Boy meets girl. Boy falls *ss over face in love with her. Girl reciprocates. Boy meets another girl! … Or whatever be the reason, I am not interested! The point is, if you need to end a relationship, do it like a man, or maybe not! Ah, you again need a girl to help you out don’t you?!

Here are a few dos and don’ts of dumping a girlfriend, you should have known by now!

1. Don’t break up from under the covers!

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What the eff?! Who does that, bro?! So you think you can do ‘it’ one last time, know how it feels when with her (in her?!), & then dump her, just like that!

Dear impeccable douches of my generation, what do we do to knock some sense into you? Dumping a girlfriend when she is her most vulnerable, makes me want to high-five you, but with a chair!

2. Do it in person!

And not over the telephone, or over text or by leaving a message on the answering machine, which her friend accidentally plays in front of a baker’s dozen who have gathered for her surprise birthday party!

The next one obviously is,

3. Don’t dump her on her birthday!

Or the day before or after! Also don’t call it quits in your anniversary month, or Christmas. Don’t trick her on Halloween or Thanksgiving, how could I forget Thanksgiving?! You can schedule it somewhere around… never, may be?! *Grunts*

4. Do ditch the clichés!

Women can smell the scowl-inducing standard lines from the moment you start forming it in your stomach to barf it on her face later!

So when you say, “It is not you, it is me,” she knows you mean, “I am a total *ssh*le, who has been fooling around with other women!”  

And when you say, “I have no plans of settling down right now,” everyone knows you mean, “I want to fool around with other women!”

5. Don’t be evil!

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I know this one is hard for you, but you have pretended this far, so a couple of minutes more won’t hurt you! Just be honest instead of being spiteful! Save your jeers and your verbal bitch-slaps for a monologue, in your head!

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Suggested read: 50 thoughts every girl has after she is dumped

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6. Do expect her to be unpleasant, however!

And why shouldn’t she?! She might even get physical or let her dogs tear you open! Don’t be a prick about it! Should have thought before gifting her those hounds! *Evil Laugh*

7. Don’t ask for your things back!

Like your CDs, the DVD collection or even big things like your T.V., your car, or your mansion. Does it matter that the Spotify and Netflix subscriptions are in your name, and that the amount will be credited from your account? Think of it as an alimony you need to pay her! I swear if this alimony rule was applied to unmarried couples too, men would never even imagine dumping a girlfriend!

8. Do be honest if there is another woman involved!

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There is no if to this, but anyway! Even if she is not in your life, I am sure there is someone you are dying to get your hands on, like literally! So just say it, you hypocrite!

9. Don’t vent on Facebook about it!

Because she is going to stalk you after you break up with her, and you have already done enough to make her feel like crap. So don’t expand your services in this area!

10. Do expect the urge to make a comeback!

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But don’t! Run for your life; run as far as you can, and preferably go zigzag!

This list of suggestions on dumping a girlfriend is useless, if you think of it, because you don’t need to break up with her. Stay with her for a few more days, and she will realize that you have already crossed the levels of jerk and @ssh*le, and are about to hit the f*cker level. So she will break up with you, and the point is, she will do it way more graciously than you can even imagine!

If you don’t feel offended enough already, sign up for our newsletter, douchebag! 😛

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