Your relationship came to an end – abruptly or it took a meandering course to reach that point. But the point is, it’s done and over with. The relationship that you invested so much of your energy, interest, time, and work into, has finally breathed its last. Whether it’s your first breakup or your last, you will survive it and come out on the other side in one piece.
It may take a while, it may hurt like hell, but you will get over it. However, when you’re feeling vulnerable, trying to move on from your just-ended relationship, is when you tend to make stupid decisions. You see, your emotions and feelings seem to get the better of you, by overriding logic. That is when you do things that you normally wouldn’t even dream of doing. Things that are illogical, irrational, and finally, highly unhealthy for your emotional well-being.
Suggested read: 10 valid reasons you should unfollow your ex, after the breakup
But, the biggest irony is that people, when reeling from a blow like a breakup – unexpected or not – tend to do the very things they should stay away from. Not only does this keep you shackled to the past making you miserable, it also makes sure that your mind keeps circling the same event, while you should be doing everything you in your power to get over it.
If you’re in a situation where you’re vulnerable from the recent breakup, then you should steer way clear of a few things after the breakup that will only hurt you in the long run.
1. Having the closure talk before you’re ready.
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Relationship closure is where you and your ex behave like actual adults and have ‘the talk.’ The talk where you tell each other what you wanted to say during the breakup. It might include apologies for things said and done, what could have been done differently, and whether there was ever a chance to make it work. Not only does this talk allow the burden on your heart to ease, it helps you move on by expressing everything you’ve wanted to say. Some prefer to have this conversation in person, while others do it on the phone. Whatever suits you, really.
However healthy this talk might be, it needs to be had only once you both have gotten over the breakup. Jumping the gun and having it too soon will only reopen old wounds and hurts, that are better left to heal. Since there’s a high possibility of pain and rejection and hurt still being there, it would only make matters worse by causing a scene. Whether you cause a scene by unleashing the tearworks, or yelling and shouting at each other, a scene is a scene, and it’s embarrassing. So it’s better to leave ‘the talk’ for at least a few months, just to be on the safe side.
2. Stalking your ex or the new person in their life.
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This is a common enough mistake that many people are guilty of after the breakup. They just can’t resist themselves from stalking their ex – online and/or offline. If you’ve resorted to stalking your ex or their new person, then you’re just setting yourself up for more pain. Every time they post an update about moving on or about the new person in their life, it’s like a slap in your face. Although that’s not why they did it, it sure does feel like it, no? Seeing a stream of such posts and updates will only prolong your pain – which isn’t very conducive to you moving on, is it?
One sure way to resist the temptation of stalking your ex online is to unfollow your ex on all social media channels and call it a day. If you’re one of those people who just can’t resist the temptation, then you may want to consider uninstalling all your social media apps from your phone as well blocking them on your laptop. Another thing you could do is to go cold turkey on internet for a few weeks, till you’ve calmed down some post breakup. One advantage of cutting off the internet is that you won’t go online to air out your grief by posting something stupid, which you’ll only regret later on.
3. Revisting your old haunts.
This is an extension of the previous point, really. What good would it do if you keep going to all the places you used to go to with your ex when you were together? Sure, it might make you feel better for a teeny, tiny moment, but after that? It’ll just make you miserable, where you’re left reminiscing about the ‘good old days,’ when you were so happy together. You’ll start to miss your ex and all that they did for you, said to you, and made you feel. What’s worse, these reminders are potent enough to make you into a crying, sobbing, blubbering mess in public!
If you have to go to your old haunts, you should go with the purpose of making new memories about the place. Sure, that one place will always be where you first saw each other and locked gazes. But it can also be the place where you first asked a cute guy out, after the breakup. Don’t restrict a place’s utility by tying it to a specific memory. You can always make newer and better memories.
