India is the birthplace of Hindu philosopher Vatsyayana, who is credited with writing the erotic manual on sexual positions and desire. Numerous couples have credited their … um … physical prowess in the bedroom to this book. Despite this fact, what happens behind the closed doors of a bedroom is a totally taboo subject, to even bring up in casual conversation. Leave alone talk of physical intimacy, even public displays of affection is not tolerated in India.
Anyway, two twenty-something gentlemen, an American cartoonist Farley Katz and novelist Simon Rich, have created the world’s least erotic manual titled “The Married Kama Sutra.” The book, which is aimed as a witty take on Kama Sutra for married couples, was published in 2013, and is available on Amazon. The book contains illustrations with various ‘positions,’ that suitably depict a married couple’s situation. It is a true-to-life parody of what happens to physical intimacy after marriage, with wry yet witty depictions of couples’ quotidian activities.
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Take a look at some of the ‘positions’ and the corresponding illustrations from the book:
The dishwasher position
When the man is loading the dishwasher and the woman must come over, because he is loading it wrong, it is called “the dishwasher position.”
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The shifting of the standards
When the man passes gas in front of the woman, without so much as an apology, it is called “the shifting of the standards.”
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A close call
When the woman enters the room, and the man quickly closes his laptop, because he has been looking up ex-girlfriends on Facebook, it is called “a close call.”
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The prodding position
When the woman cleans an area near the man’s feet to imply that he too should be cleaning, it is called “the prodding position.”
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The wounded hippopotamus
When the woman needs help moving furniture, and she does not ask the man, but instead hires the local teenager, and the teenager takes off his shirt in front of the woman, and the man watches her watching the boy with a look in her eyes that he has not seen in years, it is called “the wounded hippopotamus.”
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The interrupted congress
When the man lightly kisses the woman’s neck, and the woman tenderly strokes the man’s chest, and the child runs into the room screaming, because he heard a scary noise, or some other bullsh*t, it is called “the interrupted congress.”
Well. These Kama Sutra for married couples illustrations truly capture the essence of a married couple’s romantic life – or lack thereof. If you’d like to see more such illustrations, you’ll need to buy yourself a copy.