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Dear Commitment-phobic Women, You Are Not Alone

I have always known that I was different. Of course, I have always had trouble deciding if that difference was for better or worse, but there is something about me that doesn’t feel normal.

I see plenty of women around me planning their weddings and their life after; detailing how they would like to get settled, and I realize I am nothing like them. I look at myself and see a commitment phobic woman who has no plans of settling down any time soon. Since this realization, I have asked myself if it was a sin to be scared of commitment and I have eventually come to the conclusion that being different could actually be a virtue!

Suggested read: Top 8 reasons why men have historically spurned commitment

Women and commitment: The perception

woman thinking (14)

Image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License

Call it the unnatural love for all things mushy, the ability to fall in love with something in the blink of an eye, the need to have that fancy ball gown wedding or whatever other stereotype suits your fancy, and you’ll see that most people believe that women crave commitment in their lives. Half of my girlfriends are settled in life with a cute kid and family, while the other half are growing strong and stable careers—and dating someone with equally ambitious career goals. This leaves me, the odd one in the group, who has struggled to find a stable partner or career compatible with my extreme case of commitment phobia.

Perhaps it stems from an innate character trait or the way I was raised, but I just can’t get myself to commit to someone so easily. It takes years to build the kind of trust where I can see myself with someone for the rest of my life. I always have a lingering fear that I will regret making a lifetime promise by exchanging the sacred vows with someone, no matter how special they are to me. Yes, I have been in my fair share of relationships, but they have never lasted because I will usually walk out on men when things get serious—even if they don’t deserve to be left.

So, why do I live life this way? Is something wrong with me?

woman thinking (12)

Image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License

I may never know the answers to these questions, but I can make the best of my situation moving forward. After taking a hard look in the mirror, I have realized that I don’t need to visit a counselor to get tips on relationship advice for women. I have come to terms with my nature and I can now embrace it moving forward.

In a sense, I have come to enjoy that my lifestyle breaks the perception that all that a woman really needs is a great guy, a fancy wedding, and a bunch of kids to have a perfect life. I like that my dreams don’t match with the stereotypes. I am not looking to settle anytime soon because I am confident in my ability to live a fulfilling, independent life. In a way, I am dating myself, and at the risk of being a narcissist, that relationship is more healthy and committed than any other relationship that I’ve been in. I have fallen for my own flaws and I have embraced them. I am committed to myself, and that is okay.

Suggested read: 10 truths about dating an extroverted introvert

The signs of a commitment phobe

For a long time, I couldn’t quite understand what was different about me. I was in a relationship and everything looked great, until one day, I woke up and lost interest. I felt claustrophobic in my partner’s presence and the promises of ‘forever’ just didn’t feel right anymore. When I imagined my tomorrow, it was not with him in the picture. I saw myself sitting on a mountain top with my favorite red notebook in hand, freely jotting down my thoughts without needing to worry about what anyone else thought.

woman thinking

Image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License

I didn’t want to settle down and I slowly realized that was okay; I am not meant to be chained down. I realized it isn’t wrong to refrain from committing, but it is wrong to mislead someone. I dressed up, took a deep breath and called him for a coffee chat. I told him about how my dreams and ambitions didn’t quite match up with what we had together. I told him about how I felt like a free bird that relished the solitude that came with freedom. After he left without saying much, I felt small and insecure, but that feeling eventually passed. When I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I realized that life is a personal journey that doesn’t necessarily have to be traveled with someone else.

The most striking sign of commitment-phobic women is that they are happy with their individuality. Yes, eventually, we will often settle with someone, but not because we have to. We only settle only if we want to. Being a commitment phobe doesn’t mean that you can never marry; it means that you may marry, but it is not something that defines your very existence. Having a happy marriage as a commitment phobe comes down to meeting a guy who recognizes and accepts your personality, in doing so helping you to embrace it yourself.

I have met people who detest dating a commitment phobe because they believe that doing so is only going to break their heart eventually. I couldn’t disagree more. I have been in a few brief relationships and I am of the opinion that it can be exhilarating to be with someone who doesn’t always dwell on the future. Commitment-phobic women believe in living in the now, and it is possible to build satisfying relationships in the present without constantly worrying about the future. We are not against the whole concept of being in a relationship, but we do not want you to chain us with promises of an everlasting tomorrow. If you can stick with us for the present, we can live our lives one day at a time. Who knows, the days may keep adding up and your dream of a lifetime together may actually come true.

Is there a way out?

woman happy

Image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License

As I shared my story with some of my closest friends, I remember one of them asking if there is a way out. I looked in her eyes and saw that she was scared of being labeled as a commitment phobe. She wanted to belong, and I realized that for many of us being commitment phobic is not a choice. It just happens.

To all such women, you need to leave yourself open to love, while also staying true to your strong, independent self. Love, and love alone, can get you committed. I am commitment phobic and I don’t want to settle down; but deep down in my heart I know that I will find someone for me. When I meet that person who will complement me instead of completing me, I will settle down.

It is all about spotting that one man who makes us believe that marriage isn’t as scary as it looks to be, that there is a possibility to spend your life with another person without sacrificing your individuality. When you find all of this, you won’t need to change who you are. It will feel so natural, that before you know it, you will be up on the altar exchanging vows that will seal the two of you together in a lifelong bond.

woman thinking

Image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License

There is no hard and rigid rulebook that defines what commitment-phobic women are, and that is how it should be. As I have said before, you may find someone who sees you for who you are, in which case, you can live a happy life together without feeling suffocated. If not, you can still be happy living a life with more independence.

Suggested read: 10 compelling reasons why you never get over the love of your life

At the end of the day, if you identify with my story or see many of these qualities in yourself, that is completely OKAY. You are not alone. Embrace your independent, easy-going personality, and if it’s meant to be, you just might find love where you least expect it.

With love,

The heartbreaker!

Featured image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License

Article Name
Dear Commitment-phobic Women, You Are Not Alone
I am one amongst many commitment-phobic women, and I don't have to feel ashamed of it. I live my life on my terms, nobody else's.
Shruti Fatehpuria

Shruti Fatehpuria

I am a misfit software engineer who left her work in the corporate world to pursue the insatiable quest to write. A freelance worker by the day, I choose to dream with eyes open wide. I have conversations with myself where I talk of the possibilities that life can hold. Too many wishes made on empty starless nights ensure that there are various dreams yet to be lived. I am working my way as I am on a quest to find myself. The greatest journeys are indeed the ones that lie within. I am yet to live my story because right now, the book is full of too many apostrophes and too many commas. The words are jumbled until the right one fits the puzzle. I don't believe in perfection because too many times, it is imperfection which paints the perfect story. I am verbose and I aim at living life in full swing until a speed breaker curbs the tantalizing pace with which I wish to conquer the dreams that would otherwise be too big for the not-so-tiny shoes I wear. Blessed with a lot of chubby fat, I love going the extra mile to conquer my extra dreams with an extra advice after all, we all love a little extra. A die-hard shopaholic, you can often find me laughing on serious stuff inappropriately at wrong times (unintentionally).