Before I start ranting about my PMS (Premenstrual syndrome) or what I like to call my Pre-Menstrual Saga, let me make it clear that I am feeling super sane at the moment (and this feeling is limited edition!). So it’s absolutely okay for you to comment at the end of this post without worrying about me ‘finding you and killing you’! PMS, in a word, is a b*tch, and if you think I am exaggerating, I can assure you that these ‘time of the month’ symptoms are very real! If you find your girl on a wild roller coaster of feelings and emotions that seem a bit out of the ordinary, she could be PMSing, and you, my friend, are in serious trouble!
Suggested read: 9 easy ways to support your partner during her period
To give you a better picture of what PMS is really like, I will share a PMSing girlfriend’s typical playlist with you:
Day 1: “I don’t feel like doing anything today. I just wanna lie in my bed!” She ain’t Bruno Mars. She is PMSing!
Day 2: “Rolling in the deep(est sh*t)!”
Day 3: “Never mind, I’ll find someone like you.” Adele is a soother!!
Day 4: “I hate you so much right now! /I hate you so much right now!/Ahhh!/I hate you so much right now!” PMS is a kaleidoscope of emotions!
Day 5: “PMS Blues,” Dolly Parton could never go wrong.
Day 6: “I’m checking out of this heartbreak hotel!”
And the day of the fateful event finally arrives! Glory to you, Almighty!
So now I guess I have scared you enough into reading about the 12 things your girl wants you to know about that time of the month; think of it as a hormonal guide!
1. Chronicle of a PMSing lass
When you married her, you said your vows to each other, right? Did you by any chance say, “for better or for ‘WORSE’”? Well, this is the ‘for worse’ you were talking about! Interestingly, anger is not the emotion that she’s feeling! She is only clueless (about whether to dump your body in the parking lot or in the jungle!), feeling unloved, in a rut, flabbergasted… Why do you think I called it a saga? All that is expected of you is to give her the breathing space to be herself! If she wants to lie around in her pajamas all day and watch a movie marathon, then you should let her! Every girl has her own remedy for combatting PMS, so let your woman indulge in whatever works for her.
2. “What a beautiful mess!”
We are ballooned (not from all the food we’ve overfed ourselves with, but from the body ache also, okay?!). Fitting into those tight tops (ouch!) hurt like hell, because the bra alone is a nightmare! We may look like devils because that’s what we feel like inside while PMSing, but you know you love us just the same! Call us pretty, though we may look like Ursula in a XXL tee (which might be yours!). Stand by us and remind us each day how beautiful we are, as we prepare to cast off the inner layer of our uteri!
3. Mr. Funny-Without-Bones
If your sense of humor is limited to PMS jokes, you will be cursed for life! If it is genuinely funny, we may let you off on bail, but if not, Pray to the savior, Move out of the city, or Succumb to your fate: Security Alert from the Department Against PMS Joke-tellers. I remember chasing a man for six blocks when he said, “I am now Prepared to Meet Satan.” You’ve been warned!
4. Back to school
If you’ve never heard of PMS before, now is the time to study up. If you weren’t paying attention in biology class, let me tell you how the week before the menstruation goes. This is the preparatory phase, and as it tends to go with preparations, she is stressed out. Now you will see how knowing this and acting maturely wins you the “Best Husband/ Boyfriend” sash! Aw!
5. Crying over spilt ‘bleed’ (in anticipation of it!)
So you hate tears, huh? Well, we don’t care! We tend to become touch-me-nots (quite literally), and the floodgates of waterworks will burst open at the slightest provocation! If you have some counsel to give, kindly keep it to yourself. We’ve been dealing with it since the pre-teen years, so we are masters at it by now! When in doubt, just hug her and please DO NOT do it to get some action between the sheets, because that will be the end of it all! Treat her with some extra kindness and prepare a list of things to do that might make her depression wane! If you don’t know her well enough, it’s high time you make the effort!
6. Cap that vocab!
Now that you know about period symptoms and the term PMS, it doesn’t in any way mean you should flaunt it in your daily vocabulary. You must never use it against us or tell us that the emotional troll we’ve become is having a toll on you and the sole cause of it all is PMS, never! Instead of telling us “you take ages to cook dinner when you are PMSing!” (Thank God that we allowed you to live for that one!), ask us what time you should book a table at our favorite restaurant, or even better, offer us a glass of wine while whipping up something for the both of you!
Suggested read: 10 casually sexist remarks women are tired of hearing
7. Loving but no sharing
Don’t you even dare try to plot a way to steal the Belgian dark chocolate that she’s been hiding in the fridge and nibbling at every day! I suggest you buy her a few more bars to keep her entertained for the whole week. The chocolate cravings know no boyfriend or husband and can be reason enough for a breakup! And sharing? What?! How can you have the audacity to ask a PMSing woman to share her bar of happiness?! Don’t even think about it!
8. “Killing me softly with your words!”
Image source: CallingChits.com
“How do the Gilmore Girls look oh-so-lovely all the time?! I guess my problems might end once I get a place in Beverly Hills. Tell me you still love me, Baby? But why should you, I’m ridiculous, but also amazing. That is, when I am not crazy, which I only am once a month! You know that quote from Marilyn Monroe, about loving me at my worst or something? I don’t remember I am famished!” Yes, you’ll have to deal with this ‘blabbermouth,’ who’ll constantly rant about her misfortunes and rightfully so! Just pay a kind ear! And yes, she is right about the Marilyn Monroe quote, “I am out of control and at times, hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best!”
Don’t compare us to Sleeping Beauty by saying that you never saw her PMSing! Well, did you ever see her doing anything?! So interrupting our extended but much-needed beauty sleep and then giving utterly stupid arguments against it, will only p*ss us off more! Moreover, if we sleep for more than 12 hours, doesn’t that save you from us too? Everything is a blessing in disguise!
10. My ‘box,’ you ‘idiot’!
We don’t care if the EPL or the NBA is on, we don’t care one bit! When PMSing, the remote control belongs to us. We are the Captain who decides which channel to watch. You are most welcome to sit through re-runs of Sex and the City. C’mon, we are allowing you to ogle four hot women, while sharing our popcorn, what more could you want? Was Miranda right when she said “men are sh*t”? Well, it can seem that way sometimes!
11. Pad up!
Once married, do we ever say “my house” or “your house” or maybe “my bills” or “your bills”? It’s “ours,” right? So why the heck should PMS be my problem alone? You should care because you need to save your own soul from the sorrow, right? So follow suit! Buy her a set of pads, drop it in her closet without her noticing, and wait for the week to end. Now prepare to be treated like a king!
12. Unen‘Gross’ed? How dare you?!
All of a sudden your focused, ambitious partner turns into Miss Clumsy? No, it’s not a spell, it’s PMS – though they may actually be one and the same! They say this happens because the neurotransmitters start goofing up, which causes us to goof up too! So it’s quite obvious that you should pay extra attention around the house, otherwise you might one day come home to Joan of Arc burned at the ‘steak’!
Suggested read: 10 things you MUST know before dating a feminist
I have pretty much guided you through the ‘herMANual’, right? Remember PMS is a good thing for you. It means she isn’t malnourished, pregnant, or a vampire! She is a normal human being with normal bodily functions. That’s good news, eh? And you want to ask me about sex, huh?! Well, she’ll put a ‘period’ to that if you suggest!
Featured image source: Shutterstock