Sexless Marriage – The Problem And The Fix

by Sejal Parikh · June 15, 2015

Sex is one of those things that people are constantly thinking of, reading about, watching, and perhaps, doing too … but never talking of! Sure, you dish out the steamy details of the night-of-nine-times to your besties over endless rounds of martinis and also do not shy away from taking the case of the new guy your bestie landed last weekend – but do you talk of your sex life as eagerly when it goes from being consistent to non-existent?

No?

Suggested read: Why we think married sex is awesome

Thought so. And that’s the problem of sexless marriages. The lack of sex is something that is lacking in our conversations and discussions on the subject! And more often than not, the complaining method used to rectify the situation draws you farther apart and intensifies the ambivalence that pervades the dry spell.

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Sexless marriages aren’t an uncommon thing. According to the National Opinion Research Center, the average American couple reports having sex 66 times a year. Newsweek has noted that 15% to 20% of couples have sex less than 10 times a year, which is defined as a “sexless” marriage. However, other experts like Susan Yager-Berkowitz beg to differ,

“If a couple is content with intimacy less than once a month, and happily married, I doubt they would refer to themselves as having a sexless marriage… and neither would we.”

So, the sex threshold for a marriage is something that is defined by the participating partners and as such, cannot be pinned to a minimal or maximal count! However, it is common to find spouses having different amounts of sexual desire, and it is only when the discrepancy isn’t bridged that a sexless spiral begins to unravel.

So then, what really counts as a sexless marriage? Is there any solution to a sexless marriage?

Let’s skip the experts’ definition, jargon, and statistical data. Defining one is, perhaps, as difficult as dealing with it. But here’s my humble attempt:

A sexless marriage is a marriage wherein ‘sex’ as a form of forging physical and emotional intimacy has fallen off the partners’ ‘to-do’ lists, stemming from and in turn, intensifying the deeper problems and issues in the marriage, than just the plain carnal aspect.

Agree?

So then, what might be the causes that infect a potentially happy and healthy marriage to become diseased and sexless? Here are the most common reasons behind a sexless marriage:

1. The gender gap

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Women seem to have the home-court advantage and are very often seen as denying men their desired quota of sex citing several reasons. The problem here is that women do not understand that sex is one of the primary languages of men for ‘connection.’ And in denying them sex, they are harming their bond. I do not want to battle the minefield of a woman’s emotional complex with the simplistic desire-model of a man’s perspective on intimacy – but I am trying to explain that if every time you’d wanted to talk, he’d say ‘oh, so you want to talk again, we just talked yesterday’ isn’t acceptable – your ever-increasing train of ‘how you feel reasons’ to not have sex is unacceptable too – to him! Men want and need sex!

2. The (m)engagement factor

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And before all the women readers blast me in the comments section for this lopsided view, while men smile their goofy victory grin – let me clarify this. Men, you aren’t off the hook. While women do need to understand that a certain dose is crucial for you, you need to know that women, too, have a ticking device that you need to understand. So, if she is going the extra mile to give you what you want, you need to pull up your socks and give her hers too! And it isn’t as simple as carnal delight! Women think about you more often than you think about sex! TRUE STORY! So, if you’d make her feel loved and cherished, she’d open up hithertofore unavailable avenues of intimacy – and needless to say, the sex that follows would be awesome!

3. The disparity in sexual desire

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Spouses have different amounts of sexual desire and that causes a glitch that is hard to fix. When one partner’s normal is once a month while the other’d want to do it every day, the hithertofore non-noticeable cracks shall widen and threaten to bring your marriage-citadel crumbling down!

4. Lack of emotional intimacy

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One of the primary causes of sexual distancing is a lack of emotional intimacy. A couple who feels connected vis-à-vis conversation, shared passions, interests, goals, and emotional investment in their marriages are less likely to spend all of their sexual quota than those who cannot seem to save any, for they have spent all their ‘connection’ to each other!

5. External factors

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Is your partner having an affair? Do you feel that he finds you unattractive and undesirable? Is there a problem within your marriage that keeps you from making love (say conflict avoidance)? Address it, and as soon as possible too.

6. Workload and time management

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Everybody seems to advance the excuse of the fast-ticking strokes of the clock that seems to be intent on taking away the sexual season of their lives! Wonky work hours, household responsibilities, and several other activities that eat away the time of couples seem legit excuses for depriving the marriage of one of the glues that binds it together. Only it isn’t!

