? You are more fictitious than Santa Claus, tooth fairy or good boyfriends, amirite or amirite?! I believe Salman Khan when he says he is a virgin. But this? No way, my friend!
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Anyway, hoping that there is someone on the other end (you bet!), I am penning this letter to tell you how we (Cannot-be-PRODUCTIVE-coz-it’s-that-week-of-the-month) women (suck it up, you Capitalist *ssh*les!!) have to say to you about that superpower you seem to have been born with, unless you are lying! (Of course you are! You still have time. Tell us you are faking that sh*t!). Not pleading guilty? Okay then!
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
Now here’s why we see you with such suspicion (and more outstandingly, spite, but let’s take it one at a time, okay bra?!). So I am certain you have heard of “Wrecking Ball,” right? Now that’s what a ‘real period’ feels like! It comes in like a wrecking ball; gives you cramps until you crawl; OMG it screws it all; All it ever does is wreck us in the V! Can’t relate? F*ck you! Ok. Ok.
*Takes a few deep breaths*
Let’s try this again.
So here’s a little story. When I was in school, a little something happened in my stomach when I was writing an exam. Ignoring it I continued writing my paper, because c’mon I had had it worse (I secretly thought I had magically ‘become’ the likes of you!). Only later when I had to be admitted to the local hospital did I realize that my appendix had ruptured! My hysterical teacher asked me why I hadn’t complained, and I smirked and told him, “I have cramps every month, which are worse!” He gave me a 101 on 100. Now this is a superwoman story, completely based on facts and NOT FICTIONAL! You get me?
Arggghhh! Okay, let’s take it up one final time!
Image source: Shutterstock
From the top! Umm, from deep below actually!
Now since you have no clue what a cramp is (cramps actually, coz they always come in a group since it’s a bloody party! Literal much?!), let me throw some light on the issue! Imagine someone carrying out a knife attack you on your stomach. Now replace the knife with a spear. Think big. Think Sparta. Next, shift focus on the boobs. Sore. Sorer. Sorest. Now your panties. They surely look like a murder scene from Criminal Case (that is if you do bleed. Do you actually bleed?). Still don’t hurt? Woman, you are draining the f*cking lining of your internal reproductive organ, for Christ’s sake! And yet you say today feels like just another day? Yeah, so convincing!
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So you are asking me not to ovary-react during my periods? I can’t even use the Rachel line on you, “No Uterus. No opinion!” And that’s so vexing!
But the PMSing part happens, right? What, no? Wh-a-a-a-t?! No gas, no mood swings, no wanting to murder the boyfriend, no “thank God my partner’s not a vampire” kinda lame jokes happen to you?! That’s just not fair!
But you know what, let me tell you this, woman (!) you are the loser here because you have no idea how it feels to have a ‘real period.’ The pain’s like
- The one during diarrhea (X100) but it is more constant. Blissful!
- Someone’s grappling at your nards and trying to crush the hell out of them after filling them with 8 pounds of water! How cute!
- Someone’s drilling holes into your spine!
- The Beatles trying to turn you into a walrus that is stuffed, tubby, shiny-faced and wants to just roll all day!
- A b*tch that gives you a general ick-ness. Nothing more nothing less. Just that urge to maybe murder someone!
And you know what, that pain’s still sufferable but you women, an agonizing pain in the *ss!
Period. (Oops!) 😛
Featured image source: Shutterstock