Hey, so you are a nice guy AND she doesn’t want to see you again, huh? What- she lacks good sense, you say? Have you ever considered the possibility that the problem might be YOU?
Ouch! Hurts, huh? Wait … let me explain.
While I do not believe in the ‘bad boys’/‘nice guys’ categorization as such, it seems like these labels hold far too much clout in the dating world. You will find most women stating that they like nice guys but inevitably ending up walking all over them – well, except when they have had a taste of the ‘bad’ and found it to be truly bad! However, it is also true that just because girls tend to have a ‘thing’ for the bad boys but never settle for one does not necessarily translate into good news for the ‘nice guys’ either. Just because a woman does not pick any of the ‘guys’ in either club does not mean she has run out of options. Or even that she is, in fact, on the look-out for any. Also contrary to what many people would have you believe, there are a hundred different ‘types’ of guys out there, and not all waiting to catch a girl’s attention. And that is ONE ‘prize’ the nice guy believes he deserves. Still wondering why the nice guys never get the girl? Don’t get me wrong – the nice guys have their own set of ‘nice’ qualities that redeem a few, if not all of their bad ones – but the list on the other side of the fence is equally long and umm … repulsive. Here are the top ten reasons why nice guys finish last:
1. The ‘nice’ and unnecessary evil of wanting to please
Trying too hard is a BIG turn-off. We love the flowers and the thoughtful messages, but invading our personal space all the time – no, please! In going overboard in your attempts to please us all the time, you end up turning our smiles upside down, almost all of the time after your ‘nice quotient’ has become too much to handle. And a perennial frown doesn’t bode too well for the nice guys, does it? Well, they’d know – coz there they are – nice guys finishing last.
Well, we like the fact that you say ‘yes’ to our demands and even get on board with all our tantrums but does your dictionary lack the word called ‘No?’ In your ‘too-agreeable’ avatar, you forget that ‘agreeing to disagree’ is also a healthy component of relationships and one that we, as a matter of fact, like. There is something undeniably sexy about a man who can not only disagree but handle it with a maturity that is ohh-so-irresistible-to-resist. And since you have a long way to go until you get there, you need to keep running. Start now, and cross the mile-marker that reads ‘no more mister nice guy.’
3. They axe their own tree
In their bid to be ever-accommodating and agreeable, they tend to put the girl’s desires ahead of theirs, making themselves grow resentful of the relationship in the long run. This leads to draw from the life-spirit of the relationship and fill the vial with the toxic fluid of an implosive anger that can burst anytime. Their inability to forge direct and open conversations about expectations from the relationship and making it a two-way street almost inevitably ends up in a fatal accident, where they crash their car into the nearest hurdle. Bottom-line: the nice guy syndrome can kill – either him or the relationship!
4. The itch for idealization
While the nice guys end up growing increasingly resentful, frustrated, and disillusioned with unfulfilled expectations, it becomes difficult for them to cope with the burden of the sterility of their relationship. The ugly truth is that the realization does nothing to exhort a self-induced initiative to mend matters or set things right. Instead, the coping mechanism deployed is idealization. They tend to put the woman on a pedestal, thereby focusing on a deluding set of positives to avoid confronting the negatives.
EXTRA: This sort of passivity is observed in other realms of life too, thereby making ‘nice guys’ come across as weak and lacking the drive, initiative, and ability to act. Hence, no surprise that nice guys finish last.
Suggested read: 10 real reasons why women are turned off by nice guys
5. The ‘glue-stick’… ugghh
Image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License
A ‘nice guy’ who does not have the ability to differentiate between ME-time and WE-time is unbearable, to use the least offensive adjective. In allowing your life and world to revolve around the girl, you are causing your relationship to be afflicted by an unhealthy pattern of codependence, tedium, and monotony. Not only that, in making your professional realm and your areas of interests to become intertwined with your personal life, you are stifling the relationship of a healthy dose of interdependence and stripping it of its boundaries. No wonder then that you have been diagnosed with the nice guy itch that most girls are allergic to.
6. Incapable of dealing with either the problem or the person
Responsive partners are real and come across as genuinely interested in the rainbows as well as the thunderstorms. Nice guys always maintain an aura of ‘all is well’ around them that makes dealing with unwelcome issues a real pain. Not owning up to problems that shall inevitably surface, not accepting the reality of a bad situation, not seeing the grim side or worse, avoiding to confront and deal with struggles becomes immensely hard to relate to! An inability to be able to posit one’s viewpoint or put forward a plausible solution or personal perspective causes unnecessary baggage to pile up. In case of fights and conflicts, one’s conflict-resolution skills and the ability to cope with pressure, hurt, and anger are all telling signs on one’s personality. Nice guys, in withholding their true responses about how they feel about a situation or even the person involved, inevitably flunk the test.
7. The fear of rejection
The fear of rejection keeps them from making a move and almost always lands them in the friend zone. And then, they crib about it! NO FAIR – if you ask me! You like a girl, show her she is unlike any of your other female friends. Man up and do it!
8. Ohh so nice syndrome
Masking your true self and justifying engaging in challenging milieus in the relationship by convincing oneself of one’s altruistic motives is honestly puke-worthy! You aren’t doing anybody in the relationship any good by putting up with an unbearable situation because you cannot bear the thought of hurting her feelings. Once again, man up and do it. Honesty might be a bitter pill to swallow but it does cure one of the toxic affliction that kicks in as a side effect of the nice guy syndrome.
9. Where’s the real
You are always complaining about the unfair element of it all – you can’t see what she sees in that Tatum-meets-Gosling contoured alpha male she seems to have fallen head-over-heels for, and yet you are the raggedy cat who is too scared to own up to your feelings in the mirror, much less to her! You explain it by saying ‘well, she’d have given me the friend zone punishment, anyway!’ Really?? Skip the drama – no one is that NICE – so why don’t you be real for once, and we will help you escape the dreaded friend zone – which, FYI, we do not appropriate as a tool of punishment!
10. They have a self-deluding and a perennially unsatiated sense of entitlement
This is perhaps the worst one of them all. A nice guy holds himself entitled to preferential treatment, some in-his-head (read: unrealistic) expectations of how it should be like and so much more. Yes, even sex. And he will always have an excuse that shall transfer blame upon the girl or some other agency for not being able to avail the things he deems himself entitled to. Well, I have got news for you – you are entitled to have something when you are worthy of it! And worthiness can only be earned. Gear up!
Well, honestly, if you ask me there’s no such thing as an ideal guy and these ‘so-called-clubs’ for types of guys also seem to be too hollow for my taste. The perfect guy is the one who treads the fine line between desirability and eligibility, and that’s what all the guys should aim for! I hope you are all listening, dudes! Yes, yes, you ‘nice guys’ too!
Until another time!