Suggested read: 9 powerful tips on how to fall in love again after a breakup
4. Unofficial house arrest.
What is the first thing you do after a breakup? Get into your pajamas, grab a tub of your favorite ice cream, and cry over the spilt milk. What good would it do? This is the period where you’re also bursting into tears over the littlest of issues. It’s so easy and relatively painless to just stay home and wallow in self-pity, while stuffing yourself with cold pizza and large amounts of ice cream. However, life goes on, and it has to; it doesn’t care whether you’re back to being single again and trying to nurse a broken heart. In the long run, wallowing in your misery alone is not healthy – emotionally or physically.
Sure, the person you were with, who you probably loved, is no longer a part of your life, and that hurts like hell. But is that reason enough to let everything else in your life go down the drain? Keeping yourself busy by going in to work, talking with your friends and family, doing things you enjoy – are all ways in which you can realize that it’s not the end of the world, although it seems that way after the breakup. In time, you will get through the day, with enthusiasm and zeal that you had before the breakup. Eventually, you will start to enjoy things because you love them, and not because they help you forget your ex.
5. Looking to rebound.
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Many people wax poetic about the benefits of rebounding with an awesome person soon after suffering a heartbreak. Granted that they have the potential to help you get over your breakup, but it’s not a magic pill it’s made out to be. There’s a certain superficiality to a rebound relationship, which might make you wonder why you chose to have one in the first place. However, this depends solely on the kind of person you are emotionally, and not on anything else.
A rebound relationship may be good for you, but having one soon after your breakup may be an ill-advised move. You’re miserable and vulnerable, which is a bad combination any day, and twice on Sunday. This poor combination might make you hookup with any person, without thinking the decision through, which will only cause you more heartache, and not to mention, heaps of regret.
6. Getting wasted.
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The way you cope any upheavals in your life is to get blinding drunk. So why not after a breakup, right? Everything else seems to have gone south, why not get drunk and pass out too? This is the absolute wrong thing to do. A temporary high from alcohol may numb your pain for a while, but it will give you a pounding hangover the next morning. If this becomes a habit, then it’s only going to get worse from there, with no prospect of getting better. Is that what you want in life?
7. Seeking revenge.
When you’re feeling vulnerable, it’s easy to make yourself the victim, where you put all the blame on your ex. You’re already filled with negative emotions, and it’s an easy transition to make from feeling vulnerable to feeling like a victim, where your ex is the villain. You’re sure that your ex deserves from revenge, to avenge yourself. Nip this in the bud, right here. You need to realize that when you experience a major upheaval in life, like a breakup, your logic is overridden by emotions, making you think and do things that you wouldn’t otherwise do.
Exacting revenge on your ex is your heartbroken heart looking for a way to lash out. Revenge, in any form – inflicting pain, keying your ex’s car, humiliating them online or in public – isn’t the best idea. If you really want to show up your ex and exact revenge on them, you can do it in 2 ways, which are fairly healthy: a) rise above your heartbreak and be a better person, and b) by exercising and getting a revenge body that is sure to make heads turn wherever you go!
Suggested read: 10 simple ways to find yourself after a heartbreaking breakup
8. Trying to change yourself for your ex’s sake.
Change is the only constant there is. That means growing up and changing in a way that would make you the best version of yourself, for yourself. However, changing yourself to fit a mold of your ex’s making isn’t growth, it’s unhealthy. If you’re looking to “improve” yourself so that you can better fit your ex’s expectations of the person they’d want to date, you’re letting your ex know that even now, you’re looking to salvage what’s left of the failed pile of mess that is your relationship.
Changing yourself to please someone else – your ex – will only work in the short term, because in essence, you’re still you, and you can’t change that no matter what. Also, changing yourself to be with your ex is not what you really want in life, is it? Even if you succeed in your endeavor, you’ll only end up resenting your ex and yourself for going through it in the first place. So don’t do it.
Soon after getting your heart broken, you’d do well to steer clear of these mistakes. It’ll save you yet more pain in the long run.
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