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12 Definite Tips On How To Recognize Unavailable Men To Avoid Heartache

Do you seem to fall for the ones who are unavailable? You’re not the only one. Read on to find out how to recognize if the men you’re eyeing are available or not.

Men can be unavailable either literally, by having a partner or a significant other, or emotionally, which, sometimes, is worse than the former. Being on your guard by recognizing the signs of his unavailability will give you much less grief in the long run, than going through heartache. I don’t know what’s worse – being in a relationship where you do all the giving with nothing in return, or unrequited love.

Suggested read: 9 unmistakable signs you’re in a love-hate relationship

You’d do well to be safe than sorry, in that being on the lookout for signs that you might be delving into dangerous waters. Let’s take a look at some of the telltale signs of unavailable men that tell you if it’s even worth it in the long run.

1. He has a significant other/wife


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Men who are already taken are completely off limits. Or at least they should be. However, for whatever reason, if you find yourself in a relationship with such an unavailable man, then you need to ask yourself this one question: If he’s willing to cheat on his current partner with you, what’s to say he won’t do the same with you? He has made a commitment to that woman in his life, despite which he’s carrying on with you. What does that say about him?

Whatever excuse – legit or otherwise – he might have for dating you while in a relationship already, you have to ask yourself if you really want someone like that in your life. Even if he breaks it off with them and becomes exclusive with you, how will you ever put your mind at ease about trusting him? Can you do it? Ask yourself this question, and you’ll know the answer to that.

2. He has separated from his partner/wife recently

If he’s just gone through a separation, then he might not be in the right frame of mind to make long term decisions. This is true for anyone, regardless of their gender. Diving into another relationship headfirst, isn’t the answer to whatever he’s dealing with at the moment. He’s bound to be experiencing some pretty strong emotions too. He may not be thinking all too clearly. So if you meet such a man who has just gotten out of a serious relationship, it’s better to revisit it at a later date, after he’s had a chance to heal his bruised heart and ego. If it’s really worth pursuing it, he’ll be around after he’s in a good place – emotionally and mentally.

3. He’s in a different city/state/country/continent than you

long distance relationship_New_Love_Times

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Long distance relationships are harder than regular relationships. Most people who are in long distance relationships work at it because they know that it won’t be forever, that there is a certain, definitive end to all the agony they suffer through. Although you’re apart now, you’ll soon be together, and that everything will be happy and wonderful. However, if your man doesn’t care that it no longer bothers him that you two are so far away from each other, and perhaps even happy that to keep things as is, then you should probably think hard on what you want.

4. His best friend is a woman, with whom he shares pretty much everything

couple in love_New_Love_Times

Image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License

Of course it’s possible for men and women to be friends. However, it’s a bit disconcerting if there’s this one female friend who seems to be a constant when ‘friends’ hang out, laughing at inside jokes with your man, giving him pet names, planning trips/treks with her, and so on. There really might not be anything between the two besides friendship.

But, if he gets defensive when you suggest he spend a little less time in her company, then the friendship might not be as platonic as he seems to think. Perhaps there is some unresolved issues between the two. Perhaps he thinks you’re being unreasonable. Perhaps he thinks you’re asking for too much. So he’s clearly not ready to put your needs first. It makes you wonder if he’s ever going to put them first, no?

5. He’s hung up on his ex – still

The past shapes us into who we are in the present. And it’s absolutely natural to want to share stories, anecdotes about your past relationships with your current partner. Also, it’s okay for your exes to crop up from time to time. There might even be a chance of you bumping into them unexpectedly. However, if your man seems to talk nonstop about his ex – positively or negatively – months or even years after the breakup, then he’s clearly not over her, and he has a lot to work through before he’s ready for another relationship. Trust me, you do not want to be stuck with someone like that.

Suggested read: Why using sex as a weapon in relationships is a BAD idea

6. His relationship with his mother makes you uncomfortable

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If a man loves and respects his mum, then he’s a real gentleman, and it makes him all the more attractive. However, if he’s a mama’s boy, then you might have to think it through before going further. If he still lives with his mother, gets his favorite meals cooked, calls her for advice on anything from professional crisis to a personal one, gets his laundry done by her, then you might want to rethink your relationship with him.

