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30 Sexy Things That Aren’t REALLY Sexy

When it comes to being sexy, and more importantly, performing sexual acts sexily, all I have to say is: Those are just stunts performed by trained professionals; don’t try them at home!

So, here’s a list of such 30 sexy things that we presume are sexy until we try our hands, feet, face and ‘you-know-what’ on them!

1. Shower sex!

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Image source: Giphy

Yes, you have seen it in the movies and it sounds like a g-r-r-r-eat idea, but not!

The water is either too hot or too cold, always! Plus it gets inside your eyes and then you can’t see anything! Nonetheless, you march on and try lathering soap on each other, and that’s when you slip and fall and break a bone or two!

2. Wet tees!

You are sure to catch a chill and then sneeze it all out on him. You find trolls with mucus, sexy?!

Suggested read: 15 sexily steamy romance movies that scorched the screens

3. Going commando!

That sounds so comfy but to make it sexy you have to team the idea with a leather skirt. Now when that sticks to your bits, ahem, I guess you get the idea!

4. Beach sex!

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Image source: nerdist

That too after a Brazilian wax (of course!). There’s something ‘hot’ about rashes!

5. Pouting!

We used to do that as toddlers. When we were peevish. I have nothing more to say, okay?! *Pouts*

6. Ding-dong praises!

They say stroke a man’s genitalia and his ego, but don’t hurt either. You are sure to do just that!

7. That flowy mermaid hair!

Wait till it gets inside your mouth, his mouth, his nose, your noise…. And so on!

8. Nipples

Getting inflamed over a nip slip? Dude, you have them too, right?! Duh!

Nipple outlines during foreplay is still cute but nipples without a context? Tame them!

9. Corsets!

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Image source: Giphy

And when you need to pee, thou shan’t be able to!

10. Candles around the bath tube

*Imagine the heat

*Safety hazard

*Who will clean the wax-shit the next day?!

11. Getting drunk

You won’t remember anything the following morning, which is a good thing and a bad thing!

12. Big boobs!

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Image Source: Giphy

No bras can keep those mighty melons in control! And you can actually hear them flap when you decide to (read: have no option but) go braless!

13. Plane sex!

Yes. Standing next to a box full of poop, let’s make some louuu!

14. Thigh-high lacy stockings!

For women with flesh on their thighs (basically, all women, unless you are pretending to be a radish!) wherever the stocking ends, there is sure to be a bulge of stretched fat! So if you still want to look sexy, you need to pull it high up… till your brainless heads!

15. Heels!

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Image source: Tumblr

If you manage to not fall on the ground or be constantly paranoid about the same, congrats you too win nothing! So why bother?!

16. Lip biting!

Only if you are starring in a creepy carnal advert! Otherwise, don’t snack on dead skin, puhlease!

17. T*twanking!

And it’s as bad as it sounds! Just because there’s a gap between the breasts, one shouldn’t thrust things through the lumps of fat! And if you are having your periods… Ouch!

18. All night long!

Too much of anything is not good, right? Even mommy gets tired. Even mommy needs sleep!

19. Being flexible!

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Image source: investorshub

Bodily, maybe, but in thoughts, NO, if you are going to bring up lewd suggestions like putting it up the wrong hole!

20. Bodycon!

And who’s going to breathe for me, I pray?

21. 50 Shades of Grey!

Well, of course, signing up a contract that would take me weeks to just read and make sense of!

22. In the car!

“Dancing car”? And what happens when some alien who looks like Aamir Khan takes all our clothes away?!

23. The 69 pose!  

Do you realize that though pleasing each other simultaneously sounds like such an equitable, feminist idea, it isn’t feasible if the heights of your torso don’t match? #LogicSpeak!

24. Helping him put on a condom with your mouth!

Arms were bestowed upon us for a purpose, woman!

25. Being helpless!

How about being a feminist instead?!

26. Big d*ck!

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Image source: reddit

Woah… wow… umm. Ouch… aaaah… it’s hurting me, you mother*cker… back off! Exactly. What. Is. Going. To. Happen. Every. Time.

27. Sexy lingerie!

I suggest go commando rather than paying through your nose for something that just hides the places that won’t be hidden in the next two seconds. But also refer to point no. 3!

28. Food-p*rn!

Food is meant for eating. PERIOD!

Suggested read: 10 legitimate reasons to have more sex with your partner

29. Face paint!

Our face is not a canvas and that thing’s not a brush. And most importantly, you ain’t no Picasso, you son of a b*tch!

30. Being sexy!

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Image source: imgur

Too much pressure, fellas! 😉

Is there anything that we missed? Do tell us about it in the comment section below. Also, don’t forget to subscribe. ☺

Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License

Article Name
30 Sexy Things That Aren't REALLY Sexy
Some sexy things aren't what they seem until you try your hands, feet and you know what on them! :P
Riya Roy

Riya Roy

“If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.” This Isaac Asimov line, embraces my love for writing in the finest and most desperate way that it is and should be! I was tormented by the earnestness of the written word not very early in my journey. But once smitten, it has helped me devour life twice over; savoring the moment and indulging in its memories. As a flâneuse, I wander to understand the intricacies of human relationships. Realizing that, they are just different manifestations of the same feeling of love, has been my greatest learning. I seek to share its opulence through the words I type.