7. Parenting responsibilities and stress

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So many mommies and daddies feel that children are a reason their sex life has gone bland. The reality is well, far from it! Excuses are for people who do not really want it! However, this isn’t to say that these are just excuses. Parenthood, as exciting, exhilarating, and wonderful it is, can be equally exhausting, exasperating, and worrisome! But there’s a reason so many mommies and daddies enjoy terrific sex!

8. Medical issues

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Sometimes, the realities of disability, aging, postpartum issues, hormonal imbalances, physical illness, menopause, sexual dysfunction, mental health issues and the like can be the cause behind the dry spell in your marriage!

9. Lack of interest and boredom

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Many couples fall into a routine pattern of bland missionary or boring anal! As such, they don’t feel the urge to have sex, as it doesn’t make anything within them tick anymore!

Grim, huh? Just like your sex life? Wait until we bring out the sun from behind the dark clouds, or would you rather do it in the dark, huh – with sultry music in the backdrop and rumpled sheets?? 😉

Smiling now? Great. 😉

Here’s a comprehensive list of things you can do to fix the problem and enjoy mind-f**king sex in your marriage:

1. Battling the ‘Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus’ syndrome

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The first two reasons on the list call for picking up arms in battle against the gender gap. If women understood sex from a man’s perspective while men understood that sex, for their wives, is much more than the big O, life would be easier for both factions. Women, get used to it. Give it – freely! And enjoy it! Men, just take care of her needs and show her you love her – you will be surprised by the progress you make in and outside of the bedroom!

2. Bridging the libidinal gap

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As already mentioned, the disparity in sexual desire may lead to a gap in partners’ concept of ‘normal.’ Honestly, there is no right amount of sex that a couple must have. It is unto the partners to carve out an optimal mid-way between their scales of desire and stick to it – to make the best of their sex-scape!

3. Bolstering the emotional intimacy

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It is always advisable to let sex flow as a manifestation of the healthy and happy relationship you enjoy, rather than be used as a means to achieve the emotional impetus that women (and also men) crave in marital sex. For married sex to resume, it is important that you invest time and effort to connect with your partner on the mental and emotional levels to better forge a connection on the physical level.

4. Weeding out the external enemies

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Figure out the external causes that might be inducing and prolonging your dry spell and work out ways to combat it as a team. A healthy discussion might help while extreme cases of disconnection might do better to opt for counsel/therapy.

5. Making time

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Do not allow anything to put sex on the backburner! Nobody HAS time, you have to MAKE time! We all have 24 hours in a day – and some of us use the same hours for having awesome married sex whilst juggling the very same busy lives!

6. Making coupledom a part of parenthood

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Labor, being a new parent, postpartum, and thereafter are all stages that need not affect your sex life. If you always choose your partner first (and I do not mean that you love your children any less or are a bad parent), you will start seeing the difference yourself! Use the novelty of the emotion of having birthed a new life together to fuel your romance – you will love it when he kisses the marks that are a proud nominal of bearing his own flesh and blood! Just make love, people – you already got something so beautiful out of it! Also, share the parenting responsibilities!

7. Uprooting the medical issues

These aren’t insurmountable. Just call the doc!

8. Sexperimentation

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Drop those sweats, turn off the TV, and turn on some ravishing romps for your romance! Buy those toys, read up those books, watch steamy sex , step up the exercises, light up candles, put on the music, and chip in staycations and minimoons. You will be surprised with the results. Keeping the spark alive needs effort and you’d much rather be making love to the woman whose rhythm syncs with your heartbeats than fill the wet bed between the thighs of the woman you picked at the bar – a woman you feel nothing for! There is nothing better than re-igniting the passion in your marriage and seeing the inhibitions melt away into uninhibited and unhindered playful action! A give-and-take approach, revving up the raunchy, kick starting the kinky, and spicin’ up the steamy can all lead to a SEX-y life like never before!

Plus, experts maintain that sex is so good for your health that you should never forgo it. If you have allowed the dry months to stretch into years, it takes much more time and effort to work your way back into love and intimacy! So, if you haven’t been having sex for a while, confront and communicate. Do not complain, though – just discuss it, maybe even opt for sweetness when you chip in a ‘am-asking-for-it’ note! You shall never know how fast the ‘We need to talk’ train may hit ‘less talk-more action-junction.’ 😉

Good luck!