All the *ssh*les who say that birthdays are overhyped, can just goeth and f*cketh themselves! Coz it’s your b’day and you aren’t going to leave any stone unturned, right?!
After an entire year of virtual abandonment and social anonymity, this is the day that you are blitzed with a hailstorm of attention and dearth of financial expenses which is welcome AF! All those quasi non birthday people x-raying this piece on their WiFi have also secretly wished for these on their birthday. Because it is totally normal to want normal things! 😉
Image source: mirror
Suggested read: The types of mothers-in-law everyone has…
So, for women like me who abso-f*cking-lutely love their birthdays, here’s a li’l birthday treat from me- kinda like the treat(s/ment) I expect on my birthday…
- 12 am phone calls aren’t overrated at all! And pretending to have slept off is right up your street!
- The phone calls should be PLENTY, so that the ex is on hold for a good 30 minutes!
- So, mainly, the ex-bf calls and stays on hold!
- A volley of texts are more than welcome, given that your anxiety has been on a winning streak for the last one week!
- Getting surprised with an 8-pound red velvet cheesecake and some jazz, don’t hurt nobody!
- You haven’t forgotten Mommy and Papa dearest! A box of Iphone (with the phone inside, of course!) and the Bose speakers you’ve been drooling over would be enuf!
- And that long distance BFF could pay you a big*ss visit!
- Boss calling you and asking you to take a day off, coz can’t you see, you totally deserve it!
- Breakfast in bed because your PG aunty realised how blessed she is to have you as a tenant!
- Your not quite pledged BF knocks at your door with tulips and a bottle of champagne!
- That’s your oral fixation! And you know what’s his. You are in your birthday suit for a reason! 😉 Oral sex without expecting a comeback is super!
- Birthday calories don’t show, okay?!
- *Scarfs down everything*
- Having pics with friends smearing your face with cake (without ruining the makeup or the hairdo or the Gucci you’ve slipped on!). Looking helpless is so popular!
- An FB wall teeming with wall posts (why bother inboxing, guys?!).
- A birthday selfie with 500 likes is legit!
- All London wali masis and ‘Amrica’ wale mamas emptying whatever they’ve got on them by sending you gifts like the Mac Pro series!
- Bouquets and gifts (read: posh) from stalkers, secret fans, frenemies! Basically every Homo Sapien you have laid eyes on!
- Your crush finally schmoozes with you at the bidding of the day that you popped out of a v*g!na!
- A minimum of four* cakes per birthday sounds good. (*Conditions apply: At least one should be made-to-order with a picture of you on it!)
- Early evenings are to be spent cosily in a bathrobe, sipping on hot chocolate that your friends got you from your favorite café! Yes, they took a half day too to just hang out with ya!
- A surprise birthday party later at night? No, you are not saying!!! 😉
- A ring in your glass of wine is not clichéd at all!
- But an orchestra playing your favorite Enrique song when he finally bends that knee would make the whole shebang more official. Don’t you think? 😉
- No one else is allowed to have any kinda drama on your birthday! No new babies, engagements or weddings or even hitting the bucket until the next day, puhlease!
- Actually make it 4 coz birthdays should last at least 96 hours!
- Tequila shots!
- Birthday sex, that’s not just a song but a lifestyle!
- Points 1-28 on loop for the next three days as you deal with the withdrawal symptoms!
Basically, a regular low-key usual birthday, you know?! 😉
Featured image source: mirror