Starting a new relationship? Getting to the stage where you can’t go an hour without talking to each other, finish each other’s sentences (and leftovers), want to get married and have a lot of babies is all fantastic. Reaching there, however, may not be all rose-strewn paths and gorgeous rainbows. Not to rule out the equal odds of reaching the place where you become mortal ex-enemies, who give each other the same feeling as a funnel of lukewarm Montezuma tequila.
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Whether you reach a relationship heaven where you move in sync to Ed Sheeran’s soulful melodies or are deep-fried in the nauseating tear-pan you filled while crying to a Kelly Clarkson love song is solely determined by the stages of a relationship. These relationship stages are unlike any that you may have seen a Kate Hudson go through in those enviable rom-coms, coz life, my friend, is more REAL and hence, unpredictable. The stages in a relationship, especially a new one, are akin to a topsy-turvy ride that can either be filled with sloppy drunken ‘what’s up texts’ with equally sloppy sex in under 15 minutes after you hit ‘send’ or ‘I’m drunk on love’ moments where you can’t reel on what you feel and the only next step is the BIG step! Not to forget, it could be everything in between too..
So, if you have been vacillating between the dual ends of the relationship spectrum, you’d attest that the graph of a new relationship evolving into something (or devolving into nothing) is quite an interesting one. Behold here the stages of a relationship’s evolution and devolution, and how they become all or naught…
EVOLUTION stages of a relationship:
1. The ‘where have you been all my life’ stage
When all the sentences that flow out of your mouth are about him and seem like they end with a dozen exclamation marks, you know you are soon going to be bat-s**t crazy in love! And when you seem to have found the most perfect person you’ve ever met, you cannot help going all in and knowing more, can ya?
2. The ‘OMG, you listen to Bruno Mars’ Just The Way You Are on repeat too? Wait, you listen to Dave Matthew’s band, huh?’ stage
Okay, this isn’t that bad, you will just tell yourself that the DMB thing is a lie and listen to Mars together. Yep, you can get through this. After all, the universe wants you together. Isn’t liking the same song a sign or something?
3. The ‘oh, tis time for a background check’ stage
Now, now, aren’t things just too perfect. Could they be this GOOD? And suddenly, you are a spy on the sly. Google, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and even Tinder..what? It’s important. What if he is a serial killer and plus, you do need to check if you are hotter than all his exes, don’t you? What- hush, hush, it’s no big deal! And oh- btw, he’s passed the test- you can’t believe your stars you found him!
4. The ‘every thing I do I do it for you’ stage
And now everything- everything reminds him of you. That morning cup of coffee? Him. That EDM song that has beeping sounds with a foghorn playing over it? Him. That yellow cab light? Him! That fatso guy in the next cubicle, with a goofy grin? What- still him!!
5. The ‘falling-head-over-heels’ stage
It’s date two and you are already imagining what it would be like to get preggers with him. Holy molly, are you in love (lust?) – nah, you can vouch it’s love! After all, you have built your whole life with him and he isn’t doing a back flip to leave a HE-shaped cutting on the door! He must really be crazily-in-love with you too! Of course, you haven’t discussed the future yet…but…
6. The ‘LOVE-ly continuum’ stage
Now you begin to…you start to share your childhood stories, listen with rapt attention to his’, discuss work, family and friends (perhaps, meet a few too) and keep painting that ideal future together. And when you do, you see those hues reflect in his eyes as a reality he wants! And you know you want it too!
7. The ‘Hey, I don’t like THAT ’bout you, and THAT and THAT…and …’ phase
But hey, you didn’t know that he had a freebie list and you still remember that DMB thingy. Man, the things you do not like about him are piling up, huh? But okay, the things you like still outweigh all of these- plus, there’s your love. You will sail through!
8. The ‘Uh oh, I am mad at you and you are mad at me’ stage
You do not want to fight but you are mad and now he’s mad because you are mad. Ouch.
9. The ‘hug-it-out patch up’ phase
You tell him why you are mad and he handles it pretty well too and you don’t exacerbate it (a thing you know- can get on men’s nerves and how!). So, didn’t you just survive it? <smile>
10. The ‘perma-smile-let’s-make-it-official-with-a-FB-selfie’ phase
Now that he knows how Ryan Gosling might be the only one you may dump him for, have shown him your eighth grade yearbook pictures, can stand those hours when he raves on about his soccer favorites and are comfy with him seeing your spanx whilst he is okay farting under the sheets, you know what you share is deeper than a casual affair interspersed with typical 12-minute jackhammer sessions.
Suggested read: Types of exes we’ve all had
And you seal it with the ‘committed’ FB stamp and of course, a perma-smile selfie! After all, why shouldn’t every random washed-up loser you went to high school with know you are in love! <grin>
11. The ‘tick-tock-doubt-clock’ phase
Now that everyone knows about you two, the questions start pouring in and while you easily knock most right off the corner, there are some that haunt you. Now you have doubts- I mean a really happy experience and really awesome sex- is that a thing? Would it stay, would it end? Oh no, you pray to God to not let it end. You’d be devastated and you are in tears already.
12. The ‘yeah, still feelin’ it baby, we’re good’ phase
And when he kisses away your tears, you go, “wait, what, you have never thought of leaving once and you love me as much as I do?”…<wiping tears> Yep, you decide to stop worrying about silly things and enjoy every moment of life with your SO.
DEVOLUTION stages of a relationship:
1. The ‘crush-lust-love at first sight’ stage
As soppy as this one may be, it is like the crowds part and your eyes catch a glimpse of the most gorgeous face you have ever seen! This must be love at first sight- or something similar! You must have her now. Dibs!
2. The ‘Hi, I am…’ stage
You have done your homework and rehearsed your lines. Now it is show-time. Will she or will she not take your hand of friendship? Oh, she must, she must, she must- after all, you look dapper in a corduroy jacket, huh? 😉
3. The ‘rev up the roll on the role’ stage
Now that you are friends, you have got your name locked in her memory, hang out ever-so-often, even when sober and have a good time. Of course, you do not tell her you are in ‘luoovvee’ with her but you have scrolled through her spring break pictures on Facebook and imagined what it’d be like to have her!
4. The ‘buzzing butterflies in the stomach’ stage
They say you got real slim chances at hiding your feelings when you are friends with someone you want to be ‘more than friends’ with. And when ‘love is in the air,’ you gotta slice through the rife romance and let the lustrous love dyes spread…you can see she’s feeling it too. It’s right there in the smile in her eyes and the blush on her cheek.
5. The ‘dress-to-impress’ stage
Okay, so you are dating now. You are officially ‘boyfriend, girlfriend,’ hold hands in public and are beginning to enter the real wooing period- putting your best foot forward, taking trips together, clicking tons of selfies, celebrating monthesaries and showering each other with never-ending attention, stolen kisses and more! Basically, you are bitten by the ‘can’t-get-enough-of-each-other’ bug and how!
6. The ‘undress and caress’ stage
And then, you do it. It isn’t a ‘no strings attached,’ ‘I am going to regret this the next morning’ or a ‘I was so hammered I don’t know why it happened’ kind of sex. It is a real, meaningful union with someone you can really enjoy the non-sexual time too!
Suggested read: Are you more than friends?
7. The ‘fizzling feeling’ stage
Of late, you are beginning to wonder about why everything has been beaten to death, whether you are sticking by out of habit and if your relationship is stuck in the rut of a ravening routine! Not to mention her flip-outs at guys’ night-outs, the constant nagging nexus when you want to be at Diablo and ohh, her hair clogging the shower drain! And no, you can’t TALK to her about all of it………but maybe, you want to be single again.
8. The ‘let’s put the relationship on the ventilator’ stage
It’s been a while since you stopped trying. But breaking up is hard to do. She isn’t her happy self either. Should you pull the plug or could you just let it be on life support a li’l longer, for old times’ sake- the good times’ sakes? Yep, you can..you are generous..
9. The ‘death and mourning’ stage
Nope, you couldn’t help your comatose relationship from sinking to death. It is goodbye…
10. The ‘friendly exes’ stage
You have recently broken up but still care about each other enough to be friends. You talk, hang out, text, call and do everything save f**king each other. That’s the thing about being friendly exes- you are tied to a Tebowesque abstinence.
11. The ‘extremely friendly exes’ stage
But that’s also the hard part about being friendly exes- before you know it, you are in bed again! And they know exactly what to do to drive you wild. And you begin to wonder if the breakup was really a good idea and if you could perhaps work things around this time.
12. The ‘mortal ex-enemies’ stage
Only to fail miserably and turn deadly enemies. You do not even have to pretend to like each other anymore, and THAT is for the best!
Thought so. Do not forget to share what you think, down there….I meant in the comments box! 😉
Featured image source: Pixabay, under Creative Commons License