If you have ever been lucky (or unlucky) to be in a relationship, you know that sometimes you have landed in trouble for laughing at the wrong things. These are usually the jokes which have elements of infidelity, or where the opposite sex is shown in a derogatory light. These are also the jokes at which you laugh secretly in your head. You laugh at them because you can relate to them, because deep down inside, humor is the only way in which you can compensate for your suffering. In marriage. Here are 20 contemporary marriage jokes which are so bad that they are actually good…we are still laughing away from the eyes of our SO, which means with our pants down and on the pot! 😛
- Two husbands were having a conversation. First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
- A man walks into a crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling, “Who’s been screwing my wife?” A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, “You don’t have enough ammo, mate!”
- A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey, if I died, would you get married again?” The husband said, “No sweetie.” The woman said, “I’m sure you would.” So the man said, “Okay, I would.” Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?” And the man replied, “Yeah, I guess so.” Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?” And the husband replied, “No, she’s left-handed.”
- Honey, I want a new iPhone for my birthday!”
“But what about the other one?”
“The other one is getting me an iPad.”
- A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted excitedly, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!” The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” “Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get out.”
- Husband calls up hotel management from the room. “Please come fast, I am having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump from your hotel window.”
Manager: “Sir, I am sorry. But this is your personal issue.”
Husband: “Idiot, this window is not opening. This is a maintenance issue.”
- An airline introduced a special package for businessmen. “Buy your ticket and you get your wife’s ticket free.” After great success, the company sent letters to all wives asking how the trip was. All of them gave the same answer. “Which trip?”
- Joseph was throwing darts at the picture of his wife, while she was away. Somehow he missed the target on all the attempts. When his wife called, she asked him “What are you doing?” Joseph answered with a sigh “Missing you.”
- I am the Ryan Lewis in most of my relationships.
- When a married man says, “I’ll think about it,” what he really means is that he doesn’t know his wife’s opinion yet.
- A woman was leaving for France on a business trip. Before leaving, she lovingly asks her husband, “Darling, what would you like me to bring you as a gift?”
The husband replies jokingly, “Sweetheart, bring me a French girl.”
Wife returns from the trip two weeks later and the husband asks her, “So, where is my gift?”
Wife replies, “I do have your gift, but you will have to wait for 9 months to find out, whether it’s a French girl or a French boy.”
Suggested read: 10 definite signs he will NEVER be in a relationship with you
- Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” Husband says: “Looks like he’s still fricking celebrating!!”
- My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…
- ‘I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.’
- A man walks up the stairs of his house with a sheep under his arm. He walks into the bedroom where his wife is lying in bed reading a magazine.
“Honey,” he says, “this is the pig I’ve been f*cking when you aren’t available.”
“That’s not a pig,” says his wife, “that’s a sheep.”
“Shut up,” says the man, “I wasn’t talking to you.”
- A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, tell me something that will make us happy and sad all at the same time.”
She said, “You have the biggest d*ck of all your friends.”
- Wife is at home and texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen.”
Husband texts back: “Pour some lukewarm water on it slowly.”
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Computer completely screwed up now.”
- A man brings his wife a bouquet of roses. She says, “You just want me to spend the evening with my legs in the air.” To which he replies, “No, we can just use a vase.”
- An old couple were vacationing in Israel. The wife dies quietly in her sleep, the next day the man goes to the grave digger to make the necessary arrangements.
The grave digger says, “I can bury her here for $500 or have her shipped back home with you for $1000.”
The man briefly considers his options and opts for her to be shipped home.
The grave digger is stunned. “Why pay so much to have her sent back when she could be buried in the Holy Land?”
The man gets very close and whispers, “A long time ago a man was buried here and three days later he came back, I can’t take that chance with her.”
- John Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died…and he wrote Paradise Regained.
Well, as long as you don’t tell your partner that you have been looking up these pages on the internet about marriage jokes, you are safe. If you want to explore more, you can always check out some of the dirtiest jokes that you thought you would never read.
Featured image source: amusingtime