Family: “So your left leg is in Christmas and right leg in Thanksgiving,
Can I visit you between the holidays?”
I: “I am going to tell you what I will do first. I will slice you…
A delicious piece of this Thanksgiving turkey!”
Suggested read: Why is Thanksgiving celebrated – past and present
Like most families nowadays, Thanksgiving has probably become ‘just another holiday’ with lots of turkey and wine! It’s a feast where you meet members of your family that you had never seen before, not even in pictures. You suddenly need to be thankful for them, but you don’t always know why! Well, you are not the only one in this boat, buddy!
Here are a few Thanksgiving quotes that will assure you that some people have had it worse. They will show you that you should actually be thankful for not having to go through such goof-ups, which in turn makes your gratitude a little more special.
1. “I bring my greetings to you, attired in all my best. For on Thanksgiving Day of course, a turkey should be dressed!” – Anonymous
This quote is from the ‘pardoned’ turkey who sacrifices his life so that you have a good time on this weird festival of yours! Yes, he cannot disguise himself as a chicken nor can he move around with a placard that says, “Eat beef!” Well, thank you, dear bird.
2. “My cooking is so bad, my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor!” – Phyllis Diller
I can completely relate to this! When I cook, my family members think that we are commemorating some tragic historical event! Yes, it is so bad that I am thinking of placing a notice in front of my door on Thanksgiving which says, “Enter at your own risk if looking for food!”
3. “I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” – Jon Stewart
This couldn’t have been more apt in depicting the fact that the Pilgrims did exactly that to the native Indians. And Jon Stewart isn’t one to pull back in order to be diplomatic or politically correct.
4. “Thanksgiving just gets me all warm and tingly and all kinds of wonderful inside.” – Willard Scott
Yes, it gets me all warm and tingly and all kinds of wonderful inside because of the food, dude! I am also known to say, “Back off. Look, I already said THANKS for GIVING me this bird. Now get your own!” Yes, I am even warm and tingly the next morning during the ‘bathroom saga’!
5. “This Thanksgiving, cherish the time spent with your family as a reminder of why you moved very far away from your family!” – Anonymous
Imagine the Westons celebrating Thanksgiving at August Osage County. Now imagine Meryl Streep’s character actually thanking Julia’s. Yes, you either have a much better family or a family as crooked as theirs, but definitely not one that is worse! Show some gratitude!
6. “Happy Thanksgiving to someone I’d have no problem stomping to death on Black Friday.”– Anonymous
This applies to my boss who does not come to the office the whole week, but decides to show up on Wednesday before Thanksgiving to make sure that no one can leave early; my colleague at work who keeps sniffing around when I am on my phone; my neighbor from three blocks away who brings his dog to pee right in front of my porch at night; my mother-in-law who gave birth to a son like that! Yeah, stomping to death would be the best thing to do this Black Friday. 😉
7. “Happy Thanksgiving. Remember, when you love what you have, you have everything you need!” – Anonymous
Hahaha! Now this is one of the funny Thanksgiving quotes that cracks me up. This is the state of utopia! So let’s just say thanks for what we have, though we love them in halves or maybe even quarters at times!
Suggested read: 10 best Thanksgiving recipes you MUST try this festive season
8. “Hope you don’t mind that the side dish I’m bringing to Thanksgiving is several bottles of wine that I’m not sharing with anyone else.” – Anonymous
And you were speaking of ‘sharing is caring’? Well, if you leave my wine bottles alone, I will be really thankful! And that’s what Thanksgiving is all about. It is not thanks + giving. Kindly don’t break up the word!
9. “The day after Thanksgiving is the busiest day for plumbers!” – Anonymous
Now this one is not dirty humor as much as a dirty reality. If you did not call a plumber on the day after Thanksgiving, you didn’t celebrate it well enough!
10. “May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have never a lump. May your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” – Anonymous
This is what you must say to the girls, the last part especially. Well, we have an article on how to get thinner thighs. Just saying, you know! Worry not!
11. “Thanksgiving Day is a jewel to set in the hearts of honest men, but be careful that you do not take the day and leave out the gratitude.” – E.P. Powell
These quotes on Thanksgiving remind you that it is not about the day alone but the significance behind it. Being thankful for the simplest of things, knowing that someone is more deprived than you and then trying to give him or her a share from your bucket of happiness. Isn’t that what life is all about?!
12. “Here I am at 5 o’clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird’s butt…” – Roseanne Barr
I do not normally put bread cubes in the rear cavity of a large bird, but when I do, I do it on Thanksgiving! Like a boss. That stuffing up the rear is quite a pain in your own, I tell you! And your fingers at times get stuck inside and you are jiggling them fast to get the turkey out of there! Remember, Monica wearing the turkey as a helmet, adorning it with a sunglass and trying to impress Chandler? That was the best Thanksgiving ‘reel’ dinner till date!
13. “Just think… if the Indians had given the pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we’d all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving.” – Anonymous
God, save my ‘ass’! It is symbolic, isn’t it?! At the end of the day, we would be thankful for that too, wouldn’t we?
14. “The meal is not over when I am full. The meal is over when I hate myself.” – Anonymous
While in the morning, it is about stuffing the turkey’s rear, in the afternoon, it is about stuffing yourself with the turkey and all the accompaniments! When you cannot get up from your seat anymore but still have to go to the bathroom, you kind of have to hate yourself!
Suggested read: 12 things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving
15. “Thanksgiving, bringing out the best on family dysfunctions since 1863.” – Anonymous
Bringing out the best and the beast, I would say. Yet, family is family (especially, on Thanksgiving). If people have survived them since 1863, we can survive yet another lifetime of Turkey Days spent with them.
I hope these funny Thanksgiving quotes not only tickled your funny bone but also helped you become more thankful about your family, circle of friends, and other loved ones! If you have funny Thanksgiving anecdotes to share or some disasters that happened during the festive season, let us know in the comment section below. Spread the ‘loaf’.