The way in which a culture views sex is constantly evolving and influenced by younger generations of the time period. It is no secret that today’s culture is considerably more liberal about sex than each previous generation. The rigid views that our grandparents and parents embraced are a distant memory. They grew up in a time when society was extremely conservative; and when it came to sex, monogamy was considered the norm, acceptable only after a couple were married.
These days, it’s a totally different story, as the “millennial” generation has changed the way we view sex and sexuality. This younger, more progressive population has proven to be far more open with and about sex. They are open to all types of sexual exploration, casual sex, and the “friends with benefits” arrangement. Finding younger people that are in a committed relationship and monogamous seems to be the exception rather than the rule. What’s more, the internet and social media have made sex so accessible that “hooking up” can be as instantaneous as a few clicks using popular web and smartphone applications.
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Multiple partners and “friends with benefits” scenarios seem to be commonplace in today’s world; many embrace this norm and have casual sex or hook up, sometimes with people they barely know. While this may work well for some, others just aren’t wired for casual sex or one night hook ups. Instead, they seek an emotional connection along with the sex, and ultimately prefer to have sex with a partner that also values exclusivity.
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In general, women are more emotionally driven than men and become easily emotionally connected to their sex partners. Research has shown that a woman becomes sexually aroused only after she feels an emotional connection with her partner. Experts say that when this emotional connection occurs, a chemical change takes place, making it harder for her to detach from her partner emotionally. As a result, women are less able to have “one-nighters” or casual sex without becoming emotionally attached or experiencing harmful emotional ramifications.
Men, on the other hand, are considerably less emotional when it comes to sex and simply need a bit of visual stimulation to get “in the mood.” It’s no secret that men deal with the one night stands or casual sex scenarios far better than women do, and they don’t often struggle with feelings of attachment afterwards.
So what does this mean for you? Well, if you are one of the many that can’t be sexual with an emotional connection, or if you get emotionally attached the minute things become physical, you need to take measures to protect yourself emotionally. I have put together some tips to help you have what I like to call emotionally safe sex. Below are four ways to help you keep your emotions in check and help prevent you from falling too hard or getting emotionally attached to your partner.
Tips for emotionally safe sex
1. Admit that you are just “not that type”
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You’ve tried repeatedly to follow the crowd and do the “casual sex” thing. It’s the new norm and everyone else is okay with it, so you should be too, right? Wrong. If the “friends with benefits” arrangement leaves you feeling empty and too attached to your partner, then it’s causing you more harm than good. Maybe you should simply admit to yourself that you’re not cut out for sex without mutual and meaningful feelings behind it. Self-preservation is always a smart move, and by acknowledging that casual sex isn’t for you will save you a lot of unnecessary emotional harm and stress.
2. Be rational.
You are head over heels for the guy you’ve been dating for the past two months and the amazing sexual energy the two of you have together only makes you want to see him more often. Before you get too wrapped up and proclaim your undying love for him, take a step back and evaluate what you are really feeling. How much of what you are feeling is pure lust and how much of it is truly a heartfelt emotional connection? While women are not as driven by physical attraction and sex as men, women still need the physical release of sexual energy. Be rational and consider the possibility that you may be “in lust” more than you are “in love.”
3. Put it into perspective.
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In all of my years of coaching women, I have found that many women give away their emotional power and allow this action to control the way they feel and perceive themselves. We tend to put the man we are intimate with on a pedestal and feel like he’s doing us a favor by being involved emotionally and sexually with us. I say, hold up! Reframe the situation and take on a more balanced perspective. Sure, he may be great, but you are definitely a catch too and bring a great deal to his life. Keep this at the top of your mind, especially when you begin to feel emotionally vulnerable. If things don’t work out, then he didn’t value you for all that you are and didn’t deserve you anyway. You lived many years before you met him, and you will live many more if you part ways. On to the next, girl!
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4. Build your emotional strength.
Another effective way to have emotionally safe sex and protect yourself from getting too attached is to become selfish and put yourself and your needs first. Instead of wondering about what he is doing, who he is with, and how he really feels about you, focus all that energy on your own happiness. Take a self-help class to build a more positive mindset, spend more time with the friends that love you unconditionally and make you laugh, or find activities that reenergize your soul. Whatever you choose to do, focus on building a better relationship with yourself and your own happiness. After all, if you aren’t happy, it is impossible to be truly happy regardless if you are with him or not.
There you go, four ways to have emotionally safe sex and assure that you don’t fall too hard or too fast. Remember, YOU are ultimately the one in control of your thoughts, actions, and emotions. He can only hurt you if you allow him to. If you put yourself first and consider the points above, it will be easier to remain emotionally strong in every situation.
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