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25 Things Your Dog Would Say (If He Could) When You Come Home Drunk

If you have a dog for a pet, you know that he isn’t just a pet, he is your go-to person. He cheers you up on blue-sy mornings and snuggles with you on lonely nights, he loves you more than anyone else and his world shrinks into you (and the treats you bring, of course!) 😛

But there is one time when your dog abso-f*cking-lutely hates you. He hates you when you come home drunk- entering at an unearthly hour, unfit to rub his belly and cuddle up with him on the sofa, watching a random movie whilst eating something he can get mouthfuls of. In fact, he hates your drunk avatar as much as you love slamming back on vodka tonics few too many.


Image source: Sejal Parikh

Suggested read: Life lessons I learnt from my dog

So, on behalf of all the dogs who love you, here’s a rundown of every thought that you evoke when you return home, a drunk mess:

  1. Heyyy Bruno, how’s my baby doing?

I was doing great until about a moment ago but now that you’ve woken me up with your wobbly drunk entrance- not so great.

  1. *drowning him in a smother of kisses*

Uggh, I’m a dog and I smell way better than YOU now!

  1. Love mamma, baby..

I would, but judging by your smeared lipstick and missing bralette, seems like someone already has!

  1. Okay, be a good boy, come meet…..XYZ

Great, you’ve got friends along. We never spoke about this. I feel like you don’t even consider my feelings anymore!

  1. A collective AWWWWWW

Yeah, yeah, I know I’m fu*king adorable. Now remove your sweaty hands off me, you morons. I’m tired.

  1. One of your friends: ‘He’s so cute, come here, boy!’

Ugh, fine. Now that we are really getting on with it, you better give me a belly rub I will remember.

  1. *five pairs of hands on Bruno*

Okay, I won’t lie- this feels kinda warm and nice!

  1. He’s great at tricks you know. *getting the box of treats* Bruno, come, show’em. You want this, right?

I can’t believe you are going to pimp me out for treats. Alright.  Fine, one trick!

  1. *applause*

Great, I got mine and you got yours. Now am going to bed.

  1. Come here, baby! Tired, are you. Roll over and you can have another piece, a big one! *waving it over him*

Damn it, you know I can’t resist this. Fine. *rolls over*

  1. Good boy, Bruno. No, no more, or else you’ll get sick.

Judging by the amount of alcohol running in your veins now, I’d say you’ve got the better odds.

  1. *drinks and laughter until 3 am*

I bet you won’t find it funny when I press a lick-alarm against your face at 6 am in the morning.

  1. *in bed at 3:45*

Uggh, you are reeking of smoke and alcohol. And you want to cuddle!

  1. *texting ex-boyfriend* Why doesn’t he love me like you do, boy?

Because you don’t understand boundaries. That’s why, now move over- this side of the bed is mine.

  1. He isn’t replying. F*ck the as*hole, I don’t need him, I have you.

Girl you need to get laid.

  1. *crying hysterically*

Okay, now I actually feel bad. Come, let me lick those tears off your face, sweetie!

  1. Fu*k, I feel pukish!

No, not here, not in bed.

  1. *pukes*

I said not in bed. Fine, I will just go and sleep by the bean bag now.

  1. *5:30 am and still puking*

Yeah, I can see that and worse, I can smell that- but you deserve it!

  1. *falls asleep finally*

Good night, girl. Wake up soon.

  1. *6 am*

Wake up, it’s time to go for a walk!

  1. Baby, mamma can’t take you out today, mamma’s dying.

Now who’s fault is that, huh?

  1. Leave me alone, Bruno.

No, you and your drunk gang wouldn’t leave me alone last night and there’s no way I’m doing it now.

  1. Why are you barking at 6 in the morning?

Because it’s time for a morning walk or else I’d turn it into piss on the carpet o’ clock!

  1. Arrgh, fine. Let me get into my PJs and we’ll go.

I love you, crazy b*tch!

Featured image source: Sejal Parikh

Article Name
25 Things Your Dog Would Say (If He Could) When You Come Home Drunk
Because this is the ONE time that your dog hates you!
Sejal Parikh

Sejal Parikh

"I'm a hurricane of words but YOU can choose the damage I do to you..."