The dating spiel is getting more complicated by the day. Finding love is important, but more like a complex math problem in the 21st century. Making a direct pass is often considered indecent, and scores low points in the book. So, here are a couple of ways to find out if she is single, without sounding desperate:
- “Hey, I think I saw you at *insert popular place*, a couple of days ago. You were hanging out with, dare I say, your boyfriend?”
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No, of course you did not see her anywhere. This is a ploy. I cannot believe I am writing you a post of advice, making a man yet more of…a man. Yes, you’re beginning a potential relationship with a lie, but don’t come at me with your morals. This dating game isn’t Mother Teresa’s cup of tea. I’m trying to bring The Bachelor credits into the house.
So, when you tell her this well-constructed lie, she will either say: “I don’t remember you, and I don’t have a boyfriend.”, or “Where?”. Rest assured, if she doesn’t have a boyfriend, she will object to your assumption. We reign free in misandry when we don’t have partners to fix. Just kidding. (No, I’m not.)
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- “I have two extra tickets to this concert. You could also bring your boyfriend.”
Of course, this only works out if you are super rich. I mean, ‘Lamborghini in my pockets’-level rich. In the off chance that she does have a boyfriend, you will have to sacrifice the ticket money of all three. But then again if you are a Mean Girls counterpart, it really won’t make much of a difference to you. You have all the money to spend on cheap tricks. Also, what is a couple of hundred bucks for a chance at eternal love, am I right? (Too bad eternity in love does not exist, hahahaha.)
If all goes well, she might reply with, “I don’t have a boyfriend. Mind if I bring my friend?”. To that you could either say, “No, of course not”, or “I am your friend, no?”. Actually, on a second thought, don’t use the last one. I charge money for teaching people how to flirt smoothly. Don’t risk my patent.
- Point at a random cute guy and say, “You want me to set you up with him?”
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This is a tricky one. If you are not careful with the tonal inflections, it might sound rather creepy and rude. If you don’t want your nose to go flying off, or be greeted with a rather loud “Why on earth would you-“, then make sure it sounds like a funny joke. The responses could be one of three: a) ‘Hah, sure!’: The chances of this happening, is quite minimal. Women are generally known to have a grip on their self-respect, on most occasions. However, in the off-chance that this might occur, you are now the wingman. I shall mourn for your loss. b) “No, I’m seeing somebody.”: There you have it. Mystery solved. I’d like my fees in the form of Skittles, thank you. c) “No.”: If no laughter accompanies this stern assertion, pack your bags and run for your life.
- “My friend over there giggles every time he passes by you. What an absolute romantic fool.”
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This is the modern-day version of “I’m asking for a friend”. We switch the lexicon up, shimmy with the jargon, but we always play by the book. This move is a classic, and will always get you the right hints to your query. If there is a partner in the scenario, she will admit it. If she is single, there is still the sad chance of her taking up your offer, and walking up to a man who probably had nothing to do with any of this. So, play wisely. Trim your nails, maybe? Bathe, soap yourself, wear clean clothes, comb your hair. Women like seeing a man without the hyphenated ‘child’ attached to him. You might be a slob at heart, but nobody cares about that if you brush twice a day. I mean, come on. We don’t have high standards. Act like a human being, and your Tinder matches are going to shoot through the roof. Pull up the damn socks, son.
- “My friend is trying to set me up with somebody in the neighboring cafe. Save me from this misery. If you have a boyfriend, maybe you guys could accompany us, so that I don’t have to die out of boredom.”
Look at this elaborate ploy; this Christian Bale marketing strategy. I should get an award, someday. If she tells you there is no boyfriend, breathe a sigh of relief and say, “Err, fine I’ll find another way out of it.” She will be a hundred percent glad that you did not promptly make a pass at her. At the same time, if she is even remotely interested in you, she will be happy that you choose to spend time with her instead of a prospective date.
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- “I don’t understand the problem of Meninism.”
Yes, boo. Bond over the fall of Patriarchy. At this vantage point in the 21st century, every woman will bless anybody who speaks about toxic masculinity. Tell her how Putin should shut up about homosexuality. Tell her how Trump should be impeached by the balls. Tell her how gender inequality is slow-poisoning our entire human race.
She will either agree with you 100%, and your mutual conversation will soar and burn down the entire cafe. Or, she will, at some point, shield the role of her boyfriend. You see, when women find one piece of sunshine in a man, they date him. So, if she has a nice man, she will definitely say something along the lines of: “Yeah, men suck in general, but this guy I’m seeing-“. If she’s dating a patriarch, you might hear “I wish my boyfriend understood that Feminism isn’t a hashtag.” So, either way, you’re sorted.
- “My ex was so toxic!”
Bonding over exes is the best way to gain friends. Use some toxic part of the conversation to refer to your ex. This way, she knows you are single right now. In fact, she too might join in with a list of bummers. Generally, having dated men for so many years, we naturally have ample to say on the subject of men in the context of relationships. She will add to your points about how you cannot possibly imagine how you fell for them, so on, so forth.
At the end of the mutually satisfying tirade, ask her if whoever she is seeing now is better. That way, you don’t directly ask them the question, but you do get your answer. I am a goddamn genius, yes. Prodigy thy name is- oh, never mind.
- “Dating people is so difficult now-a-days. It’s like a Math exam I was not prepared for. What do you say?”
Bitching about the one greatest evil (love) is the best bonding agent ever. Roll your eyes at one gooey song, and instantly you have made friends across the entire club. When you pose this question, she is probably going to agree wholeheartedly. Let’s be real, dating people is a tough job, irrespective of your relationship status. I mean, I could be married to somebody for 20 years, and still not be prepared enough for tomorrow. However, in the course of conversation, you will find it easier to discern if she is in a relationship or not.
- “Can I buy you a drink, sometime?”
This is euphemism for some frick-frack. But, you might want to switch “buy” with “split the money because you’re an independent woman, fully capable of taking care of her own finances”. Unless you absolutely suck at the dating spiel, she has realized that you are asking her out on a date. However, be careful not to introduce this too soon in the conversation. You could also change ‘drink’ to ‘coffee’ or even a ‘book’ (!!!!), depending on what her preferences are.
- “Can I take you out on a date?”
I know it surprises most people, but women mostly like you cutting to the chase. We have spent our entire lives watching and playing by different versions of the book. There is hardly a new card you’re going to pull. The thing that makes us happiest, is normal human decency. So, keep your hands to yourself, and your eye above my shoulders. We don’t need you to write metaphors and poetry, proposing to us for a date out in the vineyard. Just don’t strut around, sloshing your drink everywhere, and begin the conversation with, “You have nice breasts”. Our standards, as the 21st century would have it, are already pretty low. Don’t trip on it.
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I hope you follow the advice to the T and have a wonderful love life. In case any of these methods fail miserably, and instead of finding out if she is single, you land up Forever Alone, then the onus is totally on you. I have nothing to do with it.
Featured image source: Google, copyright-free image under Creative Commons License