Some people are just more difficult to love than others.
For as long as I can remember, I have found myself struggling in relationships. I often feel that I’m the one who gives all my love to others, but doesn’t get enough love in return. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that people whom I was in and out of love were not enough, because they were. It was me and my over-thinking that probably brought out the worst in every relationship. This makes me scared because you might think that I’m difficult to love as well – and to be honest, at times, I’m.
So here it is – an honest apology to all those whom I loved and lost (and a disclaimer to the one I’m in love with). I’m sorry that I’m not the best person to love. I’m sorry for being so difficult. I know love is supposed to be the easiest thing in the world, yet I make the whole thing a bittersweet experience for you. I made it tough for you in the past as well, knowing that you probably deserved better.
I’m sorry for always thinking about the worst-case scenario.
I’m an overthinker and I’m not proud of it at all. I dissect all the messages that you send me while driving early morning or when you are having your lunch. I lay awake almost every night replaying all the conversations that we have had. There is an endless trail of “buts” and “what ifs” that never leaves my mind.
Whenever I think of you, I let your bad parts shadow the good in you. I look for flaws in people to make myself feel better at times. I look for red flags in every relationship and sometimes I even let the slightest of inconvenience become a deal-breaker for me.
If you are out with your friends at night, I might think of the worst possible scenario. I might keep a tap on the people you have loved in the past. My mind never rests even when I’m asleep. I ask for clarifications way too often and even after knowing the truth, I might not believe it. I know it might seem a lot, but give me a chance. Move past my darkest fears and make me believe that you are an exception.
I’m sorry for choosing my timeline over yours.
I have a strict timeline and it doesn’t matter how great you are, chances are that I won’t let you affect my goals. There are times when I choose my career over other important things like love or family.
I have already thought of the first time I’m going to kiss you and that after how many months we should be exclusive. It doesn’t matter if you think we have an instant chemistry or that we should be together, I won’t let you mess up my timeline. We might never be on the same page because I have been misled way too many times before and I can’t have the same experience again.
I’m sorry for being anxious all the time.
People have issues. Just like me, chances are that you might be flawed as well. Though, I’m willing to accept my flaws and my anxiety. If things get hard, I get anxious and push people away.
There might come a time when my anxiety would take over my senses and I would make some rash decision. Love me when there is no one around and when I’m not able to love myself. Be with me even when a part of you wants to leave. I will come around, I promise.
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I’m sorry for comparing you with others.
No matter how much I try, I often find myself being haunted by my past. There were times when I compared you to my ex and I know it wasn’t the right thing. You are not the same person who broke up with me at 1 a.m. over a phone call. You are not the one who cheated on me for almost a month. You are not all those people whom I loved in the past.
You are you and I have never been in love with someone like you before. Nevertheless, my tired heart is still wounded by my past and will compare you to others. There are times when I compare the two of us with other couples as well. I know every individual is different and I’m learning to break the pattern. Stay, my love and make me believe that you are unlike anyone else.
I’m sorry for bringing the baggage of my past relationship.
I confess that I wasn’t ready to be with you when we started seeing each other. I wasn’t really over my ex and I should have given myself more time to heal. This made things harder for you as I came with a visible baggage from my past relationship.
Maybe, I will never heal and maybe I will always have that baggage. I wish we would move ahead and gradually I could leave my past behind – where it belongs.
I’m sorry for doubting your intentions.
I’m sorry for belonging to a generation that prefers having a good time than a good thing. I have always lived for temporary highs. I have never had someone in my life who stayed even after seeing my flaws. So when you did, there was a part of me that didn’t believe you.
Why someone so perfect like you would love someone like me, who is a walking disaster? I doubted your intentions and thought of every worst-case scenario. I didn’t trust you in the start and there are times even now when I question your intentions. I know that you have a good heart and that you will never betray me, but my mind falls back into the same pattern over and over again.
I’m sorry for not letting you in.
I have lost myself in the past to those who were not able to see right through me. I’m not a phoenix who has emerged from its own ashes, but a hermit who has preserved his ashes instead. I have built a wall around my heart with those ashes and always keep my guard up.
I might seem like an open book, and maybe I’m, but the book has a really thick cover. There are some people whom I opened up in the past and now it really bugs me that there is someone out there who never deserved to know me that way. I haven’t given you my truest parts and I might never will.
Even though you have tried several times to break that wall, I haven’t let you in. I’m sorry for not allowing you to know the real me.
I’m sorry for not being there for you.
There were times in the past when you needed me and I wasn’t there to help you. As much as I regret it, I don’t have an explanation. I was lost in the catacombs of my own mind. I was drowning and didn’t have the power to save someone else. I should have been there for you when you needed me the most. I can’t go back in time and undo things, but I will try to be better.
I’m sorry for giving up on us so easily.
Most importantly, this is an apology to the one who got away. Deep within, I always knew that you were “the one” yet I let you walk away without fighting for it. I didn’t communicate or expressed the way I felt about you in the past, but I’m doing it now. I didn’t know that you were the best thing that happened to me back then, but I know now.
I’m not asking for another chance, but I owe you this apology. I’m sorry for breaking your heart and for giving up on us so easily. If only I stayed, things would have been different. I have learned from that experience though and will never give up on love easily now.
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I know I’m not the easiest person to love. I will look for red flags and will always have the baggage of my past. I might never trust you entirely or won’t let you know who I’m in the dark. I might fall back to old patterns and can drown you with me in the ocean of my insecurities.
I might be the most difficult person that you have been with, but I promise I would give you the love you deserve – the kind of love that moves the stars and the moon. When I would see you, I swear I will see the whole of you. I will kiss you like you have never been kissed before. I will write poetry on you with my bare tongue and will make you immortal with my pen. I will take away your sorrow and make you a living and breathing piece of art.
Some people are just harder to love than others. But if you try real hard and give them the love that they have always been craving for, then they might be the best thing you have ever had. They might be harder to love, but they are also worth it.
Featured image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License