You don’t want to have to live a life where his mother plays third fiddle to your relationship. If he’s so reliant on her and her ‘words of wisdom’ for every little matter, then chances are she’s not going to approve of you. And since his mother is the go-to person in his life, he might not even stand up to her when she’s being rude or inappropriate with you. More often than not, he might even take her side against yours.

Do you really want to be stuck in a relationship with such a man?

7. He’s a ghost – you can hardly get a hold of him

Whether you text or call or email, he’s too hard to get hold of. He’s too vague about his whereabouts even when you do catch him on the phone. Whenever you try to make plans with him, he’s vague about his schedule, and isn’t ready to commit to anything. It’s hard to spend time with such an unavailable man.

Your time is too valuable to waste it chasing after a man who doesn’t want to be chased. Or, even if he does want you to chase after him, he’ll probably lose interest once the chase is over. Is that the kind of person you want to be involved with? In all honesty, if he really was into you and wanted to spend time with you to get to know you, then he would have made effort to get in touch, despite his super-busy schedule. So it’s time you took stock of where you’re at with this person and decide what to do.

8. He equates sex to love

couple in bed_New_Love_Times

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Many people confuse sex with love. And if your man does the same, then you have to know that he’s one of those unavailable men, who are probably afraid to love. Every time it seems like you’re making an emotional connection with him, you end up having sex, then it might even the case that he’s using sex as an avoidance technique, or as a coping mechanism. Chances are he might be doing this because he’s scared to have to think about his feelings and emotions too deeply.

However good the action between the sheets might be, if a man is incapable of showing his emotional side to you, or is using it as a crutch, then it will just be a matter of time before he realizes how hollow and empty such an existence is. But until such a time, would you put your heart on the line for him? Where it might incredibly lonely and frustrating and isolating? You have to decide if he’s worth it.

9. He’s a cold fish

If he struggles to form a connection with you, or with anyone else for that matter, then he’s probably a cold fish. He’s too detached from his emotions and feelings, he gets defensive quite easily, or shuts down when it comes time to sympathize or empathize, then he’s one solid cold fish. Just imagine your life with such a person. Would you be able to cope with having a relationship with such a cold person?

10. He shuts you out of all the important things in his life

He’s not ready for you to meet his parents and the rest of his family, despite having been together for a reasonable amount of time. Leave alone his family, his friends or even colleagues don’t even know that you exist. Every time you bring up the subject, he has an excuse ready. This is a major red flag, if there ever was one. Be wary, very very wary.

11. He’s least interested in the important things in your life

If he balks at every opportunity to meet your folks or friends by coming up with an excuse, then he simply doesn’t want to get too emotionally invested in those aspects of your life. Is he worth it?

Suggested read: 8 amazing tips on how to give space in a relationship

12. He tells you

couple disagreement_New_Love_Times

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If your man tells you clearly that he’s not looking for a relationship, then believe him. Even if he’s game for some action between the sheets, snuggling up with you, or indulging in PDA. Chances are he might just be toying with you, or worse, passing his time with you, while waiting for the next interesting woman to cross paths with him. This kind of a man wants the best of both worlds – he wants all the perks of being in a relationship, but is sure not ready to commit. However, if you’re looking for commitment and all that entails such a commitment, then it’s better to ditch him and find someone who wants the same things as you.

There are plenty of unavailable men out there. It’s up to you to recognize the signs and keep yourself safe from heartache. It’s really not worth it to go through the trouble of falling for unavailable men and then realize that they’re just not ready for what you want out of a relationship.

Featured image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License

Article Name
12 Sure Tips On How To Recognize Unavailable Men To Avoid Heartache
Stay away from unavailable men - far, far away! Here's how to recognize one and avoid a mountain of heartache!
Chaitra Ramalingegowda

Chaitra Ramalingegowda

I fell in love with storytelling long before I knew what it was. Love well written stories, writing with passion, baking lip-smacking-finger-licking chocolate cakes, engaging movies, and home-cooked food. A true work-in-progress and a believer in the idiom 'all those who wander are not lost'. Twitter: @ChaitraRlg