Let’s get straight to business. You can thank me later.
Here are a few out-s that shall get you kicked OUT of the dating game if you get in on them on the first few dates.
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Suggested read: 8 secret sexual fantasies of EVERY girl
You see, it ain’t without reason the wiser ones among us advise ya’all to not go all in, too fast, too soon.
1. Zone out
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No matter whether the TV screen is flashing something you just cannot seem to take your eyes off of (okay, maybe it is Kaley Cuoco in a …I will let your imagination take that) or your cell phone just can’t stop beeping coz your friends know you are on a date and just want to disturb you with random brunch planning group chat, a happy hour meet or simply a ‘beer with bros’ hangout afterward, you CANNOT and must not zone out. Coz once you are on a date, you are ‘committed’ to the bare minimum hours that ‘decency’ says you must hold up interest in your date’s blabber for – and no exit is possible. Not even a batman-esque one! And if you do zone out, your date (if she is anything like a ‘girl’) will sure draw the entire town’s (or at least the restaurant’s –the one you are at) attention to the fact that you are too into your phone or Kaley to be into anyone else!
2. Cash out
Okay, I know that there is always the tacit rule of the person who did the ‘asking out’ to treat, but the reach test is a real thing. Copping out of offering to pay for the meal you hogged on (in all probability) is the litmus test for being a cheapskate. So, if you did end up passing this one when the bill came in, you came off as someone who turned up for a free meal and you shall be ‘free’ to be single soon after!
3. Back out
This is the worst thing you can do on the first few dates – unless you got hit by a bus, of course! Any excuse (whether it be family, friends or that evergreen ‘something’ that inevitably comes up) shall come back to bite you in the rear later in the form of a close friend, colleague or worse, your mom going, ‘I heard you stood Mia up. Why’d you do that?’ Good luck with keeping an answer ready! Also, FYI – you ain’t getting set up on any more dates – unless of course, Tinder and its kin come to the rescue! In that case, good luck with that too!
4. Make out
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Whether you jumped for joy after your senseless swiping spree on Tinder resulted in a match that agreed to meet you or were simply taken pity upon by some good old friend who couldn’t bear your third wheel-y rattle in his otherwise smooth-oiled revving love-engine topping out at 120 miles an hour on the relationship highway, do not attempt to stick your tongue down the throat of your date on the first date, or the next few for that matter! Or else, all you are going to get out of the transaction is exchanged spit. And you don’t need me to tell you that the aftertaste that shall linger on after the date pulls off the invisibility trick and goes MIA shall be one that tastes DESPO LOSER-ish!
5. Black out
Don’t touch the alcohol if you can’t handle it. You cannot blame anything or anybody if you do end up feeling a warm, gooey, mushy feeling melting your insides on the date. Coz when it’s the alcohol, it IS the alcohol. Your slurry speech isn’t quite mushy talk nor your stumble-y walks the perfect rendition of ‘being in his arms.’ So, if you down a glass one too many, chances are you shall be blacklisted from the dating list of quite a few eligible matches in your date’s circle! That’s strikeout!
6. Freak out
Exchanging small talk over a plate of yummy pasta and finding out l’il tidbits of similarities or differences (that excite you, coz you had always wanted to do that and didn’t) are kinda exciting! Yes, there can be slight awkwardness in the silences that fill up the empty spaces (okay, prolong them), but that’s what the wine is for! If you freak out, it’s game over!
7. Give out
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Save the details about the positions you like to do it in or what your ex said about that bi*ch being better than you until about date 3 or even 30! While it is important to bring honesty to the table, bringing in more than the flimsy four legs of the table is capable of handling can bring the whole date-platter down! So, make sure you don’t go rambling about your need for a ‘secure future’ to some commitmentphobe or go gung-ho about your crush from college or even express an interest in Donald Trump – you never know what you give out makes them give up!
8. Leave out
This is kind of a build-up on the give out pointer. Except I shall advise the exact opposite. Don’t leave out the bits that are important! Like – YOU – parts that are essentially YOU! Coz if you do leave out the real you behind, you will settle for something lesser than what YOU deserve, and let’s admit it already – that’s not savory – even with the scallop sashimi with meyer lemon confit laid out in front of you! Maybe if you do end up pulling off a façade to please him and it ends in a disaster (coz you did it even when I just advised you against it), at least, you can get the sashimi to go along with a couple of drinks!
Yes, yes, you are welcome!
Featured image source: miragesigns