To face the reality, life isn’t a rom-com. Life is hard and relationships are much harder. We always desire for a fairytale romance, but as we grow up and come across some serious relationships, we stumble into several potholes and the number seems like infinity. If I can give you the closest example, every relationship is like a blooming flower, where even after growing fully it remains fragile and delicate. However this doesn’t mean you give up on the person you love. Because nothing in life that is great is easy. If it were easy, it wouldn’t be great.
George Sand once said, “There is only one happiness in life, to love and to be loved”. Being in a relationship is a wonderful feeling. But the daunting task is maintaining one. The level of expectations we have from each other is high. These can be for the smaller things that matter and not merely for the materialistic needs. But if the expectations remain unfulfilled, it gives birth to several difficulties that sometimes become impossible to conquer. One of them is insecurity. Although it may not just stem from expectations, being with an insecure partner can sour the beautiful bond that you have with the person you love.
Insecurity in relationships occurs when faith and trust are replaced by suspicion, incertitude and misunderstandings. Some say feeling insecure is as common as breathing. But while breathing is important for our survival, insecurity ruins the quality of a healthy relationship. Partners in committed relationship depend on each other to keep their love intact and to save each other from unexpected threats. Those who enter a relationship secure and confident are better equipped to control its flow, handle any peril cautiously and portray a unified stance of doubled strength to navigate hardships together. However some people, who enter relationships without their inner security intact, depend on other things to give definition to their current value. As a result when uncertainty challenges their partnership in some way, individual insecurities take precedence over the crisis that needs to be resolved. The ensuing instability weakens the teamwork needed to find an optimal solution to their current problem. The relationship slowly begins to crumble as it becomes easy to perceive that insecurity is the root of its demise.
To understand how to overcome insecurity in a relationship, you first need to realise the signs of insecurity that gradually emerge, either knowingly or unknowingly.
You will have a consistent fear of losing your mate. This thought will grapple your mind along with a constant anguish on disappointing him/her. This is how insecurity works. You may feel like you aren’t worth someone’s time. Thus your obsession is warranted. You will worry over whether he/she likes talking to you, spending time with you, having sex with you or is attracted to you. Without trust any relationship is doomed.
Your relationship is consumed with jealousy. You will find yourself spying on your partner, always questioning your partner’s whereabouts, or willingly flirting with someone to make your partner jealous. You will exhibit a controlling behaviour, like forcing to end certain friendships only because you are uncomfortable with them. This sneaky emotion renders negativity and ruins a perfectly happy relationship.
There will be a certain paranoia or disbelief about your partner’s activities. Questioning your partner about his whereabouts can be extremely tiring when he/she doesn’t give you any reason to be doubtful. This usually comes from the reason that you don’t like to be left alone. The silence haunts you and you always crave for company. However somethings aren’t possible realistically and this constant nagging will destroy your relationship.
The insistent hankering to check your partner’s phone is an adverse sign of insecurity. This obsession can increase to the level when you start checking your partner’s phone at midnight when he/she is asleep. The need to check social media is equally intense. Social media is a prominent relationship killer. Comparing other relationships to your own leads to self made cracks in the special bond that you share. The signs of insecurity are also apparent when you constantly check your partners call logs, messages, Facebook profile etc.
The fear of disappointing your partner is at the pinnacle when you are highly insecure in your relationship. Many people are terrified of being discounted by those who are important to them. They assume the responsibility of previous lost relationships because they think they did not measure upto them. Such losses accumulate and one becomes even more reticent to express themselves for the fear to push their present partner away. This kind of insecurity feeds upon itself and can reinforce feelings of being unlovable.
There is a tendency to avert conflicts and pull out of conversations that are slightly confrontational. This can also result from the insecurity of some past trauma, of a failed relationship and the pattern recurs again and again even in future behaviours. Confidence arises when you triumph over an argument. But not giving it a scope due to innate insecurity can distort the dimensions of a good relationship. The tendency of being susceptible to moulding yourself according to harsher circumstances to ensure being within boundaries is one of the signs.
You need a perennial reassurance that that your relationship is strong. Insecurity demands a lot of attention and consolation, ever fearful that their relationship will end. This involves consistently enquiring about your partners ex, being hyper vigilant, thinking only about outcomes, refusal to challenge anything that might lessen their partners commitment to their relationship. Any relationship goes downhill when insecurity overrides love in a relationship.
As insecurity increases, the symptoms that come with it are also triggered. Anxiety, paranoia, fear of loss, instability, inability to think and act effectively and surging dependency on your partner uproots a wonderful, heavenly partnership. However this doesn’t mean losing hope. Insecurity being the most potent saboteur of love, you should remember that you aren’t alone in this. Even the most self assured people fall short of a tinge of confidence to get through the problems that they face like being threatened with loss or abandonment. However if you feel that your relationship is too shaken by your insecure nature, here’s what you should do to strengthen your ability to win over your fears. The answer to your question on how to overcome insecurity in a relationship lies within you.
- Do not let you criticise yourself
Your insecurity often stems from that ‘critical inner voice’ that is very vocal and repeats to you how everything isn’t alright, therefore fuelling doubts. You may have internalised this due to a negative past experience. You carry it like a cruel coach inside your head only because you don’t want to sabotage the equation between you and your partner. Relationships shake us up, challenge our core feelings and evict us from our forever-lived-in comfort zone. This reopens unresolved wounds from the past, sending us back to the emotional state of a terrified child. But we have to try and catch that critical voice from creeping inside our mind. Sometimes it gets easy but sometimes it’s harder than ever. You have to pull yourself away from endlessly questioning and doubting the terms of your relationship and stop responding to your inner voice. You have to terminate its existence from infiltrating your personal love life.
- Everything is not just about you
A self-centred worldview can wreck the individual duties that you have while being in a relationship. If your partner doesn’t want to go out with you, this means he is really tired from work and nothing else. You have to stop analysing his choice of words in certain situations where he may react in a different manner out of frustration or stress. You have to stop looking out for hidden meanings behind your partner’s behaviour, posture, and attitude. Overdoing your thoughts ruins the quality of your relationship. All the times you find yourself worrying about your relationship, tell yourself- “The thing I’m worried about only exists in my head. I have full control over it”. It’s high time you take actions that go against the directives of your insecure mind.
- You have to stop lugging around with the baggage
This is another major recommendation on how to overcome insecurity in a relationship. It is not your own responsibility. You have to stop taking the burden entirely on your shoulders. Forcefully continuing with an unrequited relationship is a sign of weakened decision making capability. Love is a rocky journey and if you are unable to give up on your insecurity, it will be increasingly hard for you to cross roads with a new person with whom you might unexpectedly fall in love someday. Love is unpredictable. Learn to let go your hurtful memories and resentments and realise that your new relationship is a new opportunity to forge ahead towards a brighter future.
- You have to learn not to see things in black and white anymore
Your relationship went downhill and you are probably wondering if you are solely responsible for it. Oh no. You are extremely defensive about your viewpoints. Similarly, during a confrontation your partner gets equally defensive about himself or herself. This leads to a drag-out fight which is completely the opposite of anything productive that comes out of your relationship. Learn to approach, and approach slow. If there is an argument, resolve the matter with compassion and understanding, instead of pointing fingers at each other. All relationships are built on the foundation of faith and trust. Learn to believe your partner rather than doubting him/her always. Similarly stop steering each others personal space and things.
- Controlling your paranoia to control your insecurity
Ufcourse it is easier said than done. But you have to stop your anxiety from precipitating some disastrous results. Accept the fact that we all have a different set of friends. Control your temptation to snoop your partners’ phone, his Facebook messages, call list or even email account. Although such behaviour calms your nerves, it becomes highly addictive. Acts of jealousy or possessiveness can hurt your partner’s sentiments, thereby you need to stop. You do not have to know about his whereabouts or call him every five minutes because he deserves his own space too. Such behaviour is disrespectful and pushes your partner away. So don’t feel victimised and be trustworthy instead.
- Be independent
It’s crucial to keep a sense of your own self and separate from your partner. We shouldn’t forego essential parts of who we actually are only in order to merge ourselves into a couple. Individual ideals are one’s own. It’s important that we rediscover our own unique aspects that attracted us to each other in the first place than merely walk ahead with a demanding relationship or one that isn’t minding your conditions. This is the first step in getting closer to each other and holding strong. So before you march off into the sunset in search of love, learn to love yourself first.
- The word ‘matter’ matters the most here
Make a list of all the people who matter the most to you. Have they loved you? Are they concerned about you? Have you enjoyed their company? Ask yourself how you feel when their names come to your mind. Let yourself absorb that safety and comfort. Don’t let your insecurity doubt your positive thoughts. Remember those relationships where you truly felt a difference, where the person at the other end was wholeheartedly affected by what you said or did. Getting over an attachment takes time. Yet, learn to let them go. You will know the correct moment when cupid’s arrow strikes you. Wait patiently for the right person to appear in your life.
- Acknowledging your own marketability
An accurate, honest assessment of your own values is necessary before others decide what to expect from you. Yes, you have to be less insecure; rather you should increase your tolerance power to adjust to the different ambiguities that your relationship presents before you. Invest in a person who cannot hurt you. By allowing yourself to be loved and feel loving, you are bound to also feel anxious. But sticking it out has more rewards than you can imagine. Never let your insecurities dictate your decisions or associations. It is the best gift you get in form of the bond between you and your partner while you also growing from within. Hence no time is wasted when we learn about ourselves and about something valuable called love.
Suggested read: The Complete Guide On How To Deal With Betrayal In Relationships
- Stop seeking approval all the time
Asking for reassurance all the time becomes an addictive habit. To overcome insecurity, you have to learn to give your best in your relationship. This foremost needs trust, belief, adjustment, love, compassion, forgiving and generosity. Waiting for your partner to reassure you when you are insecure aggravates your insecurity further. You don’t need to please your partner by trying to become sexy, clingy, over loving or over smart. You should strive to feel okay from within. Unless we address such attitudes, the issues will resurface again and again. You should inwardly desire to accept the person you are and how beautiful your relationship is. Constantly asking for confidence and consolation detracts his/her interest from you.
- Master your present
The past and the present are two different phases of your life. You cannot mix the two of them. Your past relationship cannot be compared with your present. Those are two completely different experiences of your life. Your previous partner may have been abusive but your present person is loving and caring. Failures are a part of life. You need not blame yourself for it and become insecure about the new love that you are experiencing. You should not harbour any pessimistic expectation of loss and betrayal while you fall for a new person. In this way your perceptions become biased and you start expecting things the way you want and not want them to be. This creates unnecessary pressure on the other person. The past was for lessons and the future is for dreams. Contribute to building a perfect relationship than undermining it with your past ordeal.
That is all we have on today’s post. Did you find it helpful? Let us know in the comment section below.
Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License