I am sure that you have been to a zoo, right? And if so, you certainly have not missed the peacock’s enclosure. You cannot miss it because he will not let you! He will fan his feathers and puff out his chest because he knows how to attract you and smartly pose for your smartphones. Well, I feel the same way when I walk into any social gathering and see these pretty women trying to attract men! That flipping of hair, batting of eyelashes, seductive fingernail stroking of their biceps, and all that jazz!
It makes no sense to me, and I have tried hard, okay? I sucked at it every single time! I look like this ape (taking the zoo analogy further) making a fool of itself! Laughing your heart out? Well, the fact that you are reading my article shows that you, too, are as horrible at flirting as Kanye West is at smiling! Whether this is true or you are a total boss at it and are just here out of curiosity, we present you with the 10 things women who hate flirting with men want you to know!
1. “How you doin’?”
Always be yourself. But if you can be Joey, be Joey! Yes, Friends’ resident jokester immortalized this pickup line and if you are not him, you have no license to ruin it! Being one of those girls who are a disaster when it comes to flirting with men, I want you to know that our pickup lines are so bad that we might someday be arrested for using them! 😛
To add to this, we have one copyrighted flirt move, which is just us trying to feel like a normally functioning female! That move kills the cat on the first night (that’s not the intended purpose, though)!
2. Hey Chuck, what’s up?!
We are democratic and believe in equality, which is why we treat every guy as if he is our boy next door! It does not matter if he is attractive, or if we are even remotely into him; we high-five him, wink at him, and call him dude, kid or even bro! You cannot expect us to blush red or pink or whatever color we are supposed to. Also, please do not ask of us to talk to him in that stupid baby voice, because we cannot! It is difficult for us to even decide if raising our eyebrow makes us look seductive or constipated. Yes, we are that hopeless at flirting with men!
3. I’m sexy and (only) I know it!
Image source: Tumblr
Some of us who have been there, done that, also have not done it right! Yes, it was some marvelous aligning of stars and heavens that let us at least give this flirting thing a shot. However, the flirty wave or that “sexy talk” with that hot boy later tormented us for how lame we sounded and behaved. The worst part is that we thought we looked sexy in the moment! So next time, don’t you tell us to give it a shot. We will find you and make you regret it!
4. Oh baby, when you talk like that, you make a man go ‘mad’! Quite literally!
You are talking about physical contact with a BOY? That is a nightmare for us! Even our hands know that. While Shakira’s hips don’t ‘lie,’ our hands do! We freeze every time we need to hug him or take a picture with him. Where the heck are we supposed to place our hands?! That’s a mystery we have failed horribly at solving! Our hands are a hovering drone. It does not mean that we don’t want to touch you; it only means that we don’t know how to. Give us some time to figure that out! And then watch us roll!
5. Tossed around!
While our own flirting is a tragedy, we perform worse when someone flirts with us. We would rather watch ‘Rosemary’s Baby’ all by ourselves than be flirted with! As soon as a man gets interested in us, our fire alarms start ringing! Once you smile that half smile at us or give us that intense look, we start to knock down beers and hit over tables to make that 100-meter dash to the closest restroom to curl up like a cat. And compliments? Please do not waste them on us. We have no clue what is expected of us when you call us “charming,” trust me.
Suggested read: The ready-to-use guidebook to flirting styles
6. “We met last evening. Hope you are well! 😉 :*”
So you are suggesting we use ‘flirtext’ to save us from our incapability to flirt with a guy? We have tried that too, babe. And failed royally. We have no idea how many xs to use, whether to xx or xo, or whether a winky face implies that we want to sleep with the guy? Too many questions, too little chance! We downloaded Tinder once upon a time and even figured out the basics. But at the end of everything, we were expected to flirt, real or virtual, and that’s when history repeated itself! We used all the emojis ever created at the end of every text because we had no idea which one was appropriate! Does that come across as cute or indecisive? I can’t decide. 😛
7. Be(ast) yourself!
We once asked our, ‘most popular on campus’ friend to bless us with some tips for flirting. She simply said, “Be yourself!” Has she gone nuts?! Being ourselves is exactly what has led to this calamity. If we were to act like ourselves in front of our crushes (which we basically do!), we would stare the hell out of them, breathing heavily with our mouths open, and ears pointy! To be simple, we would look like a creepy Yoda in love – not sexy!
8. ‘Learning how to say ‘no’ without beating up the person.’ Course fee: $50
How to let one down, courteously? Now that is a totally different issue! God save the soul we are not into when he tries to act fresh with us! Hell has seen no fury and rage that we will bestow on the poor lad! This guy will never dare to flirt with anyone ever again! He may have thought that drowning himself in a bottle of Axe (supposed to be ‘very very sexy!’) and flaunting that Elvis Presley hairstyle will make us weak in the knees, but at the end of the day, we will make him forget that he even has knees! This is what comes ‘naturally’ to us, not flirting with men!
9. Passive aggressive!
We are also superbly and awkwardly passive. When our friend is flirting with a guy, we need a place to hide! We cannot stop ourselves from thinking thoughts like, “what a complete ‘you know what’!” And worse, we may just blurt it out to their face! Woman, you are embarrassing us, the guy, and yourself! Though, to be honest, it is just us in the whole equation who actually feels awkward!
Suggested read: Flirting in the digital age
10. In the end, we are all just humans!
Though we cannot flirt, that does not in any way make us less attractive. Yes, we may look like we have had a stroke when we try to fake that smile. We may look like a complete sociopath only because we are just trying too hard. When we attempt a cute silly laugh, it might turn into hysterical giggles. And to top it off, we may even snort a little in the end! There have even been times when we have gone in for a smooch when the other person wanted a hug, accidentally French-kissing their ears! But if you can look past all this and fall for us, we will know that you are a real man that really loves us! Period.
Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License