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From The Diary Of An Alpha Male: 13 Essential Tips For Being An Alpha Man

So, stereotypes are everywhere. This alpha male thingy is rad. And since, I know people like to strike when the iron is hot, I am going to let them know that being an alpha male, as per society’s pre-set standards, is a piece of cake.

man looking in the mirror_New_Love_Times

Image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License

  1. Make sure you keep your testosterone flowing by going to the gym 5 days a week.
  2. Going to the gym does not mean you can cut down on the finer things in life – such as beer.
  3. Commitment is for the week. You have to ensure that your sex drive is satisfied very often – and by different women.
  4. When you are hitting on the women, make sure you highlight her features. Saying that she has beautiful eyes won’t work. Letting her know how tight her butt is will. Always make sure you objectify her blatantly. Let her know that you are doing it.
  5. You cannot, in any way listen to any woman. A woman cannot tell you what to do. Whether you are in a relationship or with your mother – remember this : Women know nothing. Don’t let them control you. Show solidarity with other men who are fighting female rants for equality.
  6. Whenever a woman tries to explain something , make sure you let her know how wrong she is. Shout at her. Throw things at her. Even if you realize halfway that she is partly right, keep breaking things. Don’t let her know you feel that way. Don’t let her know you feel anything.
  7. A real man has no “tolerance” for alcohol. When someone tells you that you have had enough to drink, they are underestimating your manhood. Prove them wrong. Have another drink. Or three.
  8. In bed, make sure you first get all the things done to you. Then lie back and let her get on top. In sex, men should only provide the comfort of the male organ. The woman’s job is to make sure that the male organ is satisfied.  You have done your job getting her there in the first place.
  9. After you are done, it is not your prerogative to cuddle. Any normal human being wants to sleep after hard work. So when she wants you to cuddle, pretend to snore. Nothing a good old pretend-sleep can’t avoid.

    Suggested read: 9 things all boyfriends are doing instead of paying attention

  10. No matter what the reports say, all men do not have homosexual tendencies. Being an alpha male means one thing, and one thing only. Don’t lose your focus on the basis of these rubbish reports. They are written by people who are beta males, and who cannot even comprehend the idea of an alpha male.
  11. If you are in a relationship, do not hesitate to walk out on your girlfriend when you are having a fight. If she asks you to leave, don’t take it any way other than literally. If she is crying and in need of consolation- that is not your job. She has her girlfriends for that.
  12. If you have an erection in public, be proud of it. You have nothing to be ashamed of. The world should know of how sexually aroused you are from something. It emphasizes and establishes your identity as a true man.
  13. A real man isn’t afraid of bar fights. If there is a squabble going on in your local pub, and if it doesn’t concern you – don’t think that means that you shouldn’t assert your manhood by not fighting. You should get involved and use your brute force to set things in order.

And now that you know what a scumbag you’d be if you did these, don’t eat the cake! Just be a man, a real one!

Featured image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License

Article Name
13 Essential Tips For Being An Alpha Male
Because an alpha male is also steeped in stereotypical notions!
Debroop Basu

Debroop Basu

I am an aspiring filmmaker, literature-enthusiast, movie buff, and music snob. Literature is my first love, and Cinema is my mistress. Other hobbies include obsessively quoting TS Eliot, making mixed tapes for people who don’t like me back, and daydreaming of watching Radiohead concerts.