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Dear Ladies, Don’t Date A Guy Who…

Okay, you may take the advice in this one with a pinch of salt, but take it anyway! Coz after a decade of dating, I kind of know the stuff I am talking of. There’s a reason I do what I do- successfully- and so, let me tell you something you will all appreciate…

Remember the *feels* you first feel when you meet someone new? The butterflies-let-loose-in-our-tummy cum jelly-knees cum starry daydreams cum all-songs-on-the-radio-are-about-us phase? Of course, you do- isn’t it just the best? The phase where it’s all exciting and you can’t keep your hands off each other!

Now, remember how at some point- maybe a year or a month or a week, worse, a day later- you think to yourself what on earth did you find endearing about the things that gave you the butterflies-let-loose-in-our-tummy cum jelly-knees cum starry daydreams cum all-songs-on-the-radio-are-about-us phase!!! It’s still exciting except you derive the thrill from thinking of how you can’t keep your hands off him- to pound him on the head!

Suggested read: 10 logical reasons why a friends with benefits relationship doesn’t work

But maybe you should just pound yourself instead- there’s half a chance that the heartache you feel was your own doing. Now, now- don’t turn away- listen to me, I have been there, done that. I know the feeling. And I say this coz a good, hard look at the past has made me realize that there are indeed, a few types you just shouldn’t date..

..and you shouldn’t believe me because I am single..but you should believe me because you abso-f*cking-lutely should NOT date a guy who…

1. Makes your knees turn into jelly just by being there

date a guy who does not_New_love_Times

Image source: Giphy

It happens. You can actually melt into gooey mush even as your eyes meet and possibly be imagining your panties dropping to the floor even before you’ve made it through the first ten minutes. This guy is straight-up trouble. I mean yes, if Sod’s law isn’t playing bi*ch and you have shaved and are carrying that discreet overnight pack that doesn’t give you away in the slightest, by all means, go ahead and have a great time- a really, really great time…umm..sorry what was I saying? You see- this is what this guy does to you. It is just that if you are looking for anything consequential, your weakened knees aren’t gonna take you there! That friend you have, who slept with her hottie on the first night, claimed to have fantastic sex, is married and avers that the sex is still as hot n heavy as ever- is lying!

2. Sleeps with his dog

date a guy who does not_New_love_Times

Image source: Tumblr

Yes, I know, I know- a man with a dog is adorable. It speaks volumes about how responsible he is, how caring and nurturing he can be and how he can make for a doting father you’d love for your kids to have. But someone who won’t let him up even when you are lying in bed with him is just not the daddy mommy wants- envision getting down n dirty in front of your kid and you will know.. <puke>

3. Is younger

date a guy who does not_New_love_Times

Image source: Giphy

Okay, I will let up- Demi and Ashton did it- but that’s the exception. While a li’l younger is okay, dating someone over seven years younger is way off. Eventually, the HOT sex will cool off and you will have a generational communication gap. This breakdown will, in turn, lead to the time when you ask him something about his day over dinner and he gives you the cursory teen nod and ‘okay’ mumble- and wham, it dawns on you- you are his mom!

4. Is prettier

date a guy who does not_New_love_Times

Image source: Giphy

Now now, a guy who’s fussing and fluffing and preening more than you is a fuss-pot you shouldn’t be falling for! More fastidious and finicky than you, this one will hog your shopping sagas, take the mirror for himself and maybe, compete with you in doing his hair! Only a matter of time until this obsession begins to spill over in other areas- and you don’t want that!

5. Talks about his ‘crazy’ ex

If you have caught hold of this one, just remember you will soon be on the same list. If you are nowhere near crazy, he will find you, drive you up the wall, round the bend and push you into near distraction. Once he’s done that, you have been driven crazy- he can make an ex out of! Mission accomplished!

Suggested read: 10 surprising truths I learned about a no strings attached relationship

6. Can’t hold a conversation

date a guy who does not_New_love_Times

Image source: Tumblr

This kind is a f*cking waste of time. He will simply sit across the table, staring at his coffee, plain oblivious to the fact that he’s got nothing. NOTHING! I mean, c’mon, if silence was all I wanted out of a date, I could be home on my couch, with my stuffed version of Winnie wrapped around me. At least, I’d be hugging someone I liked!

7. Answers almost every question in ‘whatever’

date a guy who does not_New_love_Times

Image source: onehallyu

This usually starts to creep in much later in a relationship. But the orange flags that prophesy red are all there. And one has to be wary of complacency or else sooner or later, you might end up with:

Me: Listen, I guess we have an unplanned one on our hands, what do we do?

Him: Whatever!

8. Doesn’t read

I am all for personal choices- but this one will run out of words fairly quickly! And to someone like me, that’s a huge no-no. Don’t know if that rocks your boat- but honestly, I couldn’t make peace with someone who runs out of things to say and worse, doesn’t understand why the written word is sort of a big deal to me!

9. Thinks he is better than you

date a guy who does not_New_love_Times

Image source: Tumblr

Ahh, here comes the kin of’em all. There’s nothing you can say or do that he can’t say or do better. Even if you get sick of all the rattling debates which can have only one winner (that’s never YOU) and suggest that you learn to agree to disagree, he will still want to have the last, best word! My word- drop the encyclopedic dates and enjoy a sapiosexual threesome with Google and Quora. They aren’t as annoying!

10. Thinks he is not good enough for you

date a guy who does not_New_love_Times

Image source: growthguided

On the opposite spectrum is this guy who believes he will never quite match up to you and thus, lives with a self-imposed curse that you will have to work on round the clock to deflate. If that weren’t draining enough, his whiny laments and perpetual fear of someone better whisking you away will put you off him- coz honestly, how long can you fill an imaginary lack! Reassuring someone of his worth when he doesn’t believe in it himself is kinda Sisyphian!

Suggested read: Is it really possible to be friends with your ex?

Coincidentally, for all the guys on here, there may have been an equally attractive to-root-for quality that can make me pen down a corresponding ‘date a guy who..’ piece (or maybe not), but that’s another story for another day…and before you feel like pounding me on the head for ending on such a contrarian note, let me qualify my closing sentence with this disclaimer..

When it boils down to it, dating isn’t for the faint of heart. Yes, there ARE some ‘types’ here but I am sure many of you have happy relationships with younger, prettier men who don’t like to read (and so I’m safe 😉 ) and for all the eccentricities they have, you have one happy, loving relationship you can live while I am lying in bed with a remote control, a bunch of DVDs and a pint of ice-cream! But honestly, if a guy’s reading and up for it, I wouldn’t say no to coffee..unless you are a writer…

..coz then I’d be your muse, until it begins to fade and you make me the subject of your written rant about ‘a crazy ex’..

Wait, was that what I was doing here?

Oh well.. guess I just gave you another type to NOT date.. habits… 😛 😉

Featured image source: killermag

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Dear Ladies, Don’t Date A Guy Who…
Date a guy who does NOT do these...
Sejal Parikh

Sejal Parikh

"I'm a hurricane of words but YOU can choose the damage I do to